How to Deal with Mixed Signals from Your Ex

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 3, 2021 References

Going through a breakup is tough, but it can be even harder when your ex keeps sending you mixed signals. While you can’t control what your ex does, you can control how you react (or don’t react) to them. Keep reading to learn how you can deal with these mixed signals and move on for good.

1

Set boundaries for yourself.

Talk with your ex about what’s okay and what’s not.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} If you had a rough breakup, you might want to go no contact for a while or even unfollow each other on social media. If you plan on staying friends with your ex, hanging out in a group or texting every once in a while might be okay, but not every day.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Say something like, “Hey, I think we need to talk about what we’re doing here. I’m fine with staying friends, but I don’t want to hang out one on one anymore. If we see each other when we’re out and about, that’s okay.”
- This is especially important if you want to get back together with your ex but they don’t want to.

2

Reiterate that you two are broken up.

You might need to do this if your ex still talks to you like you’re dating. Confirm with them that you aren’t anymore and they know that you two are broken up. If they agree that you two are completely broken up, tell them they need to start living like they’re single now.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- It can be hard for some people to adjust to the single life, especially if you two were together for a while. Try not to do things for your ex that you did while you were dating—that will only make things more confusing.
- If you want to get back together with your ex, it might be worth sitting down and having a talk with them. If they’re sending mixed signals, it might mean they regret breaking up, too.

3

Judge them on their actions if they’re trying to sweet talk you.

It’s easy for your ex to say they miss you or want to be with you. However, if they never follow up on that, it’s probably not legit. Take anything your ex says to you with a grain of salt, and only believe them if they follow through with their actions.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For instance, your ex might say they’re working on themselves so you two can get back together. However, what does that actually look like? If they aren’t going to therapy or actively working on their issues, they aren’t serious.
- If your ex says all the right things but doesn’t act upon them, it probably means they don’t actually want to get back together with you.

4

Try not to read into small things.

Liking your pic on social media doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Although it can be weird if your ex pops up in your notifications, simply double tapping a photo isn’t a clear signal that they want to get back together. Treat it like a meaningless action, and you’ll be much less torn up about it.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- People will sometimes give out little crumbs of attention just to get you thinking about them again. Usually, that’s how you can interpret an ex liking your pics or sliding into your DMs.

5

Tell your ex they’re being confusing if they don’t know it.

They might not even know they’re sending mixed signals. If your ex still cares about you as a person, they’ll either leave you alone or try to get back together. Simply let them know that you’re feeling confused and that you want the mixed signals to stop.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Say something like, “I’m not sure if you know you’re doing this, but it’s really confusing hearing from you one week and not hearing from you the next. Let’s talk about what we’re doing here.”
- If you want to get back together with your ex, now is a good time to bring up your feelings. If you don’t, just reiterate that you’re both single now.

6

Maintain your independence.

Don’t rely on your ex for anything. Try not to ask them for help, whether that be physical, emotional, or financial. Although it might take a while to untangle your lives together, remember that you’re a strong, independent person who can take care of themselves.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- Not depending on your ex can help stop mixed signals in their tracks.
- If you want to get back together with your ex, becoming independent might just show them what they’re missing.

7

Don’t reach out to them.

That will send some mixed signals of your own. If you’re truly done with the relationship, don’t text, call, or message your ex at all.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} Focus on moving on and living your own life—hopefully, your ex will do the same.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- This is especially important if you feel like you’re doing most of the work by reaching out or making plans.
- Although it sounds counterintuitive, it’s important not to reach out, even if you want to get back with your ex. If you bombard them with texts or calls, it could push them further away.

8

Don’t expect to get back together.

Treat your ex like what they are: an ex. If you hold onto the hope that you might get back together one day, things are going to get a little fuzzy. Remind yourself that you two broke up for a reason, and that your decision is final.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- It’s normal to look back on a relationship with rose-tinted glasses after it ends. Try to think about the bad stuff, too.

9

Ignore them if nothing else is working.

It will send the message that you’re no longer interested in them.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} If they text you, don’t respond. If they reach out on social media, block their account. Your ex can send as many mixed signals as they want, but you aren’t obligated to respond to them.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- It’s usually easier to move on from your ex if you cut contact, at least for a little while. If you’re having trouble getting over them, try staying away from them for about a month and then see how you feel.