How to Stop Being a Jealous Girlfriend

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: March 1, 2021 References Approved

Jealousy is a natural emotion but it can hurt your relationships if it gets out of control. Deal with your jealous feelings by figuring out where they come from and why they develop. Do your best to communicate openly with your partner to avoid misunderstandings and to reduce your feelings of insecurity. Enjoy being in love but make sure to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being as well.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Addressing the Root Cause of Your Jealousy

1
Try to pinpoint the root of your jealousy. Feeling jealous in a relationship does not necessarily mean that you are naturally an insecure person. Try to isolate the point where your jealousy began, whether in your current relationship or a previous one. Consider the events and circumstances that surrounded it to understand the context in which it developed.^{[1]
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- For instance, your jealousy may have developed in a previous relationship where you found out your partner was cheating on you.
2
Note if you feel jealous when your partner is around other females. Feeling jealous when your partner spends time with other women is likely a sign of insecurity. The discomfort in this situation may come from a fear that your partner will be unfaithful, indicating a lack of trust. Ask yourself they have actually demonstrated this kind of behaviour in your relationship, or if you may be exhibiting a mild form of paranoia.^{[2]
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- Individuals with mild paranoia have a tendency to suspect that others have malicious intentions without evidence to support their belief.
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3
Ask yourself if you get jealous when your partner talks about their ex. It can be difficult to hear about your partner's past relationships, but it's important to remember that these memories are a part of their history. Ask yourself if you feel jealous because you feel inadequate compared to your partner's past loves. This may indicate a self-esteem issue that has nothing to do with your partner.^{[3]
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4
Reconsider your long-held beliefs about relationships. Some assumptions that you make about how romantic relationships should be can give you unrealistic expectations. Reflect on your beliefs about relationships and focus on identifying ones that could be problematic. Consider where those beliefs came from and try to formulate more realistic ideas about being in a couple.^{[4]
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- For instance, the assumption that your partner should be attracted to you and no one else may create unnecessary feelings of envy or inadequacy.
- Unrealistic romantic ideals may come from sources like movies, television, and fairy tales.
5
Speak to a counsellor or therapist to help resolve your jealous feelings. Through talk therapy, a counsellor or therapist can help you identify the triggers of your jealousy and develop coping mechanisms to avoid it. Find a specialist in your area and book an appointment to open up about your negative feelings. Sharing your experiences openly may give you a new perspective about your relationship.
- A counsellor or therapist can also help you deal with any underlying anxiety that might be making your jealousy worse.
- To find a counsellor or therapist in the U.S., get in touch with your local Mental Health America affiliate by searching their website at http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/find-affiliate.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Communicating Openly

1
Be honest about your jealousy with your partner. Feelings of jealousy are more likely to get out of hand if you keep them secret. Be upfront with your partner when you are feeling envious or insecure. Let them know that you are telling them about your jealousy so that you can get control over it in an honest and healthy way. ^{[5]
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- Use this strategy in situations where you worry that your jealousy may get the better of you and want to prevent it.
- For instance, say something like, "I'm feeling a bit insecure about you spending time with your work friends and not inviting me to join you, but I am trying to control my jealousy so it doesn't hurt our relationship."
2
Tell your partner what you need from your relationship with them. We can't expect a romantic partner to guess all of our needs and wants, so it is important to be upfront about things. Outline your expectations and be clear about your limits. A lack of knowledge about your feelings may lead your partner to disappoint you unwittingly and leave you feeling unfulfilled.^{[6]
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- For instance, tell your partner if you are not comfortable with them spending time with an ex-girlfriend. Whether or not they agree, it is best to be open about your feelings so they understand your reactions.
- Be clear with your partner if infidelity is a relationship deal-breaker for you.
3
Use "I" statements to communicate clearly with your partner. "I" statements are structured to help individuals communicate how they are feeling about some else's actions without conveying blame. An "I" statement should briefly establish the situation, express the feeling you have about it, and state its effect on you. Use these statements as much as possible when communicating with your partner to facilitate an open dialogue.^{[7]
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- For instance, you might say, "When you don't answer my phone calls, I feel worried and it causes me stress."
- By focusing on your own feelings instead of what they did to upset you, you can avoid negativity and conflict while still getting your point across.
4
Practice active listening to show your partner empathy and understanding. Active listening involves being empathetic and receptive when your partner talks and letting them that know you are hearing them. Listen carefully to what they say without interrupting. Check in with the person during pauses or after they are done talking to reiterate some of what they said to ensure that you understood them correctly.^{[8]
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- For example, demonstrate that you are listening by saying something like, "It sounds like you've been feeling discouraged and stressed out about things at work."
5
Work out compromises that make you both feel valued. Making demands of you partner without considering their feelings is bound to create tension in your relationship. Help to foster a sense of trust and cooperation by offering solutions to problems that benefit both of you. This will show that you are taking their well-being into account while maintaining your own boundaries.^{[9]
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- For instance, if you are upset about your partner going to a sports event with a colleague instead of you, suggest that the two of you go to a show the following week to make up for it.
6
Don't snoop on your partner to quell your jealousy. If you are uncertain enough about your partner to snoop on them, nothing that you uncover will be helpful to you. Even if you find something that proves your partner to be untrustworthy, you will also be breaking their trust by violating their privacy. Fight the urge to check up on your partner by doing things like:^{[10]
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- Reading their texts or emails
- Searching through their internet browser history
- Going through their belongings
7
Don't make social media the center of your relationship. Spending too much time on social media can cause jealousy and isolate you from your real-life relationship. Instead of portraying your relationship through posts and pictures on social media, focus on strengthening your connection with your partner. Avoid communicating with them too much over social media, which can actually foster distance between the 2 of you in the long run.^{[11]
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- For instance, if you see an article that your partner would enjoy, send it to them by email or show it to them in person instead of posting it on their Facebook wall.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Valuing Yourself

1
Remind yourself of your best qualities to boost your self-esteem. Low self-confidence can leave you vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Boost your self-esteem by making a list of your strongest attributes, as expressed by others or evidenced in your achievements. Emphasize these positive thoughts to ward off negative feelings about yourself.^{[12]
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- Write down things like, "I am generous" or "I make people laugh."
2
Enjoy your alone time. When relationships start to get co-dependent, one or both parties may feel inclined to spend all their time with their partner. Try to take time for yourself to do things that you enjoy on your own. Valuing your alone time will help you feel less jealous when your partner does things without you. ^{[13]
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- For instance, you might take advantage of your time alone to read a book, go for a run, visit a spa, watch our favorite TV shows, or go shopping.
3
Pursue new interests and hobbies on your own. In healthy relationships, both partners have their own interests to pursue. This can help to reduce jealousy by keeping both parties occupied and fulfilled. To boost your self-esteem and protect your relationship, try an activity like:^{[14]
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- Photography
- Dancing
- Playing an instrument
- Painting
- Writing
4
Avoid comparing yourself to your partner's former girlfriends. It is natural to think about how you compare to your partner's former loves, but overthinking this comparison can be harmful. Remind yourself that former relationships are in the past for a reason and concentrate on the strength of your current relationship. Focusing on the past will allow it to overshadow your present happiness.^{[15]
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- Avoid the temptation to look for your partner's exes on social media.

Help Talking About and Controlling Jealousy

Talking to Your Partner about Jealous Feelings

Ways to Control Jealous Feelings

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it normal to be a jealous girlfriend?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Ask yourself if your jealousy is warranted. It's important to know that there's a certain level of possessiveness that's actually healthy in an exclusive relationship. Jealousy isn't always something you need to get over. Sometimes it's a healthy warning sign that you and your partner have different ideas about what's appropriate.