How to Get a Girlfriend as a Nerd

People often think that nerds can't get girls but what they forget is that many nerds have the qualities that girls often look for: intelligence, passion, and a good work ethic. Girls are a lot more accepting of nerds and nerd/geek culture today than they were in the past. Learn to use your good qualities and overcome your bad ones to get girlfriends by reading the advice below.

Method 1
Method 1 of 5:

Making Yourself Irresistible

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    Act confident. You don’t have to be confident but you do have to act confident. This will make people, girls included, take you seriously. Also, as we discuss below, girls think confidence is super attractive. Why would she want to like you if you don’t like yourself very much?[1]
    • However, don’t be that guy that thinks he can do no wrong and that every word out of his mouth is a new book of the Bible. Admit when you’re wrong, always seek to improve yourself, and don’t act like you’re God’s gift to women. Don’t be a Captain Hammer. For that matter, try not to be a Doctor Horrible either.....at least with all the killing bits. That would be counter-productive.
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    Take care of yourself and your appearance. Don’t feed the stereotype of nerds not taking care of their bodies. Like self confidence, if you can’t care about yourself enough to take care of yourself, how are you supposed to take care of someone else? Wash your body and hair regularly, wear clean clothes (without holes!), and brush your teeth. No Bowser breath here![2]
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    Be an awesome person. Be a Nathan Drake. Be a Bruce Wayne. Be a Captain Picard. Be a guy who’s fun to be around, knows things, and makes the world and the people around him better because that's what girls really want.[3] You don’t have to be the smartest guy, but be knowledgeable about the world around you. Help people by volunteering your time and being there for everyone you know. And get out there and do things! Even if it’s just going to cons, you have got to get out and live your life, not just sit around all day.
    • If you want to do something awesome and show the world (and the ladies) how great nerds can be, do work with nerdy charities like Child’s Play. This will go to a good cause and show people that nerds contribute to society in impactful, wonderful ways.
    • If you really want to get a girlfriend, take a lesson from the Patrick Stewart School of Awesome and respect the heck out of women. It turns out they really like that.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 5:

Getting to Know a Girl

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    Meet new girls. If you want a girlfriend, you’re going to have to know some girls first. And unless you are a master of asking girls out, you’re probably going to need to befriend them before asking them out. There aren’t very many people, never mind girls who’ve dealt with a lifetime of harassment, that want to date someone they don’t know at least a little. Meet girls at school, while out doing activities (like going to the gym) or even at social events.[4]
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    Find nerdy girls. More than anything you’re going to want to try to find nerdy girls. This isn’t nearly so hard as it sounds. They do, in fact, exist! You can meet nerdy girls in many of the places you usually go: the comics shop, local conventions, video game tournaments, etc. Impress her with your Sonic Screwdriver collection and let her impress you with her serious pwnage in League of Legends.[5]
    • Go online to have an even easier time meeting nerdy girls. We suggest Tumblr. That’s a safe bet.
    • There is always the library. You are more likely to find more introverted, intelligent girls who like to read and study at the library than other places.
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    Find reasons to hang out. Once you’ve met some girls that you think might be nice, find reasons to hang out with them so you can get to know them better and so that they can get to know you. The more you hang out, the more comfortable you will be hanging out around this girl, and the more comfortable she’ll be hanging out with you.[6]
    • This is easy to do if they’re nerdy: start a DnD group, arrange a group to go to the arcade, or get a bunch of friends together to go to a midnight release.
    • If they’re not nerdy, you can still easily throw a party, go see movies, or do something accessible like playing board or card games (who doesn’t like Apples to Apples?).
    • Hang out in groups first. This will make both of you more comfortable, since you’ll be able to get to know each other and interact without feeling like you’re on a date.
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    Get to know her. Getting to know her will be very important. This shows her that you care about her and her feelings. It will give you things to talk about and ways for you to connect. Of course, getting to know her is going to mean talking and a lot of listening. Ask her about religion, politics, what she likes to do for fun, her family, where she grew up....and don’t be critical or demeaning about her answers! Respect her opinion and ideas. She’ll like that.
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    Find things you have in common. If she’s nerdy, explore your nerdery together to find fandoms and activities you have in common. If she’s not nerdy, find ways that you can introduce her to nerdy things she might enjoy. Don’t forget to also find enjoyment in the things that she likes, not just show her all the things that you enjoy. If she’s a girl worth dating, she’ll have good taste. Just trust her and let her be your guide on the road to new awesome things.[7]
    • Minecraft or the Sims are easy ways to introduce girls to video games. She probably already likes Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Twilight (so introduce her to other good fantasy books or movies). Webcomics might be a good way to ease her into comic reading (try Questionable Content, Anders Loves Maria, or Dumbing of Age). And as far as getting her into sci fi or nerdy shows, start with Firefly. If that doesn’t work, Doctor Who.
    • Don't feel like you have to convert her to full nerd. If she can be converted to full nerd, she'll do that on her own. Introducing her to nerdy things is more about giving you some basic ground to meet on. But you really do need to meet her halfway and find enjoyment in the things that she likes too.
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    Be a good friend. You worry about friend-zoning. We know. And that might happen. But becoming friends with a girl, showing her what a wonderful person you are and how much happier she’d be if she was with a guy like you, is the best way to find a girlfriend that you can be happy with for a long time.
    • Be a good friend by being supportive when she's having a hard day, helping her take her mind off of her problems, being available to her if she needs help, and listening when she needs to talk. Care about her feelings as much as you care about your own.
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    Don’t be a creeper. It’s cute when all Link can say in a conversation is “Hup Heh Yaahhh!” but it’s way less cute when you can’t get actual words out of your mouth. Speak! Talk to the girl. Don’t lurk in the corner, and definitely don’t spend all your time staring at her.
    • Also DON’T pull a Romeo and stalk her house, her Facebook, or any other “personal” space. That is not cool, will totally freak her out, and kill your chances with her.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 5:

Overcoming Shyness

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    Build your self-esteem. Build your self-esteem and confidence if you really want to be less shy. With good self-confidence and esteem, you will feel like you are a wonderful person who can have all of the awesome things you deserve. There are lots of ways to do this, from learning a new skill to volunteering for a good cause.[8]
    • Self confidence and self esteem are also very attractive qualities. Girls will fall head over heels for a guy that is confident in himself and his abilities. Just keep saying to yourself: I am Han Solo. I will get my Princess. And I totally shot first.
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    Imagine the worst thing that could possibly happen. One trick to overcoming shyness is to imagine the worst thing that could possible happen and ask yourself: would it really be the end of the world. It feels horrible to do things that scare us or experience things that go wrong, but you won’t die. In a few years, you probably won’t even remember it. With this is mind, try to let go in situations where you’re shy and just enjoy yourself.
    • Be ridiculous when you imagine these situations. The absurdity of the situation will make you laugh and feel much better. Don’t want to go talk to that girl over there? What’s the worst that could happen? Well, she could be a vampire. Not the sexy, Kristen Stewart kind but the kind that needs to cut up your corpse and use your blood to open a portal to Hell so that she can release her demon brethren to feed on all mankind. Do you really think that could happen? No. There is no way that girl is that terrifying. You’ll be fine.
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    Put yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable. As with so many things in life, practice is a great way to get good at anything. Practice being in social situations, like being around girls, and you’ll feel much more comfortable over time. Go places and do social things that make you feel uncomfortable, and with time you’ll learn that you get through the awkwardness and the discomfort and nothing bad happens to you.
    • Try to go to parties for example. And don't just be a fly on the wall! Get out and talk to people. To point is to practice and get comfortable spending time around girls.
    • You can also try the instant immersion method. Take a dance class or a yoga class. This will help you make female friends but it will also get you used to spending time with them very quickly. If any of your guy friends question your sexuality when you do this, point out that now you get to spend hours every week hanging out with girls in tight clothing.
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    Don’t compare yourself to others. Sometimes we feel shy because we feel like the people around us are better than us. We think they look better or talk better or act cooler and we don’t walk to talk or bring attention to ourselves because then people will realize that we’re funny-looking or boring or weird. But you are not those people....and they are not you. You are unique and cool and only you can offer the world the amazing things you have to offer.
    • For example, that jock guy that seems to get all the girls? Yeah, he's got unpleasant things about him too. Girls will realize this. Especially the ones worth being with. They will see that maybe he's more social or more handsome, but they'll also see that you're smarter or more stable. So don't compare yourself to him because eventually girls are going to want what you have, not what he has.
    • You could be the next Steve Jobs. You don't know. Don't doubt yourself or try to change yourself. You could be denying everyone the next iPad by trying to be someone else.
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Method 4
Method 4 of 5:

Asking Girls Out

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    Just ask. At the end of the day, the most important thing is to just ask a girl out. Don’t try to get around it or make it seem like something other than what it is. It’s terrifying and you’ll feel like you’re about to have a heart attack, but if you ask her straight and act confident, she’ll be much more likely to say yes.
    • Asking her out in-person, rather than through a text or email will earn you points. Unless your digital method is something really special and epic.
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    Ask in private, not it public. Asking her out somewhere private rather than somewhere public will make both of you feel more comfortable. You won’t be so afraid of being rejected in public and she won’t feel pressured into saying yes (believe us, that’s a good thing...she should feel like she has a choice).
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    Have a date idea before you ask her out. Don’ ask her out and then have nothing to suggest. This is poor planning and will make you look a little silly. You don’t have to have some brilliant plan for a first date but at least have something basic, like “go to a movie” or “get dinner at this awesome place”.
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    Ask out a non-nerdy girl. The key to asking out non-nerdy girls is to make them know that they are smart, worthwhile, and helpful. You don't want her to feel like you look down on her or only like her for her looks. That is often what scares girls away from dating. Don't rub it in their face if you are smarter (even if you are, pretend that you don't think or know that) and try to show her the ways that she makes you a better person.
    • Example 1:"So we've been hanging out a bit lately and I know we don't always understand each other, but I would really like to get to know you more. I know that band you like is going to be in town next month; why don't we get tickets and go see them?"
    • Example 2: "You know, I think you're really amazing. You're kind and smart and I really respect how hard you work to help others. I'd like the chance to see more of that side of you. What do you say? How about we drop by that animal shelter this weekend and see if they need a hand?"
    • Example 3: "You're incredible, you know. Most of the time, I think you're way smarter than me. I want to spend more time with you, get to talk more about the world and how you see things. What do you think? Would you be willing to head to the library with me this weekend? We've got that big test coming up and I could use a study-buddy."
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    Ask out a totally nerdy girl. This is a little easier, because believe us: she's already looking for a nerdy guy to date. Emphasize that you love having someone that understands you and that can keep up with you (or beat you). Come up with a date idea that you know she'll love and you're set.
    • Nerdy girl Example 1: "You know, I really think you're amazing and fun and I'd love to get to spend more time getting to know you. That new Art of Video Games exhibit just opened at the museum and I would really like it if you went with me. Maybe we can get some dinner afterwards? My treat."
    • Nerdy girl Example 2: "I've been having a lot of fun hanging out lately and I wondered if maybe you'd like to hang out more, just the two of us. The comic shop is having a sale this weekend. Do you wanna comb through the bins with me and then grab some lunch?"
    • Nerdy girl Example 3: "So, we've been hanging out for awhile now and I don't know about you but I think we've had some pretty great adventures. Maybe not through all of space and time, but that weekend at the con was pretty crazy. I'd like to have a few more adventures with you, if I can. So, what do you say: will you be my Companion?"
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    Don’t sweat rejection. Believe us, everybody gets rejected. It’s not just nerds. If she rejects you, don’t take it personally. It just means that she’s not the right girl for you. She wouldn’t have been able to appreciate all of the amazing things about you. This is not to say that she’s a bad person for not being interested but, just like guys, sometimes a girl just won’t feel that click. It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with either of you.
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Method 5
Method 5 of 5:

Things to Avoid

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    If she's nerdy, don't question her nerdiness. Don't test her knowledge or treat her like she's a lesser geek if she hasn't been doing nerdy stuff for as long or if she is nerdy in different ways than you. She enjoys and loves things and you enjoy and love things and that is cool and you should be happy.
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    Don't ever lord your intelligence over her. She's probably just as smart if not smarter than you in a few areas. If she was really so dumb or incompetent, you wouldn't want to be with her. Respect her, appreciate the things she's good at or knows about, and give her the opportunity to show you those things. Definitely don't be mean about it or trivializing if she doesn't know something.
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    Don't use pick up lines. Just...don't. You're doing both of you a disservice. Just be honest with her and say what you're really feeling.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    Why don't nerds get girlfriends?
    Cher Gopman
    Cher Gopman
    Dating Coach
    Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.
    Cher Gopman
    Cher Gopman
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    They do! This is a really antiquated and silly stereotype. I've known plenty of women who love dating nerds. So long as someone is kind, confident, and respectful, there's no reason they can't get a girlfriend.
  • Question
    How do I figure out if I should go for a nerdy girl or a regular girl?
    Cher Gopman
    Cher Gopman
    Dating Coach
    Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.
    Cher Gopman
    Cher Gopman
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    I think it helps to evaluate what you personally want in life, and then assess each girl that you're thinking about in terms of who they are as people. I think there's a tendency to overemphasize certain characteristics and downplay others. Don't think in terms of "nerd" and "regular." Ask yourself who is kinder? Who is more compassionate? And then from there, figure out if they align with how you picture your life going.
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Warnings

  • Don't be condescending. As a nerd, you may be tempted to strut your intellectual stuff by lording it over the girl you’re flirting with. This is an ineffective, irritating technique that won’t win you dates any more than it will friends.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • Don't be creepy. Don't hang around too much. Don't be everywhere she is. Don't track her movements. If she says she needs "space", then you're one step away from the creepy zone.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • If she is not a nerd or a geek, she must obviously like you in spite of you being a nerd and her not being one. This is not as common as pop culture would like you to think. Realistically, the only girls who will truly like you for being a nerd are nerds themselves. So if you luck out and gain the attraction of any other type of girl, she enjoys you for something else you have going for you (let's be positive and assume it's not just how much money you make). Don't ruin it by trying to convert or "otakunize" her. Don't force your nerdy interests on her. And never assume that deep down she really must be "one of us" and just needs to come out of the closet.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References

  1. ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201111/being-beautiful-or-handsome-is-easier-you-think
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201111/being-beautiful-or-handsome-is-easier-you-think
  4. ↑ https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-make-friends-as-a-grown-up/
  5. ↑ https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/how-to-make-friends-as-a-grown-up/
  6. ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
  7. ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.
  8. ↑ Cher Gopman. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.

About This Article

Cher Gopman
Co-authored by:
Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
This article was co-authored by Cher Gopman. Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post. This article has been viewed 673,880 times.
25 votes - 57%
Co-authors: 136
Updated: February 22, 2023
Views: 673,880
Categories: Nerd Culture | Getting a Date
Article SummaryX

You might think that nerds can't get girlfriends, but nerds often have a lot of qualities that girls love, like intelligence, passion, and a good work ethic. Try to get out and meet some girls at school, while doing activities, or at social events. If you’re interested in meeting a nerdy girl, try going to comic shops, video game tournaments, or the library. Once you meet some girls you think are nice, find reasons to hang out with them, like starting a comic book group, going to the movies, or playing card games. As you spend more time together, get to know more about her likes and life. Try to be a good friend by listening to her and being there for her if she needs support. When you're ready, find a quiet and private moment to ask her out on a date. Have something specific in mind so you can ask her if she'd like to go to a show with you during the weekend or if she'd like to try the new restaurant downtown on Friday night. To learn how to deal with rejection, keep reading!

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