How to Break up With Someone You Met Online

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: May 6, 2021 References

Online romantic relationships can be confusing. You may meet someone online and, despite long talks via text and email, simply not click in real life. You may also only have a relationship online. If you don't feel a connection after a couple of dates, or if things are simply cooling off via your virtual connection, you may want to break things off. Many people choose to simply let contact taper off. However, others may feel they owe the person a conversation. If you choose to be direct, be honest without going overboard. You don't have to give a very specific reason, but do let the person know you're uninterested in spending more time with them. With some tact and consideration, you can successfully break off an online relationship.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Deciding How to Break the News

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Think about the benefits of being honest. It may be better for you and the other party to be upfront and honest about ending things. You can do this face-to-face, or via text. If you've never met this person in real life, or only met them a couple of times, there's no need to meet them face-to-face. However, a longer relationship would benefit from a face-to-face meeting.^{[1]
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- The main benefits of this approach is that it's a mature way of handling a potentially awkward situation. You won't have to awkwardly avoid the person in the future. You will also avoid any feelings of guilt. If you simply cut someone out, you may regret it later. For example, you may not have romantic feelings for them, but they might be a good friend.
- The major con is rejecting someone is hard. The other person may react negatively if you reject them. You also may not feel you owe someone a rejection if you only knew them via the internet. However, if the person seems very invested or interested in you, you should probably be honest about your feelings so they have some closure and can move on.
- If you met someone in real life, and dated for a few weeks, try meeting up in real life. If you only talked to someone online, or only met them a few times, you can break up via text or email.
2
Consider tapering off contact. Sometimes, it's best to slowly taper off contact. If you never met this person in real life, or if you only had one date, consider just slowing or ending contact until they take the hint.^{[2]
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- One pro to this approach is that you avoid a potentially awkward situation.
- If the other party doesn't seem invested either, it may be appropriate to slowly stop returning texts and emails.
- This is probably not the best approach if the other person seems more invested. If you're getting a lot of texts, emails, and other forms of contact, the other person may want to move towards a serious romance. If this is the case, simply ceasing contact can leave them feeling confused and hurt. A conversation may be better.
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3
Try waiting for them to contact you. Another approach is allowing the other party to contact you. If you're not sure if the other party is invested in the relationship, give it a few days. If you don't receive any contact, it's safe to assume the other person is not interested in continuing things. At this point, it's fair to simply move on without a formal breakup.^{[3]
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4
Choose a time to break the news. In the event you decide to be direct, choose a time to have the conversation. If you're comfortable, you can meet in person. If you don't feel comfortable meeting up again, you can send them a text or email.^{[4]
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- If you met up for a date and didn't feel a spark, it's best to let the other person know sooner rather than later. This is especially important if the other party seems more enthusiastic than you. Give it a day or so, and then get in touch with them. Thank them for the date, but let them know you’re not interested in them romantically.
- Pick a time when you assume the person is free. If there's a particular time you were regularly exchanging texts and emails, this is probably a good time to talk. For example, if you’ve only texted in the evening, stay consistent. Don’t send a break-up text during the work day.
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Consider the length and type of your relationship. There's no need to schedule a meetup with someone you haven't had a serious relationship with or never met in person. At the same time, it's considered a dating faux pas to breakup with someone you've been seeing for a while via text.
- If you've had limited or no face-to-face contact, it's okay to call or text. Otherwise, tell them face-to-face.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Expressing Yourself Effectively

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Identify why you're breaking things off. Before the conversation, figure out why you don't want to continue the relationship. This will help you better express your feelings. Consider what went wrong, if anything, and why you're not interested in the other person.^{[5]
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- When did you notice the relationship did not feel right? The person may have said something that indicated you wouldn't be compatible. For example, the two of you may want different things from a romance.
- You don't have to be brutally honest with the other person. If there was something particular you disliked about them, there's no need to tell them. However, knowing on your own end can make you more confident about breaking things off.
- Agree with yourself that you will keep it simple. For example, have a reply ready if they ask for “one more chance” so you’re not caught off guard.
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Stay realistic about what the relationship was. When breaking things off, try not to make it a bigger deal than it was. Many online relationships are not serious, even if you meet up for a date or two. The other party may be taken aback if you approach the situation with the seriousness of breaking off a long-term, face-to-face romance.^{[6]
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- Remember, you can exchange many messages online and not have chemistry in real life.
- The other person may already understand. Therefore, you may be able to approach the situation somewhat casually.
3
Be direct. You do not want to beat around the bush when breaking things off. Online relationships can sometimes be confusing, as you interact intellectually before you do so physically. As the boundaries can be confusing, make sure to be as direct as possible when breaking things off. You can send them a text, or meet them in person to let them know.^{[7]
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- It can be helpful to begin the conversation with something nice. You can say something like, "I had a great time hanging out with you, and you seem like a really nice person."
- Explain your feelings about the relationship. You can be brief and to the point. For example, "While I had a good time, I just don't feel a romantic spark."
4
Try to end things on a positive note. There's no need to leave harboring negative feelings. You can still be friendly with someone, even if you're not interested in them romantically. When finishing the conversation, try to look for some positives. You don't want to leave the other person feeling they wasted their time with a relationship.^{[8]
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- Wish them luck in the future. You can say something like, "I had a lot of fun with you. I hope you have good luck finding someone more compatible."
- Remember, relationships are a learning process. Most of them do not work out. Even though your online romance fizzled, the two of you probably learned something about yourselves during the process.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Avoiding Pitfalls of Breaking Up

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Do not say more than necessary. When breaking off an online relationship, especially one that was casual, there's no need to give a laundry list of reasons. If you're sending a text or email, keep things brief. You don't owe this person a detailed explanation.^{[9]
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- If you felt the two of you wanted different things, you can say so. Try something like, "I got the impression you wanted something more casual. That's fine, but I'm looking for a real relationship right now."
2
Avoid attempting to comfort the other person. If the other person is disappointed, do not try to offer comfort. Rejection hurts. If the other person was more invested, being rejected may be a major blow to their pride. If you offer comfort, this may come off as condescending. Once you tell them you're not interested, stop contact.^{[10]
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Stop contacting the person after the breakup. When you meet someone online, it's often easier to keep up contact after the relationship ends, but this sends mixed messages. Once you've broken things off, cease social media contact, at least for a while. Give the other person time to understand the romantic part of the relationship is over.^{[11]
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4
Evaluate your approach to online dating. Online dating can work for many people, but you may not be approaching it effectively for yourself. If you frequently break things off with online matches, spend some time viewing your approach to the online dating world.^{[12]
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- Be honest and specific in your profile to narrow down the number of matches.
- You may be spending too much time talking online before meeting in person. Stick to a few conversations to establish whether you have something in common. Then, meet in person. This way, you'll be able to tell right away if this person is right for you.
- You can also try meeting people other ways if you don't like online dating. Try going to clubs or volunteering to meet potential romantic matches.
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Deal with aggressive reactions. In the event the other person gets aggressive, react appropriately. If the other partner threatens to harm you or themselves, cease contact. If you believe your safety is being threatened, contact the police. Online harassment can be very dangerous.

Warnings

Don't start a new relationship if you're still in an old relationship. Give yourself space to recharge and rediscover your own sense of purpose again.

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