11 Ways to Respond to a Mean or Toxic Text Message

Co-authored by Ashley Smith, PhD and Kai Hynes

Last Updated: November 16, 2022 References

Getting a mean text message can really hurt. Your immediate reaction might be anger or sadness, but don’t let your emotions make you say something you’ll regret later! Instead, take a minute to think about who sent the text and what you want your response to do. Is this a friend who could be genuinely upset about something, or a cyberbully or troll who’s being mean for fun? Do you want to turn this into a meaningful conversation, or shut it down completely? To help you out, we’ve compiled a list of responses for any situation. Take a deep breath. You’ve got this!

1

“I’m not going to respond to this right now.”

Give yourself time to calm down before you say the wrong thing to a friend. You might feel really emotional right after reading a mean text message, especially when it comes from someone you care about.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Ashley Smith, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 22 October 2021.} In situations like this, it’s best to step away from your phone and cool off before you unintentionally escalate the conversation and possibly ruin your relationship.^{[2]
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Research source}
- You can be transparent about why you need time. For example, “I don’t want to respond right now because I’m upset and don’t want to say anything I’ll regret later.”
- You might need a few minutes, hours, or even days to feel ready to respond to a mean text message with a clear mind. Take your time.
- You should tell the other person you’re taking some time to think, rather than not saying anything at all. You don’t want them to think you’re ignoring them!

2

“Are you trying to be mean?”

There’s a possibility you could be misinterpreting the text. Reading emotions and intentions over phones and the internet can be difficult sometimes. In general, it’s good to assume that other people aren’t trying to be rude over text, especially friends.^{[3]
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Research source} If you can’t tell whether their comment was meant to be mean, ask them before jumping to your own conclusions.
- It could be that the other person didn’t realize they were hurting your feelings! Asking this could lead to an apology.
- You don’t want to get into an argument or write someone off over an accidental miscommunication.
- You might read a “mean” text differently after you let your initial emotional reaction pass and look at it again with fresh eyes.

3

“Did I say or do something wrong?”

There’s a possibility the text is in response to something you did. It can be easy to assume the person who sent a mean text is in the wrong. However, it’s important to understand both sides of a conversation before creating an opinion.^{[4]
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Research source} Ask if there’s a reason they’re upset, and try talking out a solution with them.
- “Could you tell me what I did to upset you?”
- “I think I deserve to know why you’re angry with me.”
- “I don’t like this tension between us. Can we talk?”
- “Is there something I can apologize for?”
- “Please tell me what I can do to fix things.”

4

“Is this really about something else?”

If the comment seems out of the blue, they might just be having a bad day. It’s hard to not take a mean text personally, but remember that the person who sent it has a life outside of you. They might just be taking their frustration about something else out on you.^{[5]
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Research source} If it seems random that this person is being mean to you, try asking them what they’re actually upset about.
- “Where is this coming from?”
- “I won’t take this personally. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
- “This is about ___, isn’t it?”
- “I don’t understand why you’re being mean to me.”
- “This really isn’t like you. Is everything ok?”

5

“I’m really sorry you’re hurting.”

Respond with kindness to let the anger fade away. Some people hurt others because they’ve been hurt themselves. Rather than giving someone the offended reaction they might expect from being mean to you, stop them in their tracks with calmness and empathy.^{[6]
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Research source} This could either get them to drop the conversation and stop bothering you or open up a meaningful dialogue.
- “I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.”
- “You don’t have to be mean to others to feel better about yourself.”
- “I won’t hold this against you because I know you don’t really mean it.”
- “We both know you didn’t need to say that, right?”
- “You’re so much better than this!”

6

“Why would you say that?”

Flip the script by turning the attention onto the person being mean. Ask the other person why they sent you a mean text to make them reflect on their own intentions.^{[7]
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Research source} Get them to scramble for a good answer that justifies their behavior, or make them admit that they’re being mean for no valid reason!
- “What do you want me to say to that?”
- “How do you think that makes me feel?”
- “Are you trying to get a reaction out of me?”
- “Do you feel better after saying that?”
- “Was that really necessary?”

7

“That’s not cool.”

Sometimes you just need to state your opinion and leave it at that. It’s not always worth getting into a huge discussion or argument over one little mean text.^{[8]
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Research source} If you’re confident that you’ve done nothing to deserve this hate, end the conversation right then and there. Shut them down with something brief, and only respond after they’ve calmed down.
- “You didn’t have to say that.”
- “You’re being immature.”
- “Don’t be mean for the sake of being mean.”
- “I don’t want to get into an argument with you, so I won’t say anything.”
- “I’m not going to entertain this.”

8

“I feel disrespected when you say that.”

Stand up for yourself by telling the other person how you feel. People say mean things to try getting emotional responses out of others. Rather than freaking out and giving them what they want, surprise them by being blunt and honest about how their comment makes you feel.^{[9]
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Research source} Extend this with an explanation to show them their words can’t put you down:
- “I feel disrespected when you say that I’m lazy because I work really hard.”
- “I feel disrespected when you say that I’m unpopular because I know I have plenty of friends.”
- “I feel disrespected when you say that I’m ugly because I feel beautiful in my own skin.”

9

“Don’t ever talk to me like that again.”

Set a clear and firm boundary so the other person knows you mean business. Sometimes, the best response to a mean comment is just telling the other person to stop. You don’t even need to explain yourself. Keep your response cold and sharp to really scare your bully away.^{[10]
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- This isn’t you being mean back. This is you standing up for yourself!
- This is a good response to cyberbullies and trolls who might not feel remorse about making you feel bad. Jerks like these aren’t worth having a conversation with.

10

“I’m going to screenshot this.”

Keep evidence of the bullying to make them realize you’re not powerless. Cyberbullies and trolls will continue to be mean if they know they can get away with it without anyone else knowing. You can remind them that you can easily spread the word that they’re bullying if they continue.^{[11]
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Research source} This could make them stop out of fear of getting in trouble.
- You should only publicly share these screenshots for the safety and awareness of other people who interact with this person.
- If you feel really unsafe, use these screenshots as evidence of harassment and show them to your authorities: parents, teachers, bosses, or even law enforcement.

11

“...”

Ignore or block the person if bullying continues. If the person sending you mean messages repeatedly harasses you, you might not want to bother with responding at all.^{[12]
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Research source} At a certain point, words won’t get through to people like that, and anything you respond with will just be used as fuel. Refuse to engage with them!
- If you ignore their texts or block their number, they might turn to other mediums to bully you through, like social media. Block them on everything, if possible.