11 Classic Ways Cheaters React When Confronted

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: October 15, 2022 References

If you suspect that your partner is cheating and you’re considering confronting them, you might wonder what they’ll do—and if their reaction will give you the clues you’re looking for. Since everyone is different, there are a variety of ways they might respond. In this article, we’ll go over a few of the most common ways that cheaters react when confronted.

1

Cheaters may lie or deny what happened.

Lying is a common reaction to accusations of cheating. An unfaithful partner may completely deny what happened, or they may lie about specific details, such as how long the affair went on or whether it’s still happening. They might also say things to make you doubt yourself, like “You’re just being paranoid,” or “That’s crazy, why would you think that?” This form of deception is called “gaslighting.”^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Spotting the difference between a lie and an honest denial can be tricky. If you don’t have strong evidence that your partner cheated, you may need to look for other signs that they’re lying.
- Someone who is lying or hiding something might fidget, sweat, turn pale, or speak in a higher voice than usual. They might also either look away or make stronger, more prolonged eye contact than normal when talking to you.^{[2]
  X
  Research source}

2

They may find ways to avoid the topic.

Some cheaters deflect or change the subject. Rather than answering your questions, they might fire back with a question or accusation of their own, or start an argument about an unrelated issue.^{[3]
X
Research source} This tactic is a form of stonewalling (when someone refuses to communicate with their significant other in order to avoid dealing with conflict).^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For example, they may say something like, “Why can’t you just let me have a nice weekend? You’re always trying to pick fights.”

3

Some cheaters get angry when confronted.

When someone is feeling defensive, they may lash out. Don’t be surprised if they raise their voice, snap at you, or look irritated when you bring up the issue.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} In fact, people who are being unfaithful to their partners often act unusually irritable or look for excuses to pick fights, even when you’re not directly confronting them about what’s going on.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if you confront them, they might say something like, “I already told you nothing happened, so stop asking!” Or, “I can’t believe you’d say something like that! What’s wrong with you?”

4

Many cheaters try to blame their partners.

This is a common tactic when a cheater gets caught. It can be truly shocking to have your significant other admit to having an affair—only to turn around and blame the whole thing on you. But it’s not unusual for people to shift the blame to their partners in order to justify what they did and reduce their own feelings of guilt.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- For instance, they might say something like, “Well, if you weren’t so distant all the time, I wouldn’t have done it.” Or, “I only did it because our sex life has been so dull lately.”
- They might also try to blame the person they had an affair with. For example, “He kept coming onto me. It was just too hard to resist.”

5

Cheaters often make excuses.

Excuses help cheaters rationalize their behavior. Studies show that people who cheat use a variety of mental “tricks” to help them feel better about their behavior.^{[8]
X
Research source} One common tactic is to make up excuses. Just like shifting the blame, this is a way for the unfaithful person to avoid taking full responsibility for their actions.^{[9]
X
Research source} Common excuses might include things like:
- “It’s just something guys do. We can’t help it.”
- “I don’t know what came over me. I think it’s all the stress I’ve been under at school, I’m just not myself.”
- “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”

6

They may try to make the cheating sound less serious.

This is another way that cheaters deal with guilt. Minimizing is similar to making excuses. While an unfaithful romantic partner might admit what they did, they may then look for ways to make the cheating sound less serious than it actually was.^{[10]
X
Research source} For instance, they might say things like,
- “It was just sex. It didn’t really mean anything.”
- “It only happened a couple of times.”
- “I don’t actually love her, so it doesn’t count.”
- “That happened a long time ago.”

7

Sometimes cheaters play the victim card.

They may act hurt, even if they admit to cheating. It’s natural for someone who’s had an affair to feel sad or remorseful about what happened.^{[11]
X
Research source} However, some cheaters will take it a step further and try to make their partner feel sorry for them, or even try to make their significant other feel guilty for being upset.^{[12]
X
Research source} For instance, they might say things like:
- “Why won’t you stop punishing me? I already feel terrible about what happened.”
- “You’re making me feel so bad about myself, like I’m a monster or something.”
- “All I can say is ‘I’m sorry,’ but I guess that’s never going to be good enough.”

8

The cheater may accuse you of cheating.

This reaction can be especially frustrating. Turning the tables is a common form of deflection among cheaters. When you confront them, they may try to claim that you’re the one who’s been unfaithful—even if they have no evidence at all to back it up.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- For example, they might say things like, “Well, what about all the time you spend texting your coworker? Maybe I’m the one who should be worried.”

9

They might confess or apologize.

Cheaters sometimes come clean when you confront them. This is more likely if you have strong evidence of the affair, but they might also fess up simply because they feel bad.^{[14]
X
Research source} If your partner does confess, pay close attention to how they behave after that. Did they offer a sincere apology? Do you see evidence that they’re willing to change?
- In some cases, your partner may take the confession as an opportunity to admit that they’re unhappy in the relationship and want to move on. However, this isn’t always the case. They may also ask for a chance to make amends and continue the relationship.
- If they apologize, ask yourself whether the apology seems sincere. In a sincere apology, the person apologizing takes full responsibility for what they did and offers to try to make things right.^{[15]
  X
  Research source}

10

Stay calm when confronting them.

They’re more likely to open up if they don’t feel threatened. Unfortunately, there’s no guaranteed way to get someone to confess to cheating. They’ll be more likely to confess if you have clear evidence of what happened and you’re able to stay calm when you confront them.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Try saying things like, “I believe this is a problem we can fix together, but it’s important that we be honest with each other. Please tell me what happened.”
- Avoid making accusations that put them on the defensive, or focusing on the possible consequences of their actions. They’re less likely to confess if they’re worried about what will happen if they tell the truth.

11

Take time to decide what to do next.

There are no easy answers when someone cheats. Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful can be incredibly difficult. You might want to end the relationship, or you might want to try to make things work. Either way, it’s okay if you don’t know what to do right away. Give yourself time and space to think things over and decide what feels right to you.^{[17]
X
Research source}
- Sometimes it’s a good idea to take a break from the relationship while you decide what to do next.
- If they admit what happened and give you a sincere apology, that’s a good sign that the relationship can be repaired. On the other hand, if they lash out or try to blame you, then it may be time to move on.

Expert Q&A

Question

How would an innocent person react when accused of cheating?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

They would probably feel concerned and worried. It's very possible that the person wants to understand why their partner is curious if they're having an affair. As the accused, they would want to make their partner feel better.
Question

How can you tell if someone is guilty of cheating?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

The only surefire way is to get them on the act or get a confession. That said, there are a couple of signs that can point to cheating, such as taking their phone with them everywhere and locking it behind a password. Sudden changes in behavior are usually another telltale sign.