How to Know if She's Right for You

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: December 8, 2022 References

There are few more enjoyable feelings than finding a woman who complements you perfectly. When you do, you might find yourself feeling happy and smiling even when she's not around. But knowing if she is right for you isn't always easy. The best thing to remember is to trust yourself. If you feel happy, comfortable, and safe in her arms, then you probably are. However, there are some things that you can consider to determine if she is really right for you.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Knowing if She is "The One"

1
Evaluate your long-term goals, both personally and as a couple. Marriage or long-term commitment affects more than your love life. It is a financial and physical union, requiring compromise and sacrifice in order for both people feel happy and fulfilled. You want to talk about the future together: as a "we," not as an "I" to be sure this is the right on for you. Some questions to ask include:^{[1]
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Expert Source

John Keegan
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 8 April 2021.}
- Where do you plan to be in the next 5 years? Is she in that plan?
- Have you shared your goals and dreams with each other? Does she support yours, and do you support hers?
2
Think about the things you can and cannot talk to her about. Communication is the foundation, flooring, and soil of a strong relationship, and you should be able to talk about almost anything with your potential life partner. Feeling like you're holding back parts of your past, your desires, or your concerns will only lead to festering issues and arguments that will, in time, explode. If you are going to share the rest of your life with someone, make sure you're actually sharing it.
- This doesn't mean she knows 100% of everything you've ever done. It just means that you feel comfortable sharing it if it were to come up.
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3
Make sure you're comfortable sitting in silence, or just relaxing together. When you're first meeting people, silences can be awkward and uncomfortable. But those quiet moments where you don't feel like you need to impress or entertain her are incredibly important for the health of a long-term relationship. If you can just exist together for a few moments, without goals, anxiety, or worry, then you're allowed to be yourself. Feeling like you can be both yourself and still with her is a sure sign she might be right for you.^{[2]
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- Try doing co-puttering activities, such as reading or watching TV in the same room.
- Make sure that you maintain your independence as well, such as by doing things on your own or with your friends.^{[3]
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4
Introduce her to other important people in your life. If you're unwilling to bring her around to meet those important to you, it is very unlikely that she's the right one for you. You should want to "show her off," not trying to hide her from other people in your life because you're afraid they will disapprove. If you can't wait for her to meet everyone, then chances are good she's a keeper.^{[4]
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- If your friends and family all don't like a person, chances are she isn't right for you. Remember that your friends know you well, and they're looking out for your happiness, too.^{[5]
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5
Look for a woman who helps you become better. Does she challenge you to get better, helping your along your path? Do you help and challenge her to be the best she can be too? The right couples see everything as a team, even if that just means providing encouraging words when you or her goes through tough times. Does she inspire you to go out less and work on that passion project? Does you get excited for her when she publishes a new article or poem? This sort of support is obvious when she is the right one for you.
- Ask yourself if you admire her. It is pretty important for couple to admire each-other. You need to like what she does and who she is in order to maintain a great relationship.
6
Note if you think about her when making decisions. She should be a major part of all of your major decisions, not an afterthought that you think will just go along with whatever you say. When offered an opportunity or making important choices, the right woman for you will naturally flicker into your mind. You make decisions and work together as a team naturally, becoming stronger and happier as a result.^{[6]
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7
Consider how she makes you feel. She's the right person if you feel happy, safe, and loved with her. At the end of the day, all of the other tips -- from communication to planning -- come from this simple feeling. If you feel comfortable in her presence, like there is nowhere you'd rather be, then you should stay with her. If you feel happy at the idea of spending a life with her, then pursue that life. And if you feel safe against problems, issues, or stress with her by your side, chances are good that you will be.^{[7]
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- Long relationships are never easy, but the right woman will feel like she is easy to be with. This open comfort is often the only clue you need to know she's right for you.
8
Note if you think about her when she isn't around. Though she may feel like the best and most obvious decision you've ever made, you should still take some time and space to think through this alone. Even if she is the right girl for you, it's a lot easier to go with the flow and feel happy when you're together. But a strong relationship usually means you're thinking about her all the time -- alone and together, at home and abroad. If you don't miss her when she's gone or feel the passion fade when you separate, then it is going to be difficult to live with her 24/7.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Discussing Long-Term Relationship Options

1
Know what you'd like out of the relationship and be upfront about it. Say you've been with her for a few months now and are ready to move in together. Don't try and beat around the bush, hoping she'll ask to move in or offer you a place -- be upfront and honest about your desires. Even if the first conversation is difficult or awkward, this will save you much harder discussions later on, you have little to gain by hiding your desires and relationship goals: if she agrees, you can figure out how to make it work, if she disagrees, then you saved several months of miscommunication and cross-talk.
- If you can't have this or the following intelligent, but difficult, discussions with her at all then you already have your answer-- she's not right for you.^{[8]
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2
Discuss your ideas about money, saving, and bill-paying. If you're going to be moving in together, taking things to the next level, or getting married, then you need to talk about money as soon as possible. Few things get between couples so completely as unresolved money issues, and it has more to do with if she's right for you than many other trivial facts like star signs and siblings. Discuss:
- What would she do if she won the lottery? In other words, where does she prioritize spending?
- Would she rather, in general, spend money on a slightly better life now or save that money for a better retirement later?
- If you were down on your luck financially (fired, sick, lower-paying job, etc.), would she support you? Would you do the same thing for her?^{[9]
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3
Search for compromise or compatibility on your future together. If Ms. Right really wants to live near her family in the Southwest while you can't see yourself ever leaving NYC, you'll need to work out some form of compromise if things are going to work. Unfortunately, the right woman for you is not just a matter of personality but your careers, goals, and circumstances. Don't avoid them, especially if you're worried about these differences causing strife. If she's right for you, you'll find a way to work through these geographic differences in a way that is fair and enjoyable for both of you.
- How important is it to life close to her family? To yours?
- Are there places she must be for her career? Are there places you must be for yours?
4
Work together on strong sexual chemistry and compatibility. Sex is important in a long, committed relationship -- not just having it, but having it equitably and happily. Talking about your sex life is difficult, but there are few marriage counselors who don't point towards its importance. Finding compatible sex lives is mostly about how frequently you'd like it, how comfortable you are with kink and adventurous sex (including if it is important to one of both of you), and how to find compromise where you don't match up.
- How often would you like to have sex?
- Are you willing to try new things, or do you like to keep things romantic and simple?
- If your sex drives don't match up, how can you make sure you're both happy?^{[10]
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5
Talk about major life events. There are a thousand different choices that face couples, and you'll never be able to discuss all of them before they happen. But there are some major moments to consider before jumping into a committed, long-term relationship with someone, avoiding these major potential conflicts before they can blow up:
- Do you both want kids? If so, how many?
- Do you see yourself getting married at some point and "settling down," or is that still too far in the future? Does this line up with her?
- If a parent gets sick or needs support, are you okay with supporting them or having them move in?
6
Consider seeing a marriage counselor. Marriage counselors are not just for when you are having problems in a relationship. If you are still not sure if you want a long term relationship with your girlfriend, then a marriage counselor can help you and your girlfriend to assess different areas of compatibility. This might be a helpful way to find out if you are both on the same page about major life decisions, such as careers, kids, and other goals.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Knowing To Ask Her Out

1
Consider why you're in the dating game. You can't know if a woman is right for you if you don't know what she is right for. People date for a variety of reasons, and it almost always goes over more smoothly when you find people with similar dating goals. Are you looking for someone fun but low-key, or are you searching for the special someone to live the rest of your life with? You could even be in the middle, staying open minded and just hoping to meet someone fun-- but you should think about it first to help find the right girl for you.
2
Ask yourself what you want in a partner to be happy. Have you always thought that the right girl has to be intelligent? Has to like dogs? Has to have brown hair? While no woman is perfect, there are some things that just feel important to you in a significant other. The more of these things your potential date matches up to, the more you should take the risk and ask her out.
- Ask yourself about the "big picture" things, not the small facts: would she ever go camping or does she need to love the city,? Does she spend money freely or save frequently? Are their hobbies you feel like your special someone must share with you?
- Don't think of this so much as a checklist for women to reach as much as a map to help your find people you're compatible with.
3
Get to know her as a friend before asking her out. This doesn't mean you need to spend months courting someone before asking them on a date. Rather, it means to get past the surface with some pleasant conversation before paying for dinner. If you can't strike up a conversation with her, she probably won't be a fun date, so this is your chance to see how compatible you really are. ]
- It is important for you to admire and respect her and off course like her for who she is. And if she is the one you used to dream about when you were a little boy then you are good to go.
4
Look for compatibility rather than similarity. This is a classic dating "mistake:" confusing similar interests and ideas for chemistry or compatibility. Think about it -- there are plenty of people you've met at work, school, on sports teams, etc. who share many similar interests as you, but who you profoundly don't get along with. While having shared interest is important, feeling compatible is far more enjoyable. While compatibility takes more than a date to determine, some important things to look for include:
- Accepting and openness to your hobbies/interests that you don't share.
- Willingness to try new things with you, or learn about your interests/hobbies.
- Does not try to convince you that they are "right," and accepts differing viewpoints.
- You feel comfortable being yourself, not trying to think of the "perfect" thing each time.^{[11]
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5
Trust your own judgement and take the plunge. When determining whether or not to ask a girl out, never forget that this is a low-risk, high-reward game. If she says no, then you both move on about your lives with only a brief moment of awkwardness. If she says yes, then you both get the exciting beginning of a new relationship.
- A date should not be well-researched and "perfect." That's what the date is for -- seeing if she actually is the right one moving forward.

Warnings

These steps work best if you have been in a relationship for a while and your BOTH considering taking the next step. This isn't a one-person deal.

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