How to Deal With a Premenstrual Girlfriend

Learn to care for your girlfriend with empathy and love

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: February 13, 2023

A woman's mood can be heavily influenced by hormonal fluctuations in her monthly cycle, especially before menstruation. She might feel happy at one moment, and within a few minutes she could be in tears. This can be frustrating for you as she might get upset with you even when you feel that you have done nothing wrong, but with the right approach, you can make work to make peace for her and for you. You can deal with your premenstrual girlfriend by avoiding conflict, easing her stress, and being compassionate and loving.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Easing the Burden

1
Reduce social activities. Feeling bloated and sore usually doesn't translate to wanting to be social. Check with her before confirming nights out that involve her or bringing your buddies back home with you. Be particularly aware of events that require her to dress up or that involve physical activity.^{[1]
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- For instance, you might not want to promise that you and her will go swimming with your friends if you know her period is coming. Check in with her first.
2
Take on some of her chores. If she typically washes the dishes or cooks dinner, take over this role both while she is PMSing and when she is not. She will appreciate you doing more around the house and will feel less stressed in general.^{[2]
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- You can either ask her what she needs help with or just get right in there and do the work. Notice what needs to be cleaned or dealt with and do it without even having to ask.
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3
Accommodate any diet changes. Though your girlfriend may typically be a health nut, when she is premenstrual, she might scarf down an entire pizza. Avoid making comments regarding her changes in diet if there are any. If she complains that her clothes are feeling tight, offer to go on a walk with her instead or tell her she looks nice.^{[3]
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- If you are trying to deal with her PMS and help her with her diet simultaneously, suggest healthy options. For instance, if she wants a pizza, suggest that you make one together rather than ordering out.
4
Do something relaxing for her. When your girlfriend is premenstrual, she might be feeling a lot more emotional or agitated than normal. Help relax her by running her a nice hot bath, massage her shoulders, or even meditating with her. Doing so will help put her at ease.^{[4]
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5
Help her sleep. Sleep can drastically help a woman who is dealing with PMS. Avoid disrupting your girlfriend’s sleep by playing the television loudly or by keeping her up late at night. Instead, engage in activities that will help soothe her to sleep like lighting a lavender candle or making her some hot tea. ^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Avoiding Potential Conflict

1
Keep track of when she will be pre-menstrual. Mark your calendar every month noting the time that she will be PMSing, but keep it in a place where she will not see it. Knowing that she's pre-menstrual may help you to be more patient with her. There are several apps available on the iPhone and Android phones to help you track her cycle. Keep in mind, however, that many women have irregular cycles.^{[6]
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2
Avoid blaming her bad mood on her period. Even if you know she's about to be on her period or see the same symptoms every month, keep that observation to yourself. Many women, especially when in a bad mood, will take offense to your assumption that the reason she's upset is because it's "that time of the month". She might feel like you're discrediting or dismissing her opinion by attributing it to her period.^{[7]
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- Instead of saying something like “Wow, you must be PMSing” say “It seems like you’re not in the best mood right now, do you want me to get you something to eat or run you a bath?”
3
Avoid negative surprises. If you already know she might be a bit moody, don't bring up any news or surprises that could potentially be upsetting to her if the news can wait. Wait for a time when she can give it her full attention in a better frame of mind.
- For instance, if an ex reached out to you, you might choose to wait a few days to let her know.
- Some things you will need to tell her immediately though, like if you lost your job or if you were dishonest with her about something.
4
Diffuse tricky or upsetting questions. Questions like "Does this make me look fat," can be tricky at the best of times in a relationship, but can be particularly sensitive if she's premenstrual. Try to avoid engaging in these types of discussions when you know this is the case or to instead reaffirm her in any way that you can. This positivity can help improve her mood overall.
- For instance, if she asks if she looks fat you can say “No, I think you look great today.”
- If she tries to pick a fight with you over something that is small, like you missing a spot when washing dishes you can say “Sorry, honey. Let me get that. Let’s watch a movie in a few.”
5
Let her choose. When your girlfriend is not feeling well, avoid engaging in power struggles over what you will watch and do. During these few days, don’t put up a fight over what movies, TV shows, foods, or activities you do. Just spend time with her doing what she wants.
- If, however, there is a special event or circumstance, then she will need to understand. For instance, if your favorite team is playing in the finals, then you should still watch the game. Promise her that you can watch what she wants before or after.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Being a Supportive Partner

1
Be patient. Dealing with anybody on a short fuse can be trying. If she snaps at you, or does something to get under your skin, don't lose your temper and fight back. It will just make things worse. Instead, take a few deep breaths, walk away from the situation for a moment, and return when you can be calm with her.^{[8]
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- Cut her some slack during this time but still maintain your boundaries. Even if she is not feeling great, she should not be yelling or cursing at you.
2
Don't take it personally. During this time, her emotions might get the best of her and your best defense against this is to remain level-headed and calm. Rather than lashing out at her, even when you feel that she is being illogical, simply say "Ok, I understand, let’s talk about this later.”^{[9]
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3
Exercise compassion. Think about a time when physical changes made you cranky. Was there ever an instance when you weren't getting enough sleep, and you became rather abrasive as a result? Put yourself in her shoes. Not only might she be experiencing bothersome physical symptoms, but her hormones are also in flux, affecting her emotionally.
- Use these reflections as a way to develop more compassion for her.
4
Ask her what she needs. In addition, while your girlfriend is PMSing, check in and see what she needs from you. Though it is great to take initiative and do some things on your own, there may be some things that she needs that you hadn’t considered. She might need you to run some errands for her or perhaps she just wants to be held. Whatever her needs, do your best to fulfill them.

Community Q&A

Question

What should I do when she wants to be alone?

Community Answer

Let her know that you will be there when she needs you, and then give her space. She will get in touch when she's feeling better.
Question

I try compassion methods all the time, but the only method that really works is a significant amount of abuse of any form from my side. I do not want to hurt her every month. Why does she require that?

Community Answer

What exactly do you mean by 'works'? Nothing positive can come out of abuse, and no one 'requires' abuse. If you're abusing her every month, she should have left you a long time ago. Your job in a relationship is not to control the other person or make them compliant or submissive to you. It's to care for and be kind and supportive to them. If your girlfriend is hard to be around during these times, and doesn't respond positively to kindness, then it's best to just give her space and leave her alone for a while. Obviously, she shouldn't mistreat you just because she's not feeling well, either, and you have the right to tell her that's not okay and to distance yourself from her if she keeps doing it - or even end the relationship if you two can't find a way to live in peace. But there's no excuse for abuse.
Question

Is it bad if I try to avoid going home when she has PMS?

Community Answer

Instead of avoiding her, try to make her feel better by getting her a small gift or doing a kind favor for her.

Warnings

Don't act like your girlfriend's emotions aren't real. They are completely real emotions. They are just intensified by her hormones.

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Helpful 297 Not Helpful 33
Don't be an enabler. People have emotional states, but they retain the ability to make decisions. Do not confuse bipolar or borderline personality disorder issues with PMS. If your girlfriend consistently treats you poorly, it is your responsibility to walk away and find someone who will treat you decently.

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Don't try to blame your relationship issues on your girlfriend's period. Dig deeper to find the real core of your problems.

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