How to Talk to Your Partner Who Has Alexithymia

Last Updated: May 8, 2022 References Approved

Alexithymia is a personality construct that makes it difficult to identify and express one's own emotions, as well as perceive and correctly respond to the emotions of others. Dating a person with alexithymia may involve some extra challenges, but with honesty and patience, it is still possible to make your relationship thrive.

Steps

1
Understand alexithymia. Alexithymia is a condition that impacts someone's ability to understand emotions in themselves and others. Each person with alexithymia is different, and some people experience alexithymia more strongly than others.^{[1]
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- They may not talk much about feelings, and seem "out of their depth" when it comes to emotional nuances.
- They may not have strong feelings (or, they may have them but struggle to identify them, such as getting a stress stomachache and thinking "I must have eaten something bad").
- They may seem aloof or cold.
- They may be awkward and detached from intimacy.
- They may be autistic. (Alexithymia and autism overlap, though not all people with alexithymia are autistic, and not all autistic people have alexithymia.)^{[2]
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2
Try asking about their alexithymia. Some people with alexithymia are familiar with the ins and outs, while others might not even know that they have it. Having an honest discussion about it can help you understand your partner, and the two of you can work out how to handle any problems that might arise.^{[3]
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- Ask "Are you familiar with alexithymia?"
- Ask how they feel alexithymia impacts them personally. (Different people have different levels of it.)
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3
Keep your expectations realistic. Depending on the degree of your partner's alexithymia, they may not be able to engage with you on certain emotional levels. If you're expecting your partner to magically become emotional and empathetic when they cannot, then you are setting yourself up for unhappiness.
4
Consider how to meet your emotional needs, with your partner and with other people like friends and family. A partner with alexithymia may not always be your best confidante, so don't be afraid to reach out to other people too. This can help you meet your needs, and lessen the expectations placed on your partner.
- For example, if your partner isn't good at listening to you vent, then maybe you could vent to your mom or your best friend instead, and then go hang out with your partner.
- If you are someone who needs a lot of emotional engagement in a relationship, and your partner is fairly unemotional, it may mean that the two of you are a bad fit. If this is the case, break it off.
5
Tell your partner what you need. Do you want them to acknowledge the problem, or find common ground with you, or find a solution to a problem? Think about what you need, and then say it. (Don't expect your partner to be able to read between the lines.) Then use "I" phrases or the NVC style to express your feelings and needs. For example,^{[4]
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- "I'm feeling really sad right now because I had a rough day. I would really like to spend some time with you, maybe like cuddling or watching a movie."
- "I'm having a hard time dealing with my feelings. I need to be alone for a little while. I'll come back when I'm ready."
- "When I talk about problems in my day, I don't always want advice right away. I need time to process my feelings out loud. It would be really helpful if you validated my feelings and just listened first."
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Avoid dishonesty. Your partner may have a hard time understanding emotions, so they are counting on you to verbalize them. If you say one thing but mean another, your partner is unlikely to figure out what you actually want. It's best to be straightforward and talk about what you need.^{[5]
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- For example, if you say "leave me alone," but you actually want them to stay, don't get mad when they leave you alone.
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Talk to them if they do something hurtful. People with alexithymia may not always realize when their actions hurt someone else. If your partner does something that upsets you or someone else, talk to them about it. If they don't understand, explain it to them. Let them know how they can make up for it.
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Help your partner work through their own feelings, if needed. Sometimes, people with alexithymia may face big emotions that they don't understand or know how to handle. If your partner is dealing with this, you can help by validating their feelings and helping them label and work through their emotions.^{[6]
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- Some people with alexithymia might find it helpful to talk about their emotions, while others might not. When in doubt, ask "Do you want to talk about it?"
- For example, you might ask "Are you sad?" and they might consider it and say "I think I'm mad," and you could ask "What are you mad about?"
- If they tell you that they don't know how to deal with an emotion, gently offer some ideas. For example, if they say they're sad, you could offer suggestions like writing in a journal, listening to sad music, watching a movie, getting ice cream, or talking about their sadness some more.
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Keep checking in, expressing needs, and saying how you feel. If you're upset, let them know. If they helped you, tell them that it helped. Keep being honest and expressing yourself in ways they can understand. This can help you build and maintain a strong relationship.

Warnings

Stay away from scams that demonize people with alexithymia. One person invented "Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder" to describe spouses of people with alexithymia as victims of their partners. This isn't based in research, and it's hurtful to imply that people with alexithymia are automatically negligent and unloving partners.

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