How to Treat Someone Who Betrayed You

Co-authored by Nancy Lin, PhD and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: October 3, 2022 References

When someone betrays you it can feel shocking or even sickening. After all, you thought you knew the person and they destroyed your trust. You probably have no idea how to proceed or whether or not to rebuild your relationship. While there are no easy solutions, we've got suggestions for how to move on and interact with the person in the future.

1

Take time to sort through your feelings.

You may feel a lot of conflicting emotions. Instead of immediately reacting and confronting the person, you may feel better if you get some personal space. Write down your feelings or call a trusted friend and talk with them about what happened.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Nancy Lin, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.} Working through your own emotions is a good guide for how you'll interact with the person who betrayed you.
- For instance, if a close family member went back on their word about an agreement you had, you might feel intensely angry. Give yourself time to calm down and come up with a plan for approaching them about your arrangement.^{[2]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- Get really clear on your values before talking with the other person. What specifically made the incident a betrayal for you? What value got stomped over in the process?^{[3]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Nancy Lin, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.}

2

Listen to what the person has to say.

Give them the opportunity to explain themselves. This is really important if you want to mend the relationship and move on. Maybe the betrayal was actually a miscommunication and you can clear things up, or perhaps listening to their explanation can help you decide whether or not you want to repair the relationship.^{[4]
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- For instance, if you're feeling hurt because you feel like a friend has disappeared—not taking your calls, ignoring your texts, etc—and you learn they're dealing with depression, you'll realize they weren't betraying your friendship.
- You may listen to a co-worker explain why they talked about you behind your back and realize that the person feels totally justified and doesn't realize what they did was wrong. You may decide to be more cautious around them in the future.

3

Put yourself in their shoes.

Imagine the situation from the other person's perspective. You're not trying to excuse what they did but to understand it so you can move on. For instance, if your partner cheated on you, you'll obviously be upset and hurt. Upon reflection, you might realize that they did it because you were emotionally unavailable. Seeing this from their perspective helps you understand the betrayal.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Viewing the betrayal from their perspective can remind you that they're human. You may feel more forgiving toward them or, at the very least, understand why they did what they did.

4

Express your concern so they know you feel hurt.

Share how you feel, especially if they don't think they've betrayed you. This can be tough to do—you probably feel vulnerable—but it's important. Tell them exactly how their actions made you feel. Talking about it can make you feel better and it lets the person know that what they did was harmful.^{[6]
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Research source}[^{[7]
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Expert Source

Nancy Lin, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.}
- If you and your partner are dealing with the issue of betrayal, you might find that you talk about it all the time. Instead of letting it sneak into every conversation, plan a specific time to discuss it.

5

Try to keep your cool.

Focus on staying calm so you communicate effectively. If you're trying to rebuild a relationship with a partner, friend, or colleague, lashing out will make it much harder. They may start to resent you or feel like you no longer want to be friends.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- It's really easy to lash out in anger, but remind yourself that it won't necessarily make you feel better or repair the relationship.

6

Express what you want going forward.

Tell them what you'd like them to do so you can both move on. It's completely natural to want an apology if they betrayed you, but you might need to make this clear to them. Maybe you'd rather that they just see your perspective and realize they've hurt you. You may also explain that you won't tolerate betrayal in the future.^{[9]
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- Being really clear with what you want also lets the other person make a choice. They can either respect your wishes and boundaries or disagree and possibly end the relationship.
- If someone betrayed your trust, you might set boundaries and tell them as much in the future.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Nancy Lin, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.}

7

Forgive the person if you want to rebuild the relationship.

You can tell the person or just acknowledge it to yourself. Forgiveness is really something you do yourself. It means you've come to terms with what happened and how you feel and you're ready to move forward. This means letting go of your hurt feelings. Give the person opportunities to prove that you can trust them again.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- You might say to the person, "You know, it really hurt when you told my friends those secrets. I'm still really unhappy that you did that, but I want to stay friends if I know I can trust you."

8

Build trust if you want to reconnect with the person.

Give them a chance to prove that you can stay friends or partners. Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight—it's more of a mindset that you cultivate. Continue to be open and honest with the person about your feelings. Sure, you both won't always be comfortable around each other, but let them know you're making the effort.^{[12]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- It's okay to tell the person that you're still struggling with trusting them, especially if it's a partner who betrayed you. Acknowledge these challenging feelings so they can try to support you.

9

Try to make new positive experiences.

Betrayal hurts because someone you care about hurt you. If you're trying to move on with your relationship, set aside your painful feelings and work on making positive ones. You don't have to pretend as though nothing bad happened, but you should make a conscious effort to enjoy yourself around them.^{[13]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- If you're rebuilding trust with a partner, do something fun together. Go out for drinks, challenge each other at the arcade, paint pottery together—anything that gives you a mental break and a pleasant experience.

10

Break off contact if you don't want a relationship.

Let the relationship go if you can't trust them at all. This isn't a decision to make lightly, but if you realize that the person doesn't care about your feelings or the fact that they hurt you, it may be time to develop other relationships.^{[14]
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- You don't have to have a dramatic confrontation with them. You can be polite and still keep them at arms' length. This might be the best option for interacting with a co-worker who's betrayed you.

11

Work with a therapist to address trauma.

A licensed counselor can help you move past debilitating trust issues. Unfortunately, betrayal can cause deep psychological trauma that can actually cause physical problems like headaches, nausea, insomnia, or muscle tension. If you feel like the betrayal and your interactions with the person are making it hard to function, don't hesitate to reach out for professional mental health services.^{[15]
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- Your therapist may use cognitive behavioral therapy. This type of talk therapy helps you challenge your negative thinking to see things in a more positive light. This can help if you struggle to interact with the person who betrayed you.

Expert Q&A

Question

Can you be friends again after betrayal?

Nancy Lin, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Nancy Lin is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Owner of Go to Sleep San Diego, a private practice providing therapy for people suffering from insomnia, trauma, depression, and related problems. She is also trained in issues related to cultural diversity in mental health. Dr. Lin holds a Bachelors degree in Psychology from The University of California, Berkeley and a Masters degree in Medical Anthropology from the University of London, SOAS. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Massachusetts Boston and completed an APA-accredited internship and postdoctoral training at the VA San Diego Healthcare System (VASDHS).

Nancy Lin, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It really depends on what you and your friend's values are. If you and your friend don't see eye-to-eye on important values, you may have to either restructure or rethink the friendship altogether.