How to Handle Resentment Against Someone

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: March 1, 2022 References

There are a lot of reasons you might resent someone—they might have hurt you in the past, you might feel like they take advantage of you, or you might feel envious that they have some of the things you want in life. However, holding on to anger and resentment towards someone else can really start to eat away at you. Luckily, if you're willing to put in the work, you can start to process those feelings in a way that's healthier for you, and you may even find that you're able to accept the past and forgive the other person.

1

Accept and feel your emotions.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings instead of ignoring them. When you're dealing with negative emotions like anger, rejection, disappointment, jealousy, or hurt, give yourself permission to really feel them. Trying to push those feelings down will cause them to build up inside of you—and ultimately, that's what leads to feelings of resentment. When you let yourself experience those feelings, on the other hand, it's easier to release them afterward.^{[1]
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- How would you label what you’re feeling? Try to say it outloud. For instance, “I feel really upset/sad/angry about what he said.”^{[2]
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- Don't judge your feelings or worry about whether your feelings are "right" or "wrong"—just acknowledge that they're there, for now.^{[3]
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- If you've been pushing your feelings down for a long time, don't be surprised if you find them coming to the surface when you start trying to get to the root of your resentment. Be compassionate with yourself throughout the process!

2

Ask yourself what's behind your resentment.

What exactly made you feel this way and why? Sometimes the cause of your resentment might be obvious, like if the other person clearly hurt you in the past. Other times it's a little harder to figure out what's really bothering you—your resentment might have built up over a long period, or you might resent someone because they have something that you want. It's important to get down to the real issue before you can start to work through it.^{[4]
X
Research source} Check out these questions to figure out where the resentment is coming from:
- When did these feelings of resentment start?
- Was there one event or several that caused you to feel this way?
- Are your feelings directed at one person, like your partner, or to several people, like your parents or family?
- If you find yourself resenting your partner because they never help with the dishes, the deeper issue might be that you feel overwhelmed and unappreciated.^{[5]
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- Sometimes the other person might have inadvertently triggered an insecurity or a complex that you already had.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} If you feel resentment towards your friend because of their great family, maybe you're struggling because your relationship with your parents is difficult.

3

Make a plan of action for the future.

Sometimes, how you handle a situation can add to your resentment. For instance, you might feel like you should have spoken up for yourself if someone put you down or didn't support you. Instead of kicking yourself for what you didn't do, make a plan for how you can deal with situations like that in the future. Not only will this help you avoid more resentment later on, but taking a proactive approach might help you let go of some of the feelings you're holding onto now.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If you feel like you should have spoken up for yourself in the moment, practice how you can do that next time the person oversteps their bounds.
- If your resentful feelings are based on envy, work on coming to terms with what you feel is lacking in your life, and try to be happy for others instead of being jealous.^{[8]
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4

Stop your negative thoughts in their tracks.

Interrupt the thoughts when old situations replay in your head. Since resentment is usually based on past experiences, it's normal to find yourself thinking about old hurts over and over again. If you find that happening, remind yourself to focus on something else, like whatever is happening in the present or something you could do to avoid that situation in the future. It can be really tough to change your thinking patterns, especially in the moment, but keep trying—it gets easier with practice.^{[9]
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- Try to distract yourself by getting involved in an activity when you notice those thoughts come up—try calling a friend, going for a walk, or working on a difficult puzzle.

5

Write down your feelings.

Vent in a letter or a journal to express your resentment. Writing is a great way to organize your thoughts, and it can really help you get to the root of your resentment. Don't worry about getting things down in any perfect order—just jot down your thoughts as they come to you. Write about why you resent someone, how it's affecting you today, and any experiences in your past that make this particularly hurtful.^{[10]
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- As you're writing, it can help to try to imagine the situation from the other person's perspective, as well—do you think they intended to hurt you, or do you think they're just insensitive? Or maybe you'll discover that they're not to blame at all, but something from your past is causing you to resent them anyway.^{[11]
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6

Talk to someone about how you're feeling.

Reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Open up about your resentment—talk about how it made you feel and why it's still bothering you. Not only will you feel better once you get your feelings off your chest, but talking it out might help you see the situation in a different light. The person you're talking to might be able to give you some valuable insight, as well.^{[12]
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- For instance, you might realize while you're talking that you need to be more assertive in telling your partner your needs, or your friend might be able to help you brainstorm a solution for how to improve your career so you stop resenting your sister's success.

7

Find healthy ways to release your emotions.

Dive into a hobby or activity that helps you feel better. While it's really important to let yourself feel your emotions, it's also helpful to let go of them after you do that. That way, they don't build up and turn into long-term resentment. Luckily, there are a lot of different ways you can get an emotional release. Everybody has different ways of coping, so don't worry if it takes a little trial and error to find what works for you. Here are a few ideas:^{[13]
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- Exercise: walk, run, go for a hike, or play a sport you enjoy
- Physical relaxation: intentional breathing, yoga, or progressive relaxation
- Prayer or meditation
- Social activism (especially if your resentment is on a broader scale)

8

Talk to the person if there's something they can change.

Be clear and direct when you make your request. If the other person is doing something that you'd like them to stop, or not doing something that you wish they would, it may help if you tell them. Use "I" statements to talk about your feelings, then end with a clear, specific statement about what you'd like from them in the future.^{[14]
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- If your partner is spending more time with their friends than with you, you might say, "I feel lonely and I miss feeling like a priority. I'd really like to set aside one night a week that's just for us."
- You might also need to work on speaking more assertively when someone isn't respecting your boundaries, like if your boss is undermining you at work.^{[15]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Cleveland Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}
- If the person starts treating you better after the conversation, you'll probably be able to let go of some of your resentment. If they don't, it may be a sign that you'd be better off keeping your distance from them in the future.

9

Have realistic expectations about the other person.

Try to see them as they are, instead of who you want them to be. It's normal to have certain expectations of the people in our lives. Unfortunately, though, people don't always live up to those expectations, and that can lead to resentment. If you find that happening, you might need to shift how you see the other person—ask yourself whether you have an idea of how you want them to be in your head, instead of just accepting them for who they actually are.^{[16]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Instead of being disappointed that your partner didn't buy you a gift for your anniversary, remind yourself of other ways they show you that they care. For instance, maybe they always make sure your laundry is ready for work, or maybe they're always there when you need someone to talk to.
- It may also help to tell the person directly what you'd like, but be patient—it can take time for someone to change, if it happens at all.

10

Forgive the other person if they've done something to hurt you.

This can be really hard, but you can do it. Holding on to grudges prevents you from healing and growing, so your resentment is just going to build over time. On the other hand, forgiveness allows you to release your resentment and any other negative feelings you've been holding onto. It's not always easy, but softening your heart toward the other person and letting go of that resentment is the only way that you can fully heal.^{[17]
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- Do something symbolic to mark the act of forgiveness, like writing the person a letter and tearing it up. You might also look at the person and think or say, "I forgive you."
- Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to keep the other person in your life—it's okay to let toxic relationships go if the other person isn't willing to change.

11

See a mental health professional if you need more help.

Talk to a therapist if you can't let go and forgive. There's a saying that's popular in 12-step programs: "Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." If you don't deal with that poison, it can lead you to become progressively more irritable, anxious, and depressed. It can even start to affect your other relationships. A licensed mental health professional can help you learn techniques to deal with these emotions so you can start to move on.^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}