How to Deal with Mean People

Last Updated: February 27, 2023 References

It’s a relevant question in school hallways, the comments sections of social media posts, and the meeting rooms of companies both large and small: “why must you be so mean?” No matter who you are, you probably have and will continue to make the acquaintance of people with unsavory attitudes. Learn how to deal with mean people effectively while protecting yourself at the same time.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Managing Your Responses

1
Recognize that you have control. You may not be able to control that person’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to it. Sometimes, people are mean just to get a reaction, you can control whether they get it or not. You are in control of how you react and where the situation ends up.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- If this person is from work or school, you may not be able to avoid them all the time; however, you can try to avoid them during breaks, and just try to stay away from them for as long as you can so they won't bother you.
- Try fighting the negative behavior with positive behavior. Go out of your way to be nice to them and create a better interaction.^{[2]
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2
Respond with compassion. There may be a deeper issue that the mean person is using negative behavior to hide. Sometimes, the biggest bully is the one that has suffered unthinkable abuse elsewhere.^{[3]
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- Meanness may appear as frustration, irritation, or impatience. If you spot any of these, you could say "Looks like you could use a break. Why don't we take 5 minutes?" or "Is there something I can help you with?"
- Taking the time to get to know them may clear up some things for you. Maybe you're just taking things too personally or maybe they're just misunderstood.
- Taking a compassionate approach can help to show them that you actually see the person and not just the behavior.^{[4]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Greater Good Magazine
  Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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3
Practice assertiveness. Assertiveness means standing up for yourself and your needs while also respecting the needs of others. At some point, you might encounter a mean person who doesn't respond to compassion and you can't simply take the "high road". In these types of situations, it's best to be straightforward and let the person know that you will not allow yourself to be walked over.
- For example, you're at school, another kid might bully you into doing something you don't want to. Make eye contact and tell them "no" using a calm and steady voice. You may have to repeat this a few times, but eventually they'll stop.^{[5]
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4
Acknowledge how the person makes you feel. Being within proximity of a mean person often requires proper armory. You know, at some point, the individual might throw something vicious your way. Feel the emotions that come with being around such a person. Don’t push these feelings away or act as if they are irrelevant. Name them.^{[6]
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- It’s easy to dismiss your feelings but this isn’t really fair to you or the mean person. You just end up bottling things up that some point might explode.
- Addressing your feelings might give insight as to why this is happening. Does your reaction fuel the fire and give the mean person more reason to pick on you? Sometimes, mean people target others because they want a reaction.
- Step back and observe how the mean person interacts with others. Is the behavior only happening with you or is it how he or she generally acts?
5
Attend to your pain. Care for yourself. Do a self-soothing exercise. Preparing yourself for a necessary interaction can also help to take some of the sting out of what he or she might say.
- Breathe deeply and make positive affirmations to calm yourself. Getting upset will only encourage the mean person to continue their behavior.
6
Practice mindfulness. This means taking the time to focus on your body, how it handles stress and a way to focus on relieving that stress through meditation or concentrated thought. Dealing with a mean person can be stressful and exhausting—this is a way to let that go.
- Try a body scan exercise to release the tension. Lay down or sit back in a chair and clear your mind. Starting with your toes, tense and relax each body part until you reach your face and fingers. This usually takes about 15 minutes.^{[7]
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- You can also download many relaxation videos on YouTube if you prefer to listen to something that will guide you through the process.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Calling Out a Mean Person

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Use confident body language. When you go to confront a person who is being mean, you must come off as brave and confident. Pull your shoulders back. Lift your chin and meet the person’s eyes.
- Stand up to the behavior in a confident way or use your confidence to defy the behavior. That is up to you, but confidence is the key.^{[8]
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2
Point out the behavior. Tell the person what you thought of his or her words or behavior. Many times the mean person is masking an underlying feeling with negative attention, so avoid making this a personal attack. He or she needs to know that you were upset by the behavior but not the person.^{[9]
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- "Hey, I felt humiliated when you teased me in the meeting earlier." Something straightforward and to the point should do the trick.
- Don't be vague and tell them that they're being mean for example. Instead, give them a specific example, such as how they teased you in front of class.
3
Offer a better suggestion to overcome the problem. Instead of simply telling the person what he or she did wrong, explain how the situation could have been handled in a more kind way.
- For example: "The next time you have suggestions for my work performance, can you please share them with me privately? I'd greatly appreciate that."
- Alternatively, ask them for help that they can use their talents instead of seeking negative attention. Letting them know that you recognize their skills can start a better working relationship.
- Be the first one to extend the olive branch and offer kindness. If they're able to gain positive attention, they're usually stop their behavior.^{[10]
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4
Involve an adult or a superior if the situation gets out of your control. This should only be done after you have tried other approaches since it may affect the relationship long term with the other person. If this is someone you only interact with for a small bit of time every once in a while it may not be worth the extra involvement.
- Bullying is against the rules in most schools and jobs. If you're the target of bullying, reach out to someone who can help put a stop to it.^{[11]
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  StopBullying.gov
  Website run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services providing information related to identifying and preventing bullying
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Sheltering Yourself from a Mean Person

1
Provide short, direct answers to speed up the encounter. In some cases, you cannot avoid interacting with the person, but you can keep the time you spend with him or her to a minimum. Keeping your interaction short and sweet is key.
- If they have a snappy attitude each time you talk to them in person, consider communicating via email.
- For face-to-face encounters, prepare your statement ahead of time so that the conversation can end quickly: "Hey, I'm headed to a meeting, but I wanted to check in to see how the report was progressing."
2
Find an excuse to leave. This is a big part of having an exit plan. If you have to ask for his or her help, do it on the way out to lunch, so you do not have time to stay for any negative feedback.^{[12]
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- Make your exit obvious, like having your coat on and walking out the door. This will allow you to leave quickly in a convincing manner. They won't have time to be mean.
- You can say something like "Oh, well. I'm running late for my lunch break. I'll catch you later."
3
Avoid the person, if possible. You may have a choice in some cases like avoiding a mean cashier at the local grocery store but in other cases like the mean person being your boss you may not be able to avoid him or her altogether. Mean people can spread their negative energy, so keeping your distance allows you to preserve a positive outlook.^{[13]
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- If you can't avoid them, consider each encounter as a challenge for you to show compassion and practice patience. Just as mean people can spread negative energy, you can spread the positive.
4
Get support. Being around mean people can be draining. Just as you should try to avoid a person who is mean to you, you should also make an effort to be around people who are nice and supportive.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 November 2019.} Doing so can provide you with much-needed nurturing and counteract the negative energy a mean person gives off.^{[15]
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