How to Convince Someone to Try a Long Distance Relationship

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Eric McClure

Last Updated: February 17, 2022 References

If you or your partner are going to be moving in the near future, you may be discussing the potential of a long-distance relationship. If your partner isn’t totally sure they want to be long-term or you haven’t talked about it yet, strategizing how you lay out your case is important. Keep in mind, you cannot argue your way into getting what you want here, as hard as that may be to hear. The best you can do is express your love, explain why you want to be long-distance, and hope they make the right decision. We’ll tell you everything you need to know to increase your chances of success here.

1

Start by telling your partner you love them.

Make it extremely clear how much you love and cherish your partner. Your partner may not be down for this if they don’t really know the depth of how you feel. If you haven’t really let them know how much they mean to you, tell them now. If they do know, tell them again just to remind them! They’ll be more open to a long-distance relationship if they know you really love them.^{[1]
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- You might say, “Hey, I’m not sure if you know or not, but I really am head over heels for you. You mean a lot to me, and I really cherish our relationship…”

2

Discuss the kind of future you want with them.

Knowing you’re serious about them may help them make a choice. Tell your partner where you want this relationship to go, and where you could see the two of you 1, 5, or even 10 years from now. If they know they’re important to you, it may change just how much they’re willing to put up with if you’re going to be long distance for a while.^{[2]
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- You could tell them, “Look, I’m not sure if you feel the same way, and I’d like you to tell me if you feel differently, but I feel like we’ve got something really good here. I could totally see us moving in together after college…”

3

Be clear about wanting to stay a couple.

Take the plunge and let them know you want to stay together. If you’ve been floating around the idea of a long-distance relationship or breaking up and the two of you never really took any concrete stances, do so now. Make it totally clear that in your ideal world, you’d like to stay together on a long-distance basis.^{[3]
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- You may say, “Just so you know, I would want to stay together even if you live in Denver and I live here in Las Vegas. I know it might be tough, but I think you’re worth it and I’m not ready to give up on us….”
- If your partner is on the fence about this because they don’t want to do the vulnerable thing and put their neck out there (just in case you don’t want to be long-distance), this should put an end to that.

4

Explain they’ll have more time for personal stuff.

An LDR can give you two space to pursue hobbies, work, or school. If they’re moving for school or a new job, it’s unlikely your partner will have time to date around anyway. You might explain that since you won’t be around all the time, they’ll have more space to pursue other things in their life.^{[4]
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- You might point out, “You’re going to be super busy with college-level coursework, and it takes time to make new friends. Maybe it’ll be good to have that free time for yourself…”

5

Tell them you’ll support them from afar.

You can be a constant in their life during a rough time of transition. Moving to a new place can be scary. Your partner may not know anyone where they’re going, and it may be nice to have someone they can call who has their back. Explain that you’ll have always be just one phone call away if they ever need someone to talk to.^{[5]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
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- You can say, “I’m scared to move to a new place where I don’t know anyone, and I can’t imagine it’s any different for you. We’ll be able to lean on each other for support...”
- If you’re the one moving, you might explain that you’d appreciate them supporting you while you move.

6

Explain that LDRs are just as rewarding.

There’s no reason you two can’t have a fulfilling relationship while long distance. Surprisingly, people in long-distance relationships are just as happy as people in “normal” relationships.^{[6]
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PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} Long-distance couples appear to be just as likely to stay together over time as typical couples.^{[7]
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Research source} It’s not the most emotionally-charged point, but they may be more open to being long-distance if they know there’s not a huge difference.
- You could point out, “It’s not like long-distance relationships aren’t real relationships. We’d still love each other, we’d still talk all the time, and we can see each other every other weekend. A lot of people do long-distance and they’re perfectly happy…”

7

Point out that tech will make this easier.

Long-distance relationships used to be super hard, but not these days. Everybody has a smartphone and access to the internet. Even if you two aren’t physically living in the same place, you can still see each other every day. Video chats, phone calls, photos via text message, and social media all make it super easy to stay in touch.^{[8]
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- You might say, “If you’re worried about not getting to see one another, we can video chat every day if that’s what you want! We can also write emails, and chat online all day. It’ll be like I’m not even gone...”

8

Give them plenty of time to decide.

If you push the idea too hard, they’ll be less inclined to agree to it. Give your partner plenty of space to weigh the pros and cons in their own head. It’ll suck not knowing where they really stand or what they’re going to say, but if you pester them about it they’re going to be less inclined to be on board with the idea. Give them space here. If it’s meant to be, they’ll make the right decision.^{[9]
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Harvard Business Review
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- Even if they do say yes when you’re pushing them, they may just be giving in to the pressure. For a long-distance relationship to work, both partners need to be on the same page. You have to let them come to the right conclusion on their own.

9

Address your partner’s concerns.

Discuss their issues with long-distance and ease their worries. Your partner may be seeing issues with a potential long-distance arrangement. Do your best to explore the problems together and try to find a way around each issue. Look for compromise and understanding wherever you can find it.^{[10]
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Research source} For example:
- If they’re worried about never seeing you because they won’t have a car, you might agree to drive to them every other weekend so you can hang out together.
- If they’re concerned you won’t stay committed, reaffirm your relationship and shower your partner with love. They may just want to know you’re seriously in love with them and that you aren’t going anywhere.
- If they’re worried about losing the romance, you two might agree to plan a romantic weekend trip once every couple of months, or promise to “surprise” one another at least once a month.
- If they don’t know if they’ll be able to take the distance, remind them that you’ll only ever be one phone call, video call, or text away.

10

Negotiate the ground rules if they agree.

If they agree, start discussing what your relationship will look like. Long-distance relationships need boundaries the same way that relationships where you live in the same place do. There’s no rush until the two of you actually part ways, so take your time, but start to work through your wants and needs for how you’re going to stay in touch.^{[11]
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- Are you required to check in once every 1-3 days? What about a dedicated “date” night where you two do something online together?
- How often are you going to see one another? Who is going to come to who?
- Are you allowed to date other people while you’re apart? If so, is it a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation?

11

Schedule time to connect with one another.

Make sure that you have a concrete plan for communication. The most straightforward way to do this is to promise to talk at the same time every other day or so. You can connect over video chat, or just talk over the phone. Either way, be sure to craft a schedule and stick to it the best you can. It’s important to not go long stretches of time without communicating, since that can weigh heavy on your partner.^{[12]
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- Most long-distance couples do not choose to talk every single day, since that can be a bit much. If you want to start with that and see how you feel though, that’s totally fine!

12

See one another at least once every 3 months.

The more often, the better, but once every 3 months is the minimum. Being able to spend time in person is extremely important. Work out a plan together. Are you going to see each other every weekend? Every other weekend? Once a month? Try to find a balance where you can both spend time together without both of you traveling way too often.^{[13]
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- A large component of this is how far you two are going to be from one another. If you’re in California and they’re in New York, you might shoot for once every 3 months. If you’re in Chicago and they’re in Detroit, every weekend might be viable!
- If it’s possible, try to alternate between you and your partner when it comes to traveling. It can be difficult for one partner to feel like they’re doing all of the heavy lifting when it comes to in-person meetings.

13

Make a plan to move back together permanently.

Long-distance is a lot harder if there’s no plan to get in the same place. Work out some sort of general agreement regarding when you’re both going to put an end to the long-distance thing. If you’re indefinitely long-term, it can start to weigh on you after a while. That can put a strain on a relationship, so develop a roadmap for what the future looks like.^{[14]
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- If you’re both going to college, you might suggest getting back together once you both graduate, or talk about transferring after the first 2 years.
- If it’s a work-related thing, you might discuss looking for new work wherever your partner lives once they establish themselves.

14

Promise to reconnect if they just aren’t swayed.

If they don’t agree to long-term, suggest staying in touch. Long-distance isn’t for everyone, but that doesn’t mean the two of you have to break up forever. If the distance is truly the only thing that’s going to keep you from staying together, tell them you want to stay in touch and suggest reconnecting once your situations change.^{[15]
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- It may be hard now, but there’s no reason the two of you can’t reconnect in the future. This kind of “practical” breakup can hurt even more since nothing was really wrong, but that also means there’s a good chance you two will reconnect in the future.

Expert Q&A
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Question

Should you talk everyday in a long distance relationship?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

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While you don't have to talk every day, it's important to communicate often. Communication indicates that you are an important part of the other person’s life. Update your partner on your life, even simple and mundane happenings. Use technology to video chat, call, and send each other pictures, audio clips, and videos. Be clear about how often you want to communicate.
Question

What kills long-distance relationships?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

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One thing that kills long-distance relationships is lack of trust. The key to every relationship is trust. It is even more critical in a long-distance relationship. Have faith in your partner and in your relationship. Be faithful and positive and define your commitment in a practical way.
Question

Is it possible to start a relationship long distance?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Relationship Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Relationship Therapist

Expert Answer

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Yes, as long as you maintain a shared goal and vision. A common vision is a key motivating factor to endure the difficult moments in a long-distance relationship. Before you get into a long-distance relationship, you should have a shared vision about your relationship and understand that you are willing to accept the consequences of long-distance.