How to Make Yourself Not Love Someone

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: September 6, 2022 References

Whether you're trying to get over an ex or move on from an unrequited crush, stopping yourself from loving someone is a tricky business. The emotions can be overwhelming. However, with time, support from friends and family, and a lot of self-love, you will get there.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Stop Loving Someone You Have a Crush On

1
Make a list of all the reasons why it would never work. Making a list of concrete reasons why a relationship between you and the other person would never work can be very helpful when you're pining for them and need a little reminder of why you should stop.
- It could be absolutely anything - from the fact that there's a thirty year age gap between you, to the fact that they're gay, to the fact that you could never truly love someone who has a tattoo of a Celtic cross on their left bicep.
- Be brutally honest with yourself - your heart will thank you for it in the long run. Tell yourself that he/she isn't the nicest person and they don't deserve you.
2
Ask yourself if you really love this person. Sometimes it might feel like you love someone - the hot guy who works at Starbucks, your best friend's sister, someone you met on the internet, or a favorite musician or movie star - but it's really just an infatuation or crush. Yes, you might think about them all the time and imagine what it would be like to be with them, but if you never spend any time with them or they don't even know you exist, it's unlikely that what you're feeling is love.
- True love requires reciprocation, it requires spending time with the person and getting to know all of their individual quirks and flaws.^{[1]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
- If you haven't experienced this, then it's more likely that you're more in love with the idea of the person, than with the person themselves.
- If you can persuade yourself that what you're feeling isn't really love - in the true sense of the word - then you will find it a lot easier to move on.
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3
Determine whether there is any hope for a relationship. The next thing you need to do is analyze the situation and figure out if there is any possibility of a relationship blossoming between you and your loved one. If there is a realistic possibility - like a single person at work or school who you just haven't had the confidence to approach yet - then all is not lost and you should consider mustering up your courage and asking them out on a date.
- If, however, the person you love is your best friend's girlfriend, your English teacher, or, say, Leonardo DiCaprio, then you should probably just cut your losses and move on. It's never going to happen.
- This may be harsh, but the sooner you accept the truth, the easier it will be for you to move on.
4
Focus on developing relationships with available people. Do yourself a favor and stop mooning over someone it's never going to work out with and start focusing your attentions on someone more available. Perhaps you've been so busy loving someone from a distance that you haven't noticed your soul mate sitting right under your nose.^{[2]
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- You know that male friend that's always offering to carry your books for you? Or that girl who looks you directly in the eyes and smiles every time she passes by? Focus on him/her.
- Even if you don't develop any romantic engagements immediately, it's always good to put yourself out there and endeavor to meet new people.
5
Remind yourself that you deserve to love someone who loves you back. Unrequited love is painful and is something that no one deserves to live with forever, especially someone as amazing as you. You deserve to be with someone who adores you, who thinks the sun shines out of you, who wants to spend the rest of their lives with you. Forget the idiot who doesn't love you back and refuse to settle for anything less than pure, unadulterated adoration.^{[3]
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- Try using positive affirmations to remind yourself of how awesome you are. Look in the mirror and repeat five times "I am an amazing person who deserves to be loved". You may feel silly at first, but sooner or later it will start to sink in.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Stop Loving An Ex

1
Accept that it's over. When a relationship ends, don't try to deny the truth by holding on to unfounded hopes. Don't try to convince yourself that she'll take you back or that he will try to change. Accept that the relationship is over. The sooner you do this the sooner you can move on.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.}
2
Allow yourself to grieve. When you're still in love with someone, the end of a relationship can feel like a huge loss.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.} You need to take some time to mourn the love that you've lost.
- Try to handle your grief in a healthy way. Don't shut down your emotions or bottle things up. It's okay to cry.
- Try taking out your frustrations on a punching bag at the gym or curl up on the couch with your favorite movie and a tub of ice cream. Whatever makes you feel good.
3
Cut off contact. It may sound harsh, but the best way to get over a broken heart is to go cold turkey and cut off all contact with the other person. Staying in contact will just make it harder to stop thinking about the other person.^{[6]
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- Remove the person's number from your phone. This will remove the temptation to text or call, especially when you are feeling particularly vulnerable and might say something you regret.
- Avoid going to places where you think you might run in to the person. Seeing them will stir up feelings and memories which might overwhelm you.
- Cut off contact on social media. Unfriend them on Facebook and unfollow them on Twitter. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it will be helpful at first. It's difficult to move on when you're obsessing over status updates.
4
Get rid of reminders. Remove any photographs, clothes, books, toys or music belonging to the other person from your house. Destroy them if you think it'll help relieve some anger (and you won't regret it later!) Otherwise, put everything in a box and put it somewhere you won't have to look at it. Out of sight, out of mind.
5
Don't torture yourself. Don't agonize over what went wrong or what you could have done differently. You can't change the past and punishing yourself for previous (or imagined) mistakes won't do you any good. It might seem almost impossible, but try not to torture yourself with "what ifs."
6
Talk to someone. Talking to a friend, family member or even a therapist can really help take a weight off your shoulders. Cry, curse, scream, shout. Verbalize every sweet sentiment or mean thought you've ever had about the other person - let it all out. It's amazing how cathartic just expressing yourself can be.^{[7]
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- Make sure you talk to someone you can trust, and go somewhere private to talk. You don't want your innermost thoughts and feelings getting back to your ex.
- Don't overdo it. Most people will be sympathetic and willing to listen at first, but if you continue to mope for weeks on end you will soon start to sound like a broken record and wear on people's patience.
7
Give yourself time. It may sound like a meaningless platitude now, but time really does heal all wounds. Accept the fact that it's going to take some time to feel like your old self again, but rest assured you will.
- Try keeping a journal to track how you're feeling each day. When you look back at what you've written in a couple of months time, you'll be amazed at how far you've come.
- Don't put pressure on yourself to be over your ex or to start dating someone new within a certain time-frame. You'll know when you're ready.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Focusing On You

1
Sleep. One of the best ways to take care of yourself is to ensure that you are getting plenty of sleep. The quality of your sleep can make a huge difference to how you feel every day. Sleeping gives your brain time to process - you can wake up after a good night's sleep feeling calmer and with a fresh perspective on life. This is why sleeping well is so important when you're trying to get over somebody.
- If you're having trouble falling asleep, try to give yourself an hour to wind down before bed. Have a relaxing bubble bath or read a book. Drink a hot cocoa or chamomile tea. Stay away from television and electronics - these will stimulate brain function, rather than slow it down.
- After a good night's sleep you will feel refreshed and energized - ready to take on the day. You will also look fresher and more attractive and be able to concentrate better throughout the day.
2
Exercise. It's tempting to just wallow on the couch in self-pity when you're trying to get over someone, but the best possible thing you could do is get some exercise. It doesn't matter what it is - running, dancing, rock-climbing, zumba - they all have the same positive effect. Exercise will release the happy-hormones and make you look and feel amazing!
- Just 30 minutes of exercise a few times a week will release the endorphins necessary to create feelings of happiness and euphoria. In fact, studies have shown that exercise can even alleviate symptoms among the clinically depressed.^{[8]
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- Try exercising outdoors to soak up some fresh air and Vitamin D - you'll feel happier and less stressed instantly!
- Exercise will help boost your self-confidence at a time when you probably need it the most. Regardless of weight, size, gender, or age, exercise can quickly elevate a person's perception of his or her attractiveness and self-worth.^{[8]
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3
Meditate. Meditation helps to relieve stress and allows us to forget about unpleasant feelings or thoughts.^{[9]
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Research source} Even ten minutes of meditation a day will help alleviate stress. Here are some tips to help you meditate effectively:
- Create a calm and peaceful atmosphere. Choose a location where you won't be interrupted. Turn off your phone. Choose music and lighting that you find calming and relaxing.
- Set up your props. Yoga mats or cushions can help to make you more comfortable while you meditate. Having a small fountain with running water nearby can be very soothing. Light some candles to scent the air or simply "set the mood."
- Wear comfortable clothing. You'll find it hard to relax your mind and forget about the world around you if you're feeling uncomfortable.
- Sit in a cross-legged position. Keep your back as straight as possible, don't slump.
- Close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Breath naturally, preferably through the nostrils.
- Attempt to clear your mind of all thoughts, focus solely on your breathing. Gradually your distracting thoughts will subside and you will experience a sense of inner peace and relaxation. ^{[10]
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4
Write. Writing can be amazingly cathartic. Just putting your worries or emotions on paper can make you feel lighter and less burdened. Try keeping a journal, or write a letter to your ex (never to be sent) to help you process your emotions. Reread your words and try to identify what is really bothering you – and what you need from a relationship going forward.
- Also try writing a letter to yourself about why the relationship wouldn’t have worked, regardless of who ended it. (Don’t just remember the good times; remember the bad ones, too.)
- If you're more creatively inclined, try turning your thoughts and emotions into poetry or song lyrics. Some of the best art has sprung from a broken heart.
5
Indulge yourself. Now is the time to treat yourself. Just do whatever makes you feel good. Organize a girly spa day with your friends. Invite the guys over to watch the game and drink some beer. Eat whatever you want. Get drunk. Bottom line: have fun.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Starting Afresh

1
Let go of the past. You need to allow yourself time to mourn the end of a serious relationship, or a serious case of unrequited love, but once enough time has passed you should be ready to take on the world again. Let go of the past and embrace this time as a new beginning, a new chapter in your life. Remember, the best is yet to come!
2
Hang out with your friends. Now is the time to reconnect with the friends you may have neglected while you were dating. Call up your childhood besties, your high school gang or your college roommate. Reconnect with your friends and you'll soon have so many social engagements you'll wonder what you've been doing for the last few months/years of your life.
3
Try something new. Now that you're no longer hung up on thinking about someone else, you probably have a lot more free time on your hands. Now is the time to reinvent yourself and become the person you've always wanted to be be. Dye your hair red, take a Japanese class, develop a six pack. Take the opportunity to try something new and you might just discover a hidden talent or a previously unrealized passion.
4
Embrace being single. Take advantage of your new-found emotional freedom and the endless possibilities that singledom entails. Go out with your friends, meet new people and flirt shamelessly. Your ex didn't like dancing? Hit the dance floor! Didn't appreciate your best friend's humor? Laugh all you want! You'll soon be having such a good time on your own that you'll forget why you ever wanted to be in a relationship to begin with.
5
Start dating again. Once enough time has passed and you've soaked up all the goodness single life has to offer, you can start to think about dating again. Don't just ask a person you just met, go places and talk to people be wild and go to paris or a different town for a couple days.
- If you've just come out of a long-term relationship, make sure to take things slow, rebound relationships rarely work out. If you start dating too soon, you'll end up comparing your new love interest to your ex, which isn't fair to him or her.
- Enter your new relationship with hope and optimism - and who knows? They might just be "the one."

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you get over someone you still love?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist

Expert Answer

Talk with your ex so you can get closure. Closure is an important, valuable way to help you feel like you have a voice and the opportunity to discuss some of the unfinished business between you and your partner. Go into this conversation with a goal in mind, so you understand a little more about your inner thoughts and feelings related to the relationship. Stick to the goal of the conversation; this way, your needs are being met, and the conversation can remain productive.
Question

Is it normal to be scared to love someone?

Community Answer

Yes, it's normal to be scared to love someone because you know deep down there is a chance you could be hurt or rejected in the process. But it's important to put these fears aside and love anyway. Otherwise you'll be missing out on one of the best parts of life.
Question

What do I do if my ex still loves me but I don't love my ex?

Community Answer

Tell them that it's over and stop taking their calls, responding to their texts, etc. It will be much easier for both of you if it's a clean break. They will get over it eventually.