This article was co-authored by Amy Chan and by wikiHow staff writer, Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA. Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach and the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. Her team of psychologists and coaches has helped hundreds of individuals in just five years of operation, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. She has published a book on her work, Breakup Bootcamp.
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Getting over someone you loved can feel like an impossible task, but there is hope! You feel a lot of pain right now because your relationship gave you a boost of dopamine, which is a chemical that makes you feel happy. Now that your ex is out of your life, you’re no longer getting that happiness boost. Fortunately, you can work through your painful emotions and come out stronger than before! You might feel depressed or sad if you were very attached, but the best way to forget about them is to talk to someone explain how you feel to a friend or family. Start talking to your friends and meet up with them to do something if you're at the kind of level where you can go out with friends go!!
Steps
Processing Your Emotions
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1Shake your body to burn off excess energy. When you feel strong emotions like sadness, anger, and anxiety, your body releases negative energy as part of your survival response. However, this negative energy can make you feel bad if you don’t get it out. An easy way to release the energy is to shake your body. Start at your shoulders and slowly move down to your feet, shaking yourself as you go. As you do this, imagine that the negative energy is leaving your body.
- If you don’t like shaking yourself, try releasing the energy through a vigorous workout.
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2Vent your feelings to someone you trust. Talking about how you feel can help you feel better. Choose someone you can trust to share your feelings with. Then, tell them about what happened and how it's affecting you. Additionally, share any worries you have.
- Ask the person to listen to you without giving you advice. Say, "This breakup is really hard. Do you mind if I vent a little?"
Variation: Write your feelings down in a letter if you don’t want to share with anyone. You can even destroy the letter after you write it. Tear it up, throw it away, or burn it when you’re finished writing your feelings down.
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3Examine the reasons why your ex isn’t right for you. Don’t idealize your ex after your breakup. Instead, focus on the qualities that make them a bad match for you. Think about the times they let you down or the qualities they don’t have. Let this convince you that things weren’t meant to work out between you.[1]
- Consider the things you want in a partner. Later, you can use this list to help you find a better partner for yourself.
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4Confront beliefs that you won’t find love again if you feel this way. Your breakup may be more painful if you thought your ex was “the one” for you. It might be hard to imagine yourself with someone else, but it will happen one day. Stop thinking that you have just one soulmate out there. Instead, remind yourself that you will find love again.
- You don’t have just one match out there in the world. Everyone has several different potential love matches, so it’s no big deal if one relationship ends.
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5Use a gratitude journal to identify what’s going well in your life. Focusing on the positives in your life can help you balance out your negative emotions, and expressing gratitude for the good things in your life is a great way to think positively! In your gratitude journal, write down 3-5 things every day that you’re grateful for. These can be big or small things! When you feel down, re-read all of your lists to help you feel better.
- For instance, you might write, “my friends, my cat, and beautiful weather today.”
Coping After a Breakup
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1Keep yourself busy for 2-3 weeks after a breakup. Going through a breakup is especially painful because the love and attention you got from your ex is gone. Now that your ex is out of your life, you’re probably feeling painful withdrawals. To help yourself feel better, fill your day with self-care and fun activities with your friends and family. Here are some ways to take care of yourself:
- Spend 15-60 minutes in the morning focusing on your intentions.
- Do a fun exercise like dancing or kickboxing.
- Take care of your basic needs, like eating, bathing, and cleaning your space.
- Do something nice for yourself, like getting a spa treatment or buying a special cup of coffee.
- Go to work or school.
- Spend time working on a personal goal or hobby.
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2Create a routine to help you take care of your needs. When you were with your ex, you likely had a routine that involved talking to and seeing them. Switching up your routine may help you focus on the future. Develop a new schedule for yourself that focuses on the life you want. Be sure to include reminders to keep up with your responsibilities, like paying your bills, washing your clothes, and eating healthy meals.
- During a breakup, taking care of yourself can be really hard. Following a routine can help you keep up with your healthy habits!
Your schedule might look like this:
6:00 a.m.: Get up, take a shower, and get ready
7:00 a.m.: Set positive intentions
7:30 a.m.: Eat a healthy breakfast
8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.: Go to work/school
5:30 p.m.: Eat a healthy dinner
6:00-9:00 p.m.: Spend time with friends or work on a hobby
9:00 p.m.: Wind down for bed.
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3Use distraction to keep your mind off your ex in the first few days. Since your relationship made you happy, you’re naturally going to be craving that feeling after your break up. However, thinking about your ex and remembering your relationship will only make your pain last longer. Instead, do an activity that requires you to focus on the present to distract yourself from your pain. Pick something that makes you feel happy and helps you have fun without your ex!
- For instance, invite your friends over for a game night, go for a nature walk, do a scavenger hunt, take a painting class with your friends, read an exciting book, or go to a Meetup.
- Don’t use distraction to avoid your feelings altogether. Eventually, you’ll need to deal with the painful emotions you’re feeling.
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4Engage in activities that make you feel good to get a dopamine boost. Replacing the dopamine boost you got from your relationship may help you feel better post-breakup. Do at least 1 activity every day that makes you feel great. Pick things that are healthy for you and support your lifestyle goals rather than using unhealthy coping strategies. Here are some ideas:
- Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day.
- Take an art or cooking class.
- Join a recreational sports team.
- Get a pet if you’ve been wanting one.
- Join a club that’s focused on your interests.
- Volunteer for a cause you care about.
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5Surround yourself with friends and family to create a support system. During a breakup, you need to be a part of a community. Reach out to your family and friends for help during this time. Invite them to spend time with you and talk or text with them daily. This can remind you that you’re well-loved.[2]
- You might feel tempted to withdraw during a breakup, but you need to be with people you care about. If you don’t feel like going out, ask a friend or relative to do something fun with you at home, like watching a movie or making a craft project.
Removing Your Ex from Your Life
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1Get rid of physical reminders of your ex. Seeing things that remind you of your ex will keep you locked in the cycle of craving their affection. Go through your living space and remove anything that makes you think of them. Take down photos, remove gifts, and collect mementos. Donate or throw away the items so they won’t remind you of the past.[3]
- If you don’t want to throw the stuff away, put the items in a box that you can give to a friend. When you’re ready, your friend can either discard the box or return it to you.
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2Do a digital detox to avoid reminders of your ex. Your digital world is likely full of reminders about your relationship, and seeing them will be painful. Don’t scroll through photos of you and your ex during good times because it will make it take longer for you to get over them. Here’s what you need to do to detox digitally:[4]
- Unfollow all of their social media pages.
- Delete all of your ex’s text or email messages.
- Save your relationship photos to a folder you can access later, then delete them.
- Block their phone number.
- Stay off social media in the days after the breakup.
Tip: In the week or so after your breakup, it’s best to stay off social media completely. Seeing other people’s posts about their happy relationships will remind you that yours is over. Instead of comparing yourself to other people, spend your time creating a life you love.
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3Focus on yourself instead of worrying about what your ex is doing. You might be wondering about who your ex is seeing, what they’re doing, or if they feel bad about what happened. Don’t give them one more second of your time! Instead of worrying about them, keep your mind on your own needs and wants.
- When you catch yourself thinking about your ex, turn your attention to a hobby or interest.
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4Say “no” to post-break up sex with your ex. It’s normal to feel tempted to hook up with your ex, but doing so will only make the pain worse. Your brain is hardwired to form an emotional connection during sex, and it’ll be an even stronger connection if you’re doing it with someone you used to love. Don’t be alone with your ex after the breakup so you won’t be tempted.
- If you have to see them, ask someone to go with you so that you won’t be alone with them.
Returning to Yourself
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1Focus on your existing relationships and on making new friends. Healthy relationships with your friends and family can help you be a stronger, more independent person. Plus, they will help you realize that you don’t need your ex! Spend time with the people who are important to you so you can grow closer to them. Additionally, go to local events, clubs, Meetups, or classes to meet new people.[5]
- Keep in touch with your friends by talking or texting daily.
- Join your friends for coffee dates, dinner, and games.
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2Pursue the interests you set aside during your relationship. While you were with your ex, it’s likely that you gave up part of yourself to become a partner to them. Now that you’re apart, regaining what you lost can help you enjoy being single! Think about the things you enjoyed before you got with your ex. Then, start including those things in you routine.
- For instance, you might have given up your gym membership because you never had time to go. Now is the time to renew it!
- As another example, you might have stopped painting or doing photography because you were spending more time with your ex. Break out your equipment and dive back into that hobby!
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3Start a new passion project to help you feel fulfilled. Pick a goal you’ve always wanted to accomplish or something that’s always interested you. Then, make a list of steps you can take to start working on it. Dedicate a block of time each day to work on your goal, and try to check off the steps on your list. This can help you stop thinking about your ex and build your independence.
- For example, you might decide to pursue a degree or to start a photography business.
Note: As you work on your passion project, remind yourself that you’re building a future for yourself that isn’t dependent on a relationship.
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4Try new things that your ex refused to do with you. Think about the times your ex said “no” to something you wanted to do, like trying a new restaurant or visiting a local museum. Then, create a breakup bucket list of these items. Ask a friend to join you or go alone as you check off each item on the list. Each time you do something, remind yourself that your ex was holding you back from it.
- For instance, join a friend for Indian food at the restaurant your ex wouldn’t try, paint pottery with a group of friends, play beach volleyball, go on a picnic in the park, visit the planetarium, and go to a slam poetry reading.
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5Identify the future you want for yourself. Picture yourself in a year, 5 years, and 10 years. Think about how you want to live and what type of things you want to do. Then, write down what you hope to accomplish in the coming years so you can start working toward those goals. This can help you create a life you love as you move on from your ex.
- For instance, you might want to buy a home, build your career, and take your dream vacation.
- Similarly, you might realize that you want to add more creativity to your life or that you want to move to a different area.
Community Q&A
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QuestionDo I need my ex back after he hurt me twice?
Community AnswerNope. Unless he's working hard in therapy to understand and overcome the reason(s) he hurt you the first two times, he will likely only hurt you a third time if you get back together.
Warnings
- Don’t waste your energy trying to get back at your ex. The best revenge is creating a life you love and pursuing your own happiness!⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Make sure you do not use another person to make your ex jealous. It won’t work, and you may end up hurting both yourself and the other person.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Ignore all the rumors and things that might be going around about you and your ex. They are not worth your time.⧼thumbs_response⧽
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/is-your-brain-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201612/4-reasons-stay-out-contact-your-ex
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/7-mistakes-you-need-avoid-after-breakup
About This Article
If you’re struggling to get over your ex, focus on looking after yourself, finding ways to express your emotions, and getting rid of things that remind you of them. For example, treat yourself to nice things to help lift your spirits, like a special cup of coffee or a spa treatment. To distract yourself from the pain, choose an activity that helps you focus on the present, like a game night with friends. When you're ready, talk about your feelings with a close friend or family member you can trust, since sharing your emotions can help you manage them. Additionally, think about your ex’s bad qualities to help you realize that your relationship wasn’t meant to be. Physical signs of your ex, like photos or gifts, will only keep you living in the past, so throw them out or pack them away so they’re out of sight. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to maintain good relationships with your friends while you’re going through a break-up, read on!
