How to Contact a Girl Who's Mad at You

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: October 13, 2022 References

Conflict is inevitable between any two people who spend a large amount of time together. But it’s how you handle it that will determine the fate of the relationship. If you work hard to empathize with her and understand what’s going on, you’ll be able to settle just about anything that goes wrong between the two of you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Preparing for the Conversation

1
Ask friends and family for their honest opinion. Don’t use this time to gossip or spread false narratives about the situation. Only try to find the truth of what’s happening and determine what the cause of the fight is. It’s important to know why she isn’t talking to you. This knowledge will help you know how to approach the situation in a positive way. ^{[1]
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Research source}
2
Try seeing things from her perspective. By stepping out of your own mindset and understanding things from her point of view, you can come to a closer understanding of why what’s happening is happening.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Ask yourself things like “How have I acted around her recently?” and “When was the last time I thought of of her needs before thinking of my own?”

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3
Practice having the conversation with others. Have someone play the part of the girl and have them ask questions about the situation. Then you will be ready to answer her when you talk and this will help your confidence so that you can remain cool under pressure. Do this with a trusted family member or friend.
- It would not be advisable to do this with someone who is her friend. Try to involve someone who only, at the most, knows her through you. You don’t want to challenge the loyalty of her friends.
4
Hold off on assuming you’re right. Pride can destroy relationships. Even if you’re not at fault, assuming a posture of humility will show her that you care about the connection to her enough to sacrifice for it. The sign that you have good partner is if she is able to do the same thing in return so that you can both figure out what’s wrong. Vulnerability is key to fixing relationships.^{[3]
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Research source}
5
Be patient. Sitting tight and letting her process emotions at her own pace shows that you are mature and respect her as an individual.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} If you become pushy and try to force the conversation before she’s ready, she will interpret this as selfishness. Don’t imagine all the things that could be going wrong; she probably just needs some time to herself.^{[5]
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Research source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Initiating the Conversation

1
Plan the talk at a calm time for both of you. It won’t help if you decide to have the conversation right after you’ve both had stressful shifts at work. It’s ok to put it off for a couple of days so that you can approach the conflict when you’re both rested and rejuvenated.
- It can be easy to avoid talking about something for too long. While this may seem acceptable at the time, it will hurt the relationship in the long run. Don’t sweep everything under the rug, even if she’s ok with it. A healthy relationship is worth the work.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
2
Give her a call. Most of the time, texting or sending a message over social media isn’t the best way to go when the issue is serious.^{[7]
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Research source} Do not demand you speak to her. This sets up the talk as a combative one; Instead of going into it vulnerable, you will both have your defenses up.^{[8]
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Research source} Never make it sound like you’ve put an ultimatum on the conversation. When you bring up the possibility of talking about the issue, give her a way out so that she can refuse if she needs more time.^{[9]
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3
Apologize sincerely. Girls often see this as a must when entering into conversations that deal with conflict. They want to see that you’re willing to let your guard down. If you don’t know what to apologize for after genuine self-reflection, ask her what it is you’ve done to make her mad.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Having a Productive Conversation

1
Bring her a thoughtful gift. When you go to speak with her, take along a nice present and card. These will show her that you’re serious about healing the relationship. But don’t go overboard; you don’t want to look guiltier than you really are.
2
Stay calm. It won’t help if you go into the conversation with fiery arguments and angry words.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Choose your phrases carefully; you can say the same thing several different ways with varying effect. Keep tight control over your tone so that it’s either neutral or positive. This self-control is critical; if she feels that you’re a loose cannon then it would be best for her to not be around you.^{[11]
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Research source}
3
Prepare thoughtful questions. After you’ve listened to her and the reasons why she’s mad at you, ask her questions that show a genuine concern for her wellbeing.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Even if you’re not in the wrong, humility at this point will help her trust you more and more until the relationship is fixed.
- Ask questions like:
  - “How did that make you feel?”
  - “Is there anything I can do to make this any better?”
  - “What do you need right now?”
4
Be ready to listen. When you ask her questions about what’s going on, do not zone out as she answers you. This will only exacerbate the situation. When you’re able to respond and ask questions based off of what she has said, she will feel heard, which is often one of the most important things to girls. It doesn’t matter if you think you have all the answers if she thinks that you’re not listening to her.^{[13]
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5
Make sure she doesn’t feel pressured. Do not expect for everything to be mended by the time the conversation has ended. Let her know that you’re there for her but are willing to give the healing process some time. This implicitly tells her that you place great value on her judgment.
6
End on a hopeful note. Make sure she knows you want to continue talking in order to heal what’s been broken and that you can see everything working out eventually. This will help her see the light at the end of the tunnel of this conflict.
7
Know when to back off. If she tells you that the relationship is over, respect her wishes. Arguing on this point will not help persuade her otherwise. Leave peacefully and maybe she will want to reestablish contact sometime in the future.

Expert Q&A

Question

Should you ask a girl if she's mad at you?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Of course. You may be reading her wrong, so the best approach is to just be direct with her. Tell her something like, "You look upset. Are you okay?" or "Did I do something to upset you?".
Question

What to do if a girl is mad at you?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Focus on what you're sensing and ask her if anything is bothering her. Ask her if it was something you've done and try to be empathetic. Don't focus on what the girl is "doing wrong", but on what you're sensing, otherwise she may not respond the way you're hoping.

Warnings

Keep her triggers in mind. If she has seen or been victim to something traumatic, try your best to steer completely clear of that subject during this time. Bringing it up will just cause more turmoil.

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If she separates herself from both you and everyone else she knows for too long, check in on her. If you find that she’s not mentally stable, contact her family or loved ones in order to arrange an intervention, maybe even medical help if it’s necessary.

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Don’t do something over the top to try to quickly win her affection back; she might think you’re overdoing it to hide guilt or buy her love back.

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