How to Spot an Emotionally Unavailable Man

Co-authored by Cherlyn Chong and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: August 22, 2022 References

You care about your partner, but you're never able to feel totally comfortable and satisfied in your relationship—it might feel like there's a big wall between you two. If these feelings sound familiar, you might be dating an emotionally unavailable man. This can be a lonely and confusing experience, but there's light at the end of the tunnel. Keep reading for signs of an emotionally unavailable man, plus what to do if you're in a relationship with one.

Section 1 of 3:

What does “emotionally unavailable” mean?

Emotionally unavailable people avoid genuine connection. They may jump from fling to fling, always doing their best to avoid letting their relationships get too serious. Whether it's because they've been burned by a past love or they felt neglected as a child, these men avoid getting close as a way to protect themselves from getting hurt.^{[1]
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- On the other hand, despite past hurt and disappointment, emotionally available people are willing to be honest and vulnerable with the people in their life.
- Emotionally available people understand that even though this can get them hurt, it's also the only way to find true, meaningful connections.

Section 2 of 3:

Signs a Man Is Emotionally Unavailable

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He doesn’t open up to you. A full, healthy relationship should be filled with emotional vulnerability and deep chats. But when you’re dating an emotionally unavailable man, he might avoid sharing his feelings like the plague. Pay close attention, and you'll notice how he actively steers himself away from real, authentic discussions. He may:^{[2]
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- Never reciprocate after you share something vulnerable
- Change the subject when you ask him a serious or meaningful question
- Offer a surface level response to a thought-provoking or emotional question
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He doesn’t seem comfortable when you’re vulnerable. When you finally muster up the courage to explain how you feel, an emotionally unavailable man may not know what to say in response. Pay attention the next time you try to initiate intimacy—he might give you an awkward response, he might not say anything, or he might give a brief reply and then change the subject.^{[3]
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- “Oh, um…really? That’s nice, I guess.”
- “Aw, that’s sweet. Hey, have you seen my keys anywhere? I can’t find them.”
- He may also reflect your feelings back to you, but offer nothing more: “Yeah, totally. I feel the exact same way.”
3
He’s noncommittal and inconsistent. Take a second to think—can you rely on him to stick to plans, initiate plans, and text you back regularly? If the answer is no, this could be a sign of an emotionally unavailable man. He might constantly show up late, flake, and leave you on "read."^{[4]
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- If he does this once or twice, that doesn’t have to be a big deal. After all, everyone gets busy sometimes!
- But if flaky behavior is the rule, not the exception, then he could definitely be keeping you at arm's length.
- He may even avoid labels that signal commitment. Has he ever mentioned that he doesn’t like the term “boyfriend” or “relationship”?
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He doesn’t seem interested in moving forward. When a fulfilling relationship is progressing in a healthy way, you’ll start to feel closer and reach classic milestones together. When one person is scared of or uninterested in that closeness, you'll spin your wheels instead. Take a moment to reflect—does he initiate conversations or plans that could propel your relationship forward? Or, does he:^{[5]
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- Avoid meeting people who are important to you, like friends and family.
- Never invite you to meet people that are important in his life
- Never mention future plans that involve you
5
He rarely puts effort into your relationship. If he doesn’t invest his time and effort in you, that’s a sign that he’s emotionally unavailable. Instead of showing you how much he cares, putting you first, and making sure you feel satisfied, he may view your relationship as self-sustaining. Think back—does he ever take initiative, or do you do most of the work? He may:^{[6]
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- Never come over with flowers or a special snack
- Rarely plan dates. Instead, you offer your ideas and he either accepts or rejects them.
- Not seem to care if you express dissatisfaction with the relationship. Or, he says he cares, but he doesn't make an effort to improve things.
6
He gets defensive or judgmental when you ask for intimacy. In a satisfying, romantic partnership, emotional connection and closeness are the norm—not some grand, gigantic thing for you to ask of your partner. If, when you try to initiate a vulnerable conversation, he seems taken aback, angry, or put out, then he might be emotionally unavailable. Look out for these signs:^{[7]
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- He sighs, groans, or says something dismissive (“Not this again”).
- He calls you needy.
- He says he doesn’t have time for this, but never follows up when he does have time.
- He openly judges you: “I don’t get why you need intimacy so often.”
- When you explain that you have needs that he’s not filling, he’s defensive: “This is so crazy! It's not my fault. Why are you asking so much of me?”
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He expresses himself physically, but not emotionally. If he only seems willing to show his appreciation, care, and feelings during your hook ups, that’s a sign that he’s emotionally unavailable. You may even find yourself extra interested in physical intimacy, because it’s the only time he seems fully engaged in your company.^{[8]
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You constantly feel ignored, rejected, or misunderstood. If your relationship makes you feel confused and stressed—pay attention to those feelings. In a partnership with great communication and common goals, even when things are tough, you should still feel as though you can speak to your partner about the issue and fix things.^{[9]
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- If you never know where you stand and you always feel like something is missing, pay attention to what your heart is saying.
- You deserve to feel comfortable and safe in your own relationship. If you're not getting that, then something should change.
9
His relationship history is full of flings and toxic connections. Oftentimes, emotional unavailability is something you can spot in someone’s romantic track record. Take a second to consider his relationship history. Has he only ever had short-term, casual romances? Or, on the other hand, has he been in a toxic relationship where intimacy was especially difficult or painful?^{[10]
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- Or, if you realize that you know nothing about his romantic history, that’s a sign of emotional unavailability, too. These men may find it extremely difficult to open up to partners, so he may be leaving you in the dark on purpose.

Section 3 of 3:

How to Improve Your Relationship

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Know your own worth. Having a healthy, satisfying relationship with a man who struggles with intimacy is totally possible. The key, though, is being confident in yourself and knowing exactly what you deserve. That way, you'll be able to work through things without ignoring your own needs.^{[11]
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- You deserve intimacy, connection, and support. If your partner is willing to work with you to get better in these areas, then he could be worth the effort.
- If he’s not (or fails to prove that through his actions), then he can’t make you happy and you need to choose yourself.
- “Fixing” a partner who doesn't want to be fixed won’t be fulfilling in the long run. If you're both on the same page, though, you can totally find a healthy compromise.
2
Create an open dialogue. For the two of you to find solid ground together, practice honest communication. Be open about what you feel is missing in the relationship. Encourage him to work with you—that way, you two can discuss expectations, boundaries, and mutual goals, and when this issue continues to pop up in the future, you can identify it and talk it through.^{[12]
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- “I feel like we should talk about the distance I feel here. I need emotional intimacy in a relationship to be happy. But at times, it feels like you don’t want that.”
- “I want to work on this with you, but only if you want what I want: a healthy, full relationship."
- Once you’ve established this base, talk about the issue as it arises in the future: "I think you just dodged my question. Did you notice that, too?"
3
Talk to a couple's counselor. Professionals can help you two get solid mediation and space to talk through your issues. With emotional unavailability, communication really is key. If you two are both committed to making things work but struggle to have honest, productive discussions together, let a couples counselor offer extra support.^{[13]
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