How to Love Yourself After a Long Battle in an Abusive Relationship

Last Updated: February 18, 2023 References Approved

The decision to leave is not an easy one to make, but it might have been one of the most important decisions you've ever made. You're very courageous for having made it this far, but a high percentage of abusive relationships can drag on much longer than the first break-up. Don't let it happen. Learn to stay on course and begin the process of healing physically and emotionally to avoid slipping back into an abusive situation. Learn to help yourself.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Beginning to Heal

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Congratulate yourself. You may still feel helpless and overwhelmed, but take a minute to feel pride that you are doing something about improving your life. The biggest step is over, and you freed yourself from the grips of an abusive relationship. You will be busy trying to figure out how to start your life on a different path and begin the process of emotional healing, but it's important to take a moment to appreciate your own strength. You did it. You're free.
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Treat yourself.^{[1]
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Research source} Do some things that you enjoy, both little and big, to get the healing process started. Give yourself a break. Whether it's a hot bath, a TV binge, or a long vacation, it's important to allow yourself little extras and big rewards during this healing process.
- Especially indulge everything your abuser forbade for no good reason. You really can put your favorite music on and dance to it while you clean up, laugh at your favorite comedian, and enjoy eating the foods your abuser hated. Reclaim those small joys in life, one by one, for yourself.^{[2]
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3
Avoid all contact with your abuser. Gaining emotional strength may be a long road, and your abuser will likely try to win you back. It's important to eliminate contact with this individual regardless of how charming or apologetic the actions and words seem to be. Allow yourself the opportunity to heal and pull yourself away from your abuser's manipulative spell completely.^{[3]
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- Well-meaning friends and family, possibly unaware of how bad your situation was, may try to convince you that you should stay with the abuser. Ignore this advice. You don't need to return to a physically or emotionally abusive relationship "for the kids" or because your partner "is going through something."
- Whatever you do to help the healing process move along, don't go back. It only gets worse. You only get one life, do not chance losing it because you think that person will change.
4
Get plenty of sleep. The early signs of serious anxiety and stress-related depression are all made worse with poor diet, lack of exercise, and sleeplessness. These factors can start to cycle and spiral downward, making it very hard to start the healing process. You're likely exhausted and you need to get plenty of rest. Sleep as late as it seems like you need to.
- Try to move your work schedule around some, if you can, to make sure you're getting enough sleep. See if anyone could switch shifts with you to go on to a later shift, so you don't need to get up. Better yet, consider taking some time off work and resting up, healing your body and your mind.
5
Find a support group. Talking to and learning from other abuse sufferers can be an important step in your recovery. It's recommended that all survivors or domestic violence reach out and talk in a safe and accepting environment to help learn the skills to cope and to move on.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source} To find a support group in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
- It is natural for us to want companionship and love, especially during times of transition. Surround yourself with friends, animals, or new experiences, as opposed to responding to any offers that may be made by the abuser. Don't go back when you want companionship, find it elsewhere.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Gaining Confidence

1
Forgive yourself. The abuse that you endured was not your fault, and there is never any justification for abuse, emotional or physical. All people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It's important to let go of feelings of guilt you may be experiencing as a result of ending this relationship, and let your healing continue.^{[5]
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- Write down a list of people in your life who make you feel good about yourself and who'll be willing to talk to you when you're struggling through something. If you feel like going back to your abuser, or if you feel yourself cycling down into feelings of negativity and guilt, call up your friend for a coffee or a quick chat.
2
Exorcise the abusive comments. Write down all the abuser's criticisms that haunt you and cause you to keep undervaluing yourself. Get them out. Don't worry about trying to reason with them, refute them, or disagree with them. They're not even worthy of that. Instead, take the paper and burn it over a candle, or tear it up and flush it down the toilet. Destroy those negative comments, as a ritual. Let them go and never think of them again.
- It's very important to stop obsessing over the negativity and the content of the emotional abuse that you endured. Don't argue with the criticism, or with the abuser.^{[6]
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  Research source} Don't worry about refuting the criticisms, because it was never worth listening to in the first place. It's beneath you.
3
Collect positive counterweights. You may feel as if you were abused because you are unattractive, uninteresting or unworthy, but this is not true. You were abused because somebody cruel chose to treat you badly.
- Right now, write down a list of times in your life that you felt confident, satisfied, and happy. What are your biggest successes? What have you done right?
- Whenever you find yourself feeling unworthy because of the false messages your abuser gave you, use your lists of positive memories to counteract your negative feelings.
- At this stage, you have to actively remind yourself that you do have lots of good qualities and you do deserve to be treated properly.
4
Use a mantra. Mantras are little reminders, like tokens, talismans, or good luck charms made of language. When you're struggling with self-doubt or disappointment, many people find solace in chanting a self-improvement mantra to comfort and calm. Prayers, aphorisms, and song lyrics are all great mantras. It doesn't need to be more complicated than, "I'm good enough."^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
- Find an idea that comforts you personally and that is worded in a short sentence you can memorize. "Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change" is a common mantra.
- Focusing on one thing and repeating the words is usually enough to help many people calm down and find an inner peace for a few moments. Even if you chant, "Hey, ho, rock and roll, deliver me from nowhere" it can work.
5
Seek counseling if necessary. Professional abuse counseling can help you process the whirlwind of emotions produced by your tumultuous relationship. Talking with friends is helpful, but it's important to have someone who is completely non-biased. Someone who has no emotional ties to you or your abuser. Many areas have abuse counseling or shelters available at little or no charge.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
Go to source}
6
Reach out when you're feeling low. Seek support groups for people who shared your situation. Again, you need to talk to people who've been when you've been and who understand, to help you rebuild who you are. Make friends within these groups, and go out doing things you enjoy.
- It's also important to spend time just socializing normally. Try to move on as much as possible.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding Peace

1
Be patient with yourself. Abusers chip away at their victims' self-respect and self-image. It will take time to repair and rebuild the damage from the abuse, so be gentle with yourself, and don't expect it to happen all at once.
- It might be necessary to take some time off from work and other responsibilities to get a clear head. How long? A week? A month? Who knows. Move through the process at your own speed.
2
Rediscover your favorite things. One by one, explore activities and interests that your abuser shut down by telling you that you were no good at them. Chances are, those are exactly the things that you shine in, the things that make you feel good about yourself. Even personal choices like what to eat, or how to arrange your clothes, are things you can indulge yourself in, and appreciate having them without fear or conflict.^{[9]
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- How were you held back by your abuser? Was your desire for more responsibility at work mocked? Do you want to go back to school? Are you interested in a career change? Explore the possibilities and dreams that were shut down as a result of your relationship.
3
Form new goals. Start moving forward with your life by setting manageable goals for yourself to improve in some area, and meeting those goals regularly. Whether career, health, or happiness goals, it's important to keep focused on satisfying yourself and living your own life. Set yourself a major and a minor goal, and then replace them with new ones when you satisfy each.
- A major goal might be saving enough money to go on a big vacation you've always wanted to go on, while a minor goal might be exercising three times each week, or reading a new novel each week. When you satisfy your improvement goal, set a new one and keep up with the old one. Gradually improve yourself and find new purpose.
- Make sure your goals are realistic. A good goal is something that you can actually measure and accomplish, not something abstract like, "My goal is to be happy" or "My goal is to be better."
4
Gain new experiences. Start replacing your toxic memories of the past with joyful new memories and new experiences. Make your old abusive relationship seem distant by spending lots of time with new people, visiting new places, and never looking back except to heal.
- Avoid locations, neighborhoods, and businesses that you used to frequent, even if you live in the same town as your abuser. Find new grocery stories, restaurants, and places to hang out. Move, if necessary.
- Start dating again, when you're ready. This can take a long time for many people to feel comfortable enough in their own skin to trust another, so take your time and wait until you find someone worth it.^{[10]
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5
Listen to yourself. Abusers can drag down your confidence and ruin your ability to control your own life. No one else is in charge of your life but you. You don't have anything to prove to anyone but yourself. You don't have to live to satisfy anyone but yourself. Listen to your heart and take joy in making your own decisions.

Warnings

Take any threats that your abuser makes seriously. The most dangerous time of an abusive relationship is at the end. Do not hesitate to call the police, if necessary, and always have a back-up plan ready to implement.

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If necessary, file a restraining order against your abuser.

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The police encourage you to request a 'civil standby' in order to retrieve your belongings when you move out. This is particularly helpful in any abusive situation but alleging abuse is not necessary to request this kind of police escort. Often the presence of a police officer prevents any confrontation and the officer is there to protect you. To request this simply call any police department and ask.^{[11]
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