How to Tell Your Parents That You Like Other Girls or Boys

Last Updated: May 6, 2021 References

As a young person, you may find yourself attracted to other people of the same sex. You may develop a crush on someone at school or realize you have romantic feelings for a friend. You may struggle with how to share this information with your parents, especially if you are also confused about your emotions. You should take steps to have a positive conversation about your feelings with your parents and also share your feelings with people you trust for support and guidance.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Figuring Out What to Say

1
Reflect on your feelings. Start by considering the purpose of your conversation with your parents. What do you hope to accomplish by talking to your parents about your feelings? Are you hoping to simply share your feelings for the girl or boy with someone you trust? Are you looking for advice on how to act on your feelings? Or maybe you just want to know that your parents will accept this part of you? Think about the motivations you have for speaking to your parents and what you hope to get out of the conversation.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
2
Organize your thoughts. You should take time to organize your thoughts on paper. Jot down notes on what you plan to discuss with your parents. You may also make an outline of your thoughts and what you plan to say in your talk. Organizing your thoughts on paper can make you feel nervous or awkward during your conversation with your parents.
- You may also try using a writing prompt to get you thinking and do a freewrite to get your thoughts down on paper. You may use the prompt, "I hope to tell my parents..." and then do a timed freewrite for five to 10 minutes (or as long as you need) to get your feelings and thoughts down.
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3
Practice what to say. You may practice what you plan to say by talking to yourself in the mirror and pretending you are talking to your parents. Or you may practice with a friend or a sibling so you are prepared when it comes to talking to your parents about how you are feeling.
4
Prepare yourself for their reaction. Of course, the hope is that your parents will react with love and understanding, but it is possible the conversation may not go as smoothly as you hope. Hope for a positive reaction, but know how to care for yourself if they react with shock, grief, disappointment, shame, guild, or blame.^{[2]
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Research source} If you have friends, family members, or teachers who already know, ask them to be available so that you can call or get together after you speak with your parents.^{[3]
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Research source} Tell yourself that, no matter their reaction, you will be okay. Your parents may initially have a negative reaction, but often things get much better with time.^{[4]
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- If there is a chance you might get kicked out of the house and you are dependent on your parents, make sure you have a safe place to stay, either with a friend or another relative.
- Allow your parents time to adjust. You may be disappointed if they don't immediately react in a positive way, but give your parents some time to get used to the idea. It likely took you time to totally process and accept your feelings, so give your parents some room to process, too.
- Guide your parents to some resources where they may educate themselves and learn how to support you. Websites for organizations such as PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender People), and GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) can help your parents learn more about how to support you. Your parents may want to look for a PFLAG meeting to connect with other parents.
- If your parents have ever threatened to hurt you if they found out you like people of the same sex, if they regularly say homophobic things, or if you feel you would be absolutely devastated by a negative reaction, you may wish to hold off on telling them.^{[5]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Parents About Your Feelings

1
Find a quiet, private place for the talk. You should start by choosing a spot for the discussion that is quiet and private. This could be in the living room of your family home, on the couch, or at the kitchen table. You may also choose to have the talk in your backyard or on the porch. Choose a place where you feel comfortable and at ease, as this will make the talk feel less awkward for both you and your parents.^{[6]
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- If you think you might be more comfortable having the discussion away from home, make sure you are in a space that is private and quiet. This could be a park near your home or a favorite spot in your city or town that you like to go to with your parents.
2
Talk to the parent with whom feel most comfortable. You may not have the same relationship with your mother as you do with your father, or vice versa. This is natural and common among young people. You may be closer to one parent and feel more comfortable talking to him or her about your feelings, or you may feel good talking to both parents at the same time. You should confide in the parent you feel most comfortable with, as this will allow you to be honest and open.^{[7]
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- Talking to one parent may also be less overwhelming for you and allow you to address one person instead of two. You may also get different perspectives on your feelings for this boy or girl, based on which parent you speak to. Regardless, you should go with the parent that you feel will be the most supportive and honest with you.
3
Use “I” statements. You should start the conversation by using “I” statements, as this will show your parents that you are speaking honestly and from the heart. Try to be clear about your emotions and how you are feeling. If you are confused about your feelings, be okay with expressing your confusion to your parents. Say “I feel…” or “I think…” when you talk to your parents to show them you are speaking from your perspective.
- For example, you may say, “I think I am developing feelings for this girl at school,” or, “I feel like I have feelings for this boy in my class.”
- If you are unclear about your feelings, but still want to talk to your parents about your emotions, you may say, “I am confused about my feelings for this boy at school,” or, “I am unsure why I feel so emotional when I’m around this girl.” These statements will communicate to your parents that you want to talk to them about your feelings and unpack them, even if you are unsure why you are feeling a certain way.
4
Maintain open, relaxed body language. You should also try to maintain body language that is open and relaxed during the talk with your parents. This will allow you to appear calm and collected, even if you are feeling emotional. It will also encourage your parents to feel comfortable and calm during the talk, which could lead to a more meaningful discussion.^{[8]
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- Maintain eye contact when you are speaking to your parents and sit or stand up straight. Keep your arms relaxed at your sides or in your lap and lean forward, towards your parents, to show them you are engaged in the conversation.
- Try not to fidget or pick at your clothing or jewellery when you speak. Speak your thoughts clearly and with conviction so your parents know you are sincere about your feelings.
5
Answer your parent’s questions about your feelings. Once you share your feelings with your parents, they will likely have a few questions. You should be prepared to field their questions and answer them to the best of your ability. Be honest and thoughtful in your answers, as this will lead to a discussion that is useful and meaningful for both you and your parents.^{[9]
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- For example, your parents may ask, “Why do you like this person?” or “What interests you about this boy or this girl?” They may ask questions about your crush’s inner qualities and values.
- Try to answer these questions with thought and honesty. You may respond by saying, “I think I like him because he is friendly and nice to everyone,” or, “I like her because she is kind and funny.” If you are not sure how to answer these questions, you may say honestly, “I don’t know,” or, “I have to think more about that before I can answer.”
6
Ask for guidance or advice. You may end your conversation with your parents by asking for feedback or advice on your feelings. Getting an adult perspective on your feelings can help you better understand them and process them. Your parents have likely had experience with romantic feelings and crushes before, so they may offer some sound advice that you can use.^{[10]
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- You may ask your parents, “What do you think I should do about my feelings?”, or, “How would you handle this situation if you were in my shoes?” You may also ask your parents for advice on specific things you might do to address your feelings, such as “Do you think I should go on a date with her?”, or, “Do you think I should spend more time with him, one on one?”
- Your parents may also offer you more advice or guidance once the conversation is over. You may update your parents on how you are feeling about your crush and talk to them about your feelings as you process them. Keeping your parents up to date can help you feel supported as you deal with your emotions.
7
Ask for what you need. If the main reason for this conversation is to get validation and reassurance from your parents, it's okay to ask for it outright. If you really just want to know that your parents will accept you when they have this new information about you, you can say something like, "I know you might be surprised, but I need to know that you still love me and accept me if I like girls/boys."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Sharing Your Feelings with Others

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Confide in your closest friends. You may decide to share your feelings with other people besides your parents to get a different perspective on how you are feeling. Sharing your feelings with your closest friends can help you acknowledge them better and process them. Plus, getting another perspective on your feelings from peers that are your age could be beneficial.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- You may talk to your friends about your feelings for a specific person, especially if the person is a mutual friend or in your friend circle. You may simply confide your feelings in a close friend or ask for advice on what to do about your feelings.
- Keep in mind some kids get teased for having a crush or a romantic interest in someone. Try to only share your feelings with friends who are mature. You may talk to a friend who is a little older than you or a friend who has experienced crushes before, as they could better relate to what you are going through.
2
Talk to an older sibling. You can also reach out to an older sibling for advice and guidance on how to deal with your crush. You may feel more comfortable talking to an older sibling rather than a friend, as she may have experience with romantic relationships already. If you are close to a particular sibling who is older, ask her if you can have a one on one chat or bring up the topic of your feelings when you two are alone, hanging out.^{[12]
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- Try to talk to an older sibling who has already had romantic partners or is currently in a romantic relationship. She may be able to offer better advice and guidance, as she has experienced crushes and romantic feelings first hand.
3
Speak to a mentor about your feelings. You may also reach out to an older mentor in your life, such as a coach, a teacher, a guidance counselor at school, or an older family friend. Sharing your feelings with a mentor you trust can make you feel supported and less alone.^{[13]
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- You may speak to the mentor one on one about your feelings with a particular boy or girl and ask him for advice on how to address your feelings. Be honest and open to your mentor and accept his feedback, as he likely has experience in this area.

Expert Q&A

Question

Should you tell your parents about your crush?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

If you'd like to tell your parents, go for it! It's perfectly fine if you keep it to yourself for whatever reason as well. There are no hard rules when it comes to this kind of thing, so it's entirely up to you.