How to Deal with Envy

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: November 8, 2022 References

If you want to cope with envy, you're already on the path to healing. Envy, the act of comparing yourself to others and feeling jealous of what they have, can lead to low self-esteem and make you feel negatively about your life. Fortunately, there are many expert-backed ways to overcome this emotion. Here, we'll teach you how to confront envy and replace it with positive feelings, like gratitude and admiration. If you'd like to embrace yourself and others, read on—with these steps, it'll be easier to resist envy.

1

Identify what sparks envy for you.

Ask yourself what triggers you, to begin healing. When you’re judging another person and envying them, what traits, possessions, or circumstances do they have?^{[1]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} When you acknowledge you’re envying someone else, you can start to cope with your emotions and stop comparing yourself to others.^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Research has found that we usually become envious of people who are similar to us. For example, you may compare yourself to a coworker or a friend.
- If you have a lower self-esteem, it’s easier to see people as threats and look down on yourself. You may think someone is “funnier” or “happier” than you.
- "Malicious" envy causes you to feel hostile toward others and see them as rivals, while "benign" envy can motivate you to be "better." Still, both forms of envy cause you to fall into comparative thinking.^{[3]
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2

Create a concept of your "core self."

List your priorities in order to understand what defines you. To help you work through envy, consider all of your values, needs, and belief systems. All of these concepts are essential to who you are and can't be taken away from you. When you write all of them down, you'll create a representation of your "core self."^{[4]
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- An illustration of your "core self" will help you process envy because what you feel insecure about is typically outside of your "core self."
- For example, if you value kindness, need words of affirmation, and believe in reciprocity, you're unlikely to feel insecure about competing with anyone over any of these elements of your "core self." They're just part of who you are.

3

Pinpoint what's outside your "core self."

It’s common to compare yourself against others based on your non-core traits. After you've defined your "core self," begin to identify traits or habits of yours that exist outside of it. For example, if generosity is part of your "core self," but being stylish, witty, or well-spoken is outside of it, then you'll have more information about what triggers your envy.^{[5]
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- In the case above, you might compare yourself to people you think are more stylish, witty, or well-spoken than you are. You may feel threatened by them and worry they'll "replace" you.
- Work performance, abilities, or status all exist outside of our "core self" and involve the perception of other people, so they can all trigger envy or comparisons.
- Criticism can also make you feel like you're "inferior" to other people or create insecurities. Remember that no one's words can change your "core self" or your value.

4

Practice self-compassion instead of envy.

When you’re kind to yourself, you won’t measure yourself against others. Whenever you resent other people because of what they have, pull your attention away from them. Instead, focus on what you need. For example, if you’re bothered by someone’s social media posts, you may wish you had more time for fun or self-care. Remind yourself that disappointment or self-doubt is normal.^{[6]
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- A way to swap envy for self-compassion may sound like: “They look like such a perfect couple. I wish I had more quality time in my relationship. I need that sense of connection.”
- Also steer clear of prideful remarks like: “They might have beautiful wedding pictures, but I have a better house.” This type of commentary keeps you in a cycle of unhelpful comparisons.

5

Realize you don’t know a person's full story.

When you evaluate someone you envy, you only see the "highlights." Usually, envy comes up when you judge someone’s life from the outside—for example, their physical appearance or their online activity. Remember that everyone deals with their own struggles or challenges, so their circumstances are just as complex as yours.^{[7]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- It’s easy to think their situation is perfect if you just look at surface-level details.
- Typically, people are a lot more discreet about the negative parts of their lives.
- You’ll humanize others and build empathy when you don’t see them as flawless.

6

Correct thoughts that devalue yourself.

Transform negative beliefs into neutral observations to combat jealousy. If you catch yourself placing more value on another’s abilities and devaluing your own, then "correct" your false assumption that one skill or quality is better or more valuable than another. To "correct" a thought, reframe what you tell yourself and use more encouraging language.^{[8]
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- A "devaluing" thought: "I’m not noticed as much in the group now that Justin has been hanging out with us. I used to be ‘the funny one’ and now everyone pays more attention to him. Sometimes I wish he’d have an off day."
- A "corrected" thought: "I know that I am feeling left out or undervalued by my friends, but that doesn’t mean that Justin is funnier. We're just different. We have unique types of humor, and that is okay."

7

Practice gratitude for the blessings in your life.

Cultivate thankfulness as a positive emotion that replaces envy. After you’ve developed a positive outlook on the gifts, talents, and skills that others have, shine the spotlight on what you’ve been granted or worked hard for. Be thankful and count as many blessings as you can, from valuable friendships to the roof over your head.^{[9]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- Your focus will shift away from what you don’t have to what you do have.
- Trying to search for every possible blessing can be a fun challenge.
- Expressing gratitude is a stress-relieving activity that can combat frustration.

8

Embrace your uniqueness

This practice allows you to feel irreplaceable so no one threatens you. Accept that you don’t have to be just like everyone else. Steer clear of labeling any differences as “good” or “bad.” When you label your personality traits or qualities as inferior or superior, you make your self-worth depend on others. Just remind yourself that you’re a unique person who deserves respect.^{[10]
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- Remember that you bring a new perspective to any group.
- Everyone makes mistakes, so choose to look at them as learning experiences.
- Stand up for inclusivity and diversity instead of drawing comparisons.

9

Say positive affirmations about yourself.

When you say these kind words, you'll ease feelings of envy. “Unplug” from social media and other people for a bit. Take a pause to reflect on what you offer the world. Use “I” statements and say positive affirmations. These powerful words will help you love yourself and see how special you truly are.^{[11]
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- Affirmation about a talent: "I have a real knack for digital painting."
- Affirmation about a personality trait: "I am giving and kind."
- Affirmation about self-love: "I accept myself unconditionally."

10

Try to "outdo" yourself instead of others.

Competing against yourself is more empowering than envying people. Instead of measuring yourself up to other people, think about accomplishing new "personal bests" in your journey of self-improvement. For example, rather than focusing on how much a fitness influencer has achieved, try to increase your own endurance or stamina. It'll feel very empowering to keep reaching new goals.^{[12]
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- For example, write in a journal, "Three months ago, I ran an 11-minute mile, and now I'm down to a 9-minute mile!"
- You can also set new standards for helping others. You may say to yourself, "This month, I was able to volunteer at the soup kitchen every weekend!"

11

Celebrate others who add to your life.

Counteract envy by complimenting people who lift you up. Practice feeling happy for others like your peers, colleagues, friends, or family. For example, maybe they’re great mentors or they’re very uplifting. When you see that they only want the best for you, it’ll be more natural to praise their successes.^{[13]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- When you congratulate others, you practice “capitalization,” a type of social support that makes both you and the other person feel positive.
- When you compliment others often, it’ll become a reflex that replaces envy.
- If you model genuine joy for what others accomplish, they’ll cheer you on, too.

12

Welcome support from other people.

With their help, you'll feel secure and know that you can achieve more. Once you’ve identified where you shine and excel, reach out to individuals who can help you out. Share why you look up to them, how you’d like to improve yourself, and ways you think they can mentor you. You’ll probably find it’s a lot more fulfilling to admire people because they can be your allies.^{[14]
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- For example, say, “I noticed that you built such a strong following online. It must help your business a lot! I’m so inspired by your drive and branding. Do you have any tips about how I can begin to promote myself?”

13

Surround yourself with positive influences.

Upbeat and confident people help model strong self-esteem for you. Invest time in friends and peers who speak highly of you and recognize your value. When you make a lot of space for uplifting people or ideas, you’ll probably feel envious a lot less often.^{[15]
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- Also follow social media or read content that empowers you—for instance, browse a page full of motivational quotes or check out tips on how to boost your self-esteem.

14

Avoid spending time with competitive people.

Anyone who’s competitive can make you slip back into envying others. Those who judge others or compare themselves to these individuals make it difficult to resist envy. If you're around anyone who makes it a habit to place themselves above or below anyone else, you might pick up these patterns, too. Limit your exposure to these behaviors so you can focus on appreciating others.^{[16]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- If you can, try to change the subject if someone becomes competitive.
- Model gratitude to try to encourage people to see the value in others.
- Excuse yourself and leave if the conversation becomes too toxic.

15

See a counselor if you still experience envy.

A therapist can discuss how to develop new mental habits. You may have tried multiple ways to cope with resentment or insecurity but still fall into patterns of envy—if so, that’s completely normal. Contact a mental health professional, like a trained therapist at BetterHelp, and schedule an appointment. They’re specially trained to help you find the root cause of your envy and change your thought patterns so they’re more positive.^{[17]
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- Ask about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can improve how you evaluate yourself and others. It can also help you switch from feelings of envy to more productive behaviors, like self-care or self-improvement.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I stop comparing myself to my sister-in-law, who is a total social butterfly and makes friends with everybody? Some context: I used to be shy, but I'm not anymore. Still, I still feel negatively when I think about her.

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Expert Answer

In order to avoid feeling envy about your sister-in-law, you can either focus on any of her social skills that you admire or you can reflect on all the wonderful qualities that you have. You can also try both of these strategies. When she shines in social situations, take note of what she does. Maybe she asks a lot of questions or tells funny stories. Consider whether you'd like to model this behavior, too. If you're less shy but still an introvert or a little more reserved, you can tell yourself, "I am incredibly thoughtful and think about what people say before I speak." What's most important is that you celebrate your unique value.
Question

I've been compared to my more academically successful best friend for years, and recently it's started to make me jealous. I'm afraid I'm being toxic, how can I get rid of this envy?

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Expert Answer

First of all, you should congratulate yourself for wanting to be a healthy and supportive friend. In order to maintain a thriving friendship, practice gratitude that you have such a smart person in your life. Since you think so highly of them, you should be proud you're in their life. Also think about how your friend can help you out with your academic goals. Finally, focus on improving your own academic performance and doing the best you can at school.
Question

What if you're the person who is envied? How do you deal with the envious person obtaining one of the things that caused their envy in the first place?

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Expert Answer

You should be happy for them. If they reached their goal and obtained what they wanted, it's a good sign that they don't resent other people and instead look to them for inspiration. Unless this individual shows signs of competitiveness, then it's likely they're just on a path of self-improvement.