How to Deal with Long Distance Relationship Doubts

Co-authored by Laura Richer and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: October 26, 2021 References

Long distance relationships are challenging. When you can’t see your other half in person, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with questions and doubts. But if you and your partner work together, you can overcome those doubts and have a happy, healthy relationship. In this article, we’ll explain how to work through some of those nagging insecurities.

1

Open up to your partner about your feelings.

Good communication is the best ways to deal with doubts.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If you’re feeling unsure about something, go ahead and say so.^{[2]
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Research source} Be honest and straightforward, but avoid being confrontational. Remember, you’re on the same team!
- For instance, say something like, “When I don’t hear from you for a couple of days, I start to feel worried. Can we talk about checking in more often?” Or, “Lately I’ve been feeling a little insecure about things. I just need some assurance that we’re on the same page about our future.”
- Use “I” language so your partner won’t feel attacked. This means using phrases like “I feel . . . when you . . .” instead of starting with something that sounds like an accusation (“You don’t text me often enough!”).^{[3]
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2

Ask them for reassurance.

Tell your partner what would help you feel better.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Be specific about what you want from them. Phrase it as a gentle request instead of a demand.^{[5]
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Research source} It can be tough to open up about your needs in a relationship, but your partner will probably appreciate it—and it will ultimately make your bond a lot stronger!^{[6]
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- For instance, say something like, “It would really help me if we could sit down and talk about our plans for next year. When would be a good time?”
- Asking questions can also be a good way to get reassurance. For example, ask things like, “How are you feeling about us lately?” or “What do you think we could do to improve our relationship?”

3

Reaffirm your commitment to your partner.

Give them the kind of reassurance you want from them. This will help them feel more secure in the relationship as well! Let them know that they’re important to you and that you’re willing to put in the effort to make things work.^{[7]
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- For instance, say something like, “I love you so much, and I really want us to have a strong future together.”
- Ask what you can do to help reassure them. For example, “Is there anything you’re worried about?” or “What can I do to help you feel better about things?”

4

Stay in touch regularly.

Decide with your partner how often to check in.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} It could be once a day or a few times a week. But whatever you decide, do your best to stick to it. Even if you can only talk for a couple minutes at a time, regular communication will really help the two of you feel more connected.^{[9]
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- Be considerate of your partner’s time and needs, and ask them to do the same for you. Do your best to work out a communication schedule that works well for both of you.^{[10]
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5

Spend quality time together.

Make the best of your bonding moments. Your time together is limited by distance and your schedules, but you can still make those moments when you are together extra special.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} When you check in with each other, take time to talk about things that are really important to both of you.^{[12]
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Research source} And remember, you don’t have to limit yourselves to just talking! For example, you could:
- Plan a virtual date. Watch a movie together or have a candlelight dinner over Zoom.
- Play a game.
- Do something collaborative, like working on a creative project together.
- Send each other surprise messages or gifts even when you can’t actually chat together. This is a great way to say “I’m thinking of you.”

6

Set a goal to see each other in person.

It’s not always possible to meet up frequently. But, if possible, make plans to do it at some point—even if you have to wait a few months (or more). Just the act of making plans together can deepen your bond and give you a shared goal to look forward to.^{[13]
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- If it’s too impractical to visit your SO at their home, or vice versa, talk about meeting halfway. For instance, if you live on opposite ends of the country, you could meet in the middle somewhere for an exciting new adventure.

7

Establish good boundaries and ground rules.

Work together to determine what your expectations are.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Having healthy boundaries is important in any relationship, even when you don’t live together. Sit down and brainstorm with your partner about what is or isn’t working. It might even help to write it down. For example, you might discuss things like:^{[15]
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- How often you will call or text each other, and what times are appropriate based on your schedules.
- How you’ll handle sexual intimacy in the relationship. For instance, are you both comfortable with sexting or other forms of virtual sex?
- Whether you want your relationship to be exclusive and monogamous. If so, define what “cheating” means to both of you and discuss ways to avoid that and stay accountable.

8

Handle jealousy proactively.

This might mean explaining your activities in advance. For instance, if you’re going to be unable to check in at the usual time, try to let your partner know, and tell them what’s up. Ask them to do the same for you. It might also help to have regular conversations about what you’re both doing in your day-to-day lives.^{[16]
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- For example, you might say something like, “I’m going to be at my cousin’s wedding this weekend, so I might not be able to call you on Saturday like usual. I’ll definitely send you a text to let you know I got there okay, though!”
- Or, “My sister and her best friend are going to be coming in from out of town, so you might see some pics of us together on Instagram.”

9

Make clear plans for your future together.

It’s hard to feel secure if you don’t know where you’re headed. Talk to your partner about your goals—both individually and together. Make sure you’re both pretty much on the same page. And, if not, talk about what the next steps for both of you might look like.^{[17]
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- For example, you might ask things like, “Where do you see us in a year?” or “Are you still interested in moving in together after we graduate?”
- As your relationship progresses, your goals and expectations might change—and that’s totally okay. Have these kinds of conversations with your partner frequently so that nobody is caught off-guard.

10

Respect your partner’s need for space.

Expect them to do the same for you. While communication is important, you both need time and flexibility to be yourselves independently from each other. Avoid constantly checking in with your partner and demanding to know what they’re doing. Respect their boundaries and their schedule, and don’t be afraid to ask them to do that for you, too.^{[18]
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- For example, they might say something like, “I get really busy at work, and I can’t always answer your texts. Can you try not to keep pinging me during the workday?”
- Or you might say, “On Friday evenings I like to have dinner with my family. Can we skip checking in on those days?”

11

Avoid making assumptions.

Jumping to conclusions can do a lot of harm in a relationship. Before you get upset about something your partner is doing (or not doing), stop and ask yourself if your worries are realistic. Remind yourself to talk to them about what’s going on in a non-confrontational way before assuming anything.^{[19]
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Research source} You’ll probably feel a lot better after clearing the air with them.
- For instance, if they seem kind of distant and distracted next time you chat, don’t assume that they’re bored or upset with you. They might just be stressed out because of something else going on in their lives.
- Say something like, “You seem kind of preoccupied. Is everything okay?” Avoid “why” questions (like “Why are you so distant? What’s going on?”), because this could make them feel like they’re being interrogated.

12

Do fulfilling things outside the relationship.

You’ll feel more secure if you aren’t completely focused on your partner. Look for things that you enjoy on your own, such as getting physical activity, working on hobbies you love, or watching your favorite TV shows. Don’t neglect your social life, either! Spend time with supportive family and friends whenever you can.^{[20]
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- Encourage your partner to do the same. Say something like, “Hey, why don’t you go get drinks with your friends this evening?”
- You can always connect with each other about things you’ve been doing individually. For example, you might tell them an exciting story about your weekend hiking trip, or ask them to share a creative project they’ve been working on.

13

Challenge long distance relationship myths.

Take negative comments with a grain of salt. For example, you might have heard people say things like, “Long distance relationships never work out,” or “That’s not a real relationship.” Don’t let these kinds of ideas influence how you look at your relationship. If both partners are willing to put in the work, long distance relationships can be extremely successful and fulfilling!^{[21]
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- In fact, some studies show that long distance relationships have certain advantages over in-person relationships. For example, long distance partners tend to communicate on a deeper level, and as a result, often feel a closer bond than partners who live close by or together.^{[22]
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- It might help you to make a list of the positive aspects of your relationship. For example, “I get more time to myself,” “When we do see each other, it feels extra special,” or “We’ve gotten really good at having deep, meaningful conversations.”

14

Remind yourself that it’s normal to experience doubts.

There’s no question that long-distance relationships are difficult. Not only do you miss being physically close to your partner, but it’s easy to wonder what they’re up to when you can’t be together. You might also have fears about drifting apart, or even about what it will be like once you’re actually able to be together.^{[23]
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Research source} Remember that it’s common and normal to experience these feelings—and it’s healthy to express them to your partner and work through them together.

15

Try couple’s counseling if you need extra help.

Counseling isn’t just for couples who live together. If doubts and insecurities are having a major impact on your relationship, talking to a supportive third party could help. Look for a counselor who’s willing to meet with the two of you virtually to talk about what’s going on.
- A counselor can help the two of you find healthier ways to work through your insecurities. They can also help you identify some of the underlying causes of your doubts and figure out how to address them.
- If your partner isn’t willing or able to get therapy with you, you might still benefit from seeing a counselor on your own.

16

Look for red flags that it’s not working.

It can be tough to admit that it’s time to move on. But sometimes, despite your efforts, things just don’t work out. Keep an eye out for signs that your doubts might be well-founded.^{[24]
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Research source} For example, there might be a serious problem if:
- Your partner keeps making excuses not to communicate with you, or you find yourself doing the same.
- You feel like the two of you are drifting apart, or you don’t have much to talk about anymore.
- You don’t feel included in each other’s lives.
- You don’t get excited about seeing each other in person.
- You’re starting to feel like keeping things going is a chore, and not something you enjoy.
- Your relationship is holding you back from doing things that are important to you.
- It feels like your partner is constantly suspicious of you, trying to control you, or trying to pressure you into doing things you’re not comfortable with.^{[25]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What kills long distance relationships?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

A lack of connection and quality time can hurt any kind of relationship, including a long distance one. It's harder to keep a relationship going when you can't make time for one another.