How to Know if You're a Good Kisser

Co-authored by Maya Diamond, MA

Everyone wants to be a good kisser, but it’s often hard to tell if you really are one. Unless your partner is brutally honest and tells you straight up that you’re bad at it, they’ll most likely keep it themselves to protect your feelings. This means you have to learn how to read their actions in the middle of a liplock. At the same time, you also need to be able to step back and read the situation as a whole in order to tell if the problem is you or something else. If the problem is you, don’t worry; there are plenty of things you can do to improve your technique.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Reading Your Partner

1
See if they match your kiss. Remember: there are many different ways to kiss someone, from a light smooch on the lips to some heavy tongue action. See if your partner returns the same sort of kiss. If not, take this as a possible sign that they’re not enjoying what you’re trying to do. Take their lead instead and kiss them the same way they’re kissing you back. For instance:^{[1]
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- Say you’re going for a heavy French kiss, but they’re keeping their lips sealed tight. This could mean they don’t want to French kiss at all. But it could also mean that you’re coming on too fast. Either way, ease up. Just enjoy the light smooching for now and see if things build up from there.
2
Check what they’re doing with the rest of their body. If you want to know if your partner is enjoying this, don’t just focus on their lips. Pay attention to what they’re doing with their hands, feet, and everything in between. If they’re into it, the rest of their body should want to come into closer contact with you, possibly by:^{[2]
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- Stepping toe-to-toe to with you.
- Leaning their body into you.
- Holding you close with their hands and arms.
- Running their hands up and down your back.
- Gripping you tightly or even massaging you a little.
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3
Treat compliments as a good sign. Obviously, if they break from your kiss to tell you how great you are at doing it, then that’s a no-brainer. But even if they don't say that exactly, treat other positive statements as a good sign. Good kissing ignites passion, so consider yourself a success if they pause to tell you things like:^{[3]
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- How much they’ve been thinking of you while you’re apart.
- How they really like (as in like-like) or flat-out love you.
- How hot, handsome, or beautiful you are.
4
See how quickly they recover from mishaps. Expect everyone (from first-time kissers to seasoned pros) to suffer some sort of dumb accident in the middle of a kiss. So don’t freak out if you step on their toes or smack your eyeglasses together by mistake. Instead, take it as an opportunity to see how eager your partner is to start kissing again.^{[4]
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- If they just laugh at themselves and go right back to it (or don’t even seem to notice and go right back to kissing), you’re probably golden.
- If they seem oddly frustrated and out of sorts, they may not have been having a good time to begin with.
5
Check how long they stick to just kissing. Obviously, don’t kill the mood by starting a stopwatch as soon as your lips meet. But make a note of just how long they’re willing to do no more than just kiss (even if you’re hoping for this to lead to some heavier action). If they seem to be enjoying themselves without feeling a need to rush into more heavy stuff, take that to mean that you’re doing just fine.^{[5]
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- Of course, it’s not always a bad sign if they seem impatient to kick things up a notch. But if that’s always the case, this might mean that your kissing could use some work.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Reading the Situation

1
Ask yourself if they seem distracted. Expect a good kiss to consume all of your partner’s attention. If their mind is elsewhere, this could be a sign that your kisses are off the mark, but don’t beat yourself up about it just yet. There could be other reasons for their distraction, so just ease off for now and think about the situation as a whole. Figure out if they seem out of it just because of what’s going on around you.^{[6]
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- Remember this works both ways, though. Keeping an eye peeked open to watch what they're doing may make them think that you're not that into it. Just focus on what you’re doing. If their mind is elsewhere, you’ll sense it.
2
Remember who your partner is. Unless you suffer from short-term amnesia, this might sound like dumb advice. But keep in mind that everyone is different, with their own personal tastes and styles. Even if your last partner loved every single thing about the way you kissed them, don’t expect your next partner to think the same. Treat each new partner as a brand-new learning experience by:^{[7]
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- Trying different speeds, styles, and pressure with your lips and tongue.
- Reading the way your partner to responds to each one.
- Focusing on what they seem to like the most.
3
Take the setting into account. Remember that your environment can make or break your partner’s mood, even if they think you’re an amazing kisser. Before you start second-guessing your skills, take a step back and consider where you are if your partner seems less than into it. Of course, everyone’s different, so they will have their own turn-offs, but obvious ones could be:^{[8]
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- A lack of romance or privacy.
- Uncomfortable furniture or positions.
- Freezing-cold, boiling-hot, or just plain yucky weather.
4
Find out what’s going on in their life. Remember: you could be the best kisser in the world, but other stuff could be weighing on their mind. If they seem unresponsive, gently ask if anything’s troubling them. If the answer’s yes, ask if they want to talk about it. Put your self-doubt at ease by finding out the real reason behind their lack of enthusiasm. Say something like:^{[9]
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- "You seem a little out of it. Is everything okay?"
- "If you're not in the mood, that's alright. We can just talk if something's on your mind."
5
Test your skills with goodbye kisses. If you’re still unsure of whether your partner is really enjoying your kissing or just putting up with it, use your goodbyes as a test. When you part ways, end your goodbye by drawing them into a serious kiss. See how willing they are to linger and enjoy it.^{[10]
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- If they break it off as quickly as possible (or refuse to engage in anything more than a quick peck), they might think you need to do some work.
- If they let it last as long as you want (or as they long as they can before their bus or train or flight departs), then you’re most likely set.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Improving Your Skills

1
Start slow and easy. Keep in mind that some people enjoy a lot of hot and heavy kissing, while other people enjoy it only in certain situations. Then again, some people like to keep it light and soft all the time. So play it safe and always start light. Then, as you slowly crank up the passion, pay attention to how they respond. Depending on their reaction:^{[11]
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- Keep raising the intensity and seeing how they react.
- Settle back down if they seem overwhelmed. Try again a little while later to see if they just need to warm up to it.
- Stick to light kisses if they seem always seem turned off by more hot-and-heavy action.
2
Keep it varied. Once you know what they like, don’t stick to doing the same thing all the time. Even though they might prefer like one way of kissing more than others, expect them to get bored if that's all you ever do. Switch things up every now and then to keep them on their toes. Of course, everyone has their own likes and dislikes, so not all of these may work, but you could try:^{[12]
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- Teasing them by holding back until they beg for more.
- Moving from their mouth to their neck, ears, or elsewhere.
- Biting their bottom lip very gently.
3
Avoid excess. Remember: a little goes a long way when it comes to some styles of kissing. Keep in mind that the little variations that you throw in to spice things up can become turn-offs if you overdo them. Even if your partner enjoys them initially, adopt a “less-is-more” approach when it comes to things like:
- Forceful tongue action
- Hickies
- Nibbling
- Saliva
- Ear play
4
Make your mouth appealing. Remember that your kissing could be flawless, but the state of your mouth and lips could turn your partner off despite this. Practice good dental hygiene. Be mindful of how you apply lipstick. Do things like:^{[13]
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- Regularly brushing, flossing, and rinsing your mouth in general.
- Making a point of doing the same right before a date.
- Being careful of what you eat, drink, or smoke on a date.
- Applying lip balm to chapped lips.^{[14]
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- Applying lipstick lightly or nixing it altogether.
5
Communicate and practice. If your partner seems unresponsive, ask them what you could do to improve. Show your confidence by being open to suggestions. At the same time, demonstrate that you’re main goal here is to please them, not protect your pride.This is important because the only way to improve is to keep on kissing! Just say something like:^{[15]
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- "You can tell me if you don't like something. I just want to make you happy."
- "Is there anything you like that I'm not doing?"

Expert Q&A

Question

What does a good kiss feel like?

Maya Diamond, MA
Relationship Coach
Maya Diamond is a Dating and Relationship Coach in Berkeley, CA. She has 13 years of experience helping singles stuck in frustrating dating patterns find internal security, heal their past, and create healthy, loving, and lasting partnerships. She received her Master's in Somatic Psychology from the California Institute of Integral Studies in 2009.

Maya Diamond, MA

Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

Try to attune to the other person while you're kissing them so there's a feeling of connection. Open your mouth, and move your head while you're kissing. Also, you can move your tongue in different ways. However, avoid aggressive kissing, like pushing your tongue too far into the other person's mouth. That can be really overwhelming.