How to Open Yourself to Love Again After Divorce

Last Updated: June 13, 2021 References

Divorce is often painful, and it can take time to heal enough to begin dating. Once in the dating world, the prospect of love may feel distant and unattainable. If you’re wondering how to start the process, remember that it starts with you. Learn to love and trust yourself first. Let go of your past and acknowledge obstacles such as fear, pain, and comparison to ready yourself for the future. Take some small steps, surround yourself with support, and put yourself out there. Make some changes to your life and don’t be afraid to start dating.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Moving Forward Mentally

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Get positive. You may have felt hopeless or in despair in your marriage. Don’t let that mindset carry over to how you feel now. You have the opportunity to create a different dynamic with someone, so go for it. If you felt like you couldn’t talk to your ex-spouse, commit to communicating more effectively now. You are no longer in a rut, so allow yourself to see yourself, relationships, and a potential partner in a new and different light.^{[1]
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- You don’t have to be the same person you were in the marriage. You can reinvent yourself to be who you want to be. Some people may feel restricted in a bad relationship, and cannot fully express who they are.
- If you start to think, “I’ll never find love again” or, “This is too hard,” remember that this doesn’t have to be true. Focus on positive thoughts instead such as, “I can choose the kind of relationship I want to be in” and, “I can find a healthy and loving relationship.”
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Trust yourself again. Especially if you felt blindsided by divorce or infidelity, it may be difficult to trust yourself to get back out there again.^{[2]
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Research source} Give yourself time to recover before going back out into the dating marketplace. Regain your trust in yourself by starting to make decisions on your own and being pleased with the outcome. Start to listen to your gut feeling when it comes to red flags or something (or someone) who doesn’t feel right.
- Pay attention to any red flags. Trust your feelings and don’t let a relationship go on longer than it must.
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Love yourself more. In order to love others, you must first love yourself. If you struggle with self-esteem or self-worth, sort this out before you open your heart to love. Find the things that are unique to you, whether they be skills or abilities or silly quirks. Find your interests and explore them. You may realize you have a passion for dance or that you love volunteering at an animal shelter. Discover your passions and love the things that fire you up and make you, you.^{[3]
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- Ask a couple close friends what makes you special. While this may feel awkward or strange to you, listen to what they appreciate about you and take it to heart.
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Remain hopeful. People that are hopeful are more likely to find love. Even if you’re hesitant, keep a positive attitude and hope for the best. Especially if you came from a difficult relationship, remind yourself that not every relationship has to be difficult or end badly. Keep your head up and tell yourself that it is possible to find love.
- Remind yourself of the couples you know who have a happy relationship. There’s no reason you can’t find a happy and loving relationship, too.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Letting Go of What’s Unhelpful

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Let go of pain and resentment. Holding on to the pain of your divorce is not helping you to move forward. Even if your ex has made the divorce difficult, don’t get stuck on their flaws. Let go of their wrongdoings and admit that you’ve not been perfect, either.^{[4]
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Research source} Emotionally detach from your ex and the relationship. Holding onto any grudges or resentment will not help you move forward.
- For example, holding onto the pain of a cheating ex won’t help you move forward. Acknowledge that it hurt you, yet recognize that not all people cheat.
- If forgiving your ex is too big an item to ask, then work on accepting the relationship and divorce.
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Stop comparing yourself to others. If you’re waiting to find love or date because you don’t feel like you’re good enough, stop making excuses. You might not feel attractive enough to date or that you make enough money to have a partner. If you look around and think that everyone is more eligible than you, stop comparing yourself right then and there. You have qualities and traits that other people want, and comparing yourself to others will always end in feeling bad about yourself.^{[5]
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- If you’re dating yet don’t feel satisfied with any partners, recognize that no relationship is perfect, no matter how it looks on the outside. If you want a relationship just like your parent’s or a friend’s, recognize that it’s impossible to replicate and each couple has their differences.
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Remove any self-imposed obstacles. If you’re holding out on finding love because you want to lose weight or make more money or have a different career, recognize that you are creating obstacles, or perhaps even excuses, for yourself. Don’t hinge your happiness on something in the future for when you can start to feel open to love. Just because you don’t have your ideal job or you’re not at your ideal weight doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to find love.^{[6]
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- Release the obstacles you’ve created for yourself and say, “I deserve to be happy right now as I am.” You may even consider putting up little signs on the mirrors in your home with affirmations like this written on them.
- Some people won’t allow themselves to date if they have a child. Recognize that you deserve to be happy and find love and your happiness can be beneficial for your child.
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Let go of fear. Perhaps you hold yourself back from finding love because you’re afraid. Recognize your fear and face it. What is it that makes you afraid? Are you worried about getting hurt again, cheated on, or heart-broken? Journal about your fears and find ways to move forward with your life, despite feeling fearful.^{[7]
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- Have you conquered your fears before? How did you do it? What makes you think you can do it again?
- Many people hesitate to date or fall in love because they fear heartbreak. While heartbreak is difficult, you were strong enough to handle it before and you can get through it again should it happen. Even if you do experience hurt, it doesn’t mean that love isn’t out there for you.
- If you find you are completely overcome with fear, then you might consider seeking counseling and working through it. At the very least, it may be a sign that it is too early for you to date.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Taking Action

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Start dating. To open your heart to love, you have to make an effort to start dating. Go on many or few dates. Resist the urge to tell-all to your date and instead, reveal a bit of yourself at a time. You may overwhelm your date if you talk a lot about your divorce or inexperience with dating.
- Find singles events, try online dating, and let friends and family members know you’re open to date and meet someone new.
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Take small steps. If you’re starting to date, don’t rush into anything you may regret later. Take small steps and go out your own comfortable pace. If someone isn’t willing to follow your pace, reconsider. And don’t rush into a sexual relationship too quickly, as you may be hurt or disappointed and close yourself off to other potentially great opportunities.
- Don’t feel pressured to take a relationship faster than you want to. You don’t need to become physically or emotionally intimate before you are ready.
- If you’re dating, let your date know that you want to take things slowly. They will either respect you and your wishes or move on.
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Surround yourself with caring people. Make time for friends and family. If you’re feeling uncertain about entering a new phase of life of dating or opening to love, have people who care about you close to you. Don’t isolate from your support system. Ask questions about dating, love, laugh about your missteps, and discuss your experiences with friends to get some feedback.^{[8]
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- Surrounding yourself with friends means that you’ll have support from others as you explore new relationships and have people to fall back on.
- Get in the habit of making phone calls or getting together with close friends often. Try to have a friends night at least once a month to get together, talk, and have fun.
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Make one change. Commit to making one simple change and staying with it for 21 days. Making a change to your daily routine can open up new opportunities to meet people. It can also help you see yourself in a new light Commit to having a new experience or trying something that makes you fearful.
- Cut back your hours at work, attend a yoga class, start painting, or reinvest in an old hobby.
- Do something positive for your life that can help open you up to love. Maybe you want to start journaling regularly, meditating, or spending more time outdoors.
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Talk with a therapist. A therapist can help you if you’re feeling shaky about loving someone new. You can learn to improve your self-esteem, discover new coping skills, and talk about your fears in moving forward. Talk about the things that may be difficult to share with friends or family with a therapist.
- Find a therapist by getting a referral from your physician, calling your insurance provider or your local mental health clinic.