How to End a Relationship Without Losing Mutual Friends

Last Updated: April 7, 2021 References

Oftentimes, a breakup doesn’t only affect the couple; it affects everyone they know and love. While it might be obvious that you can’t reach out to your ex in-laws anymore, the rules of engagement for mutual friends isn’t so clear. Maintaining shared friendships after the relationship ends requires behaving with maturity and tact. Learn how to end a relationship and keep mutual friends by ending the relationship on a good note, taking appropriate actions to save shared friendship, and being cordial with your ex.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Ending the Relationship on Good Terms

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Be clear and straightforward about your decision. To increase the chances of ending on good terms, just come out and let your mate know your feelings. Don’t beat around the bush. Be direct yet gentle in explaining your decision to end the relationship.^{[1]
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- You might say something like, “I care about you, but I don’t think we’re working well together anymore. This relationship has run its course.”
- You may be tempted to try a few passive-aggressive tactics, such as cheating on them in the hopes that you’ll get caught or being harsh and dropping hints in the hopes they’ll break up with you first. These strategies will only create more drama around the breakup and decrease the chances of the two of you being able to sustain your mutual friendships.^{[2]
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- You should also watch for passive-aggressive behaviors on your partner's end. If they are pushing you away, then it could be because the desire to end the relationship is mutual.
2
Validate their feelings. Acknowledge how your partner must be feeling about the relationship ending. This shows that although you want it to end, you still care about their feelings. Doing this also increases the chances of the two of you being amicable in the future.
- Validation might sound like, “I know you must be hurting and I want you to know that I didn’t intend to hurt you.”^{[3]
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Decide how you will handle mutual friendships. If you both would like to stay in touch with mutual friends, it may be a good idea to get ahead of the issue and decide upfront how you will handle it. Will someone have dibs on weekend brunch while the other person gets birthday parties?^{[4]
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- Once you and your ex have dealt with the particulars of ending the relationship, discuss how you will navigate the world of shared friendships.
- Keep the lines of communication open to make it easier to plan gatherings and events with mutual friends.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Saving Friendships

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Make your expectations clear. When you break the news about the breakup to your pals, set the terms early on. Let them know that you fully expect them to remain friends with you and your ex.^{[5]
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- You may even say, “I know things might be awkward for a while, but we both love you too much to lose you.”
- If you and your ex are cordial with one another, it may help to do this part together.
- You should also share expectations you and your ex have agreed on with your friends so that everyone is on the same page.
2
Keep your grievances to yourselves. Friends may be the people you turn to when you want to vent about your ex, but mutual friendships are off-limits for these purposes. Trash-talking your ex or ruminating about the details of the breakup will only make your mutual friends uncomfortable.
- If you need support after the breakup, turn to friends that are exclusively yours.^{[6]
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Don’t force your friends to become spies. Whether there’s someone new or not, don’t ask your friends to keep you in the loop. Nothing is more likely to ruin mutual friendships than putting your friends in the position of spying on your ex. Staying informed about your ex’s personal life will only prolong your recovery after the breakup, anyway.^{[7]
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4
Know that they may still take sides. When it’s all said and done, couples who end long-term relationship lose an average of eight friends. The majority of those eight are mutual friends that were shared between partners. In other words, it’s still likely that your friends may choose a side.^{[8]
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- All you can do is reach out to them and let them know that you would like to remain friends. You can’t control what they ultimately do.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Staying Amicable with Your Ex

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Have a realistic perspective on being friends with your ex. “Let’s be friends” is often a cliché tied to the end of most breakups. However, most people who have tried know that being friends with an ex is much easier said than done. Try not to force the issue or expect you and your ex to suddenly become best buds.^{[9]
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- Instead of aiming for being best friends, strive to be friendly. Smile and greet them when you encounter them in social or public settings. However, don’t expect anything more until both of you are ready.
- Also, keep in mind that your ability to become friends is likely to be more realistic over time. Be patient and try not to force things early on.
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Put the past behind you. If you’re still holding on to bitter feelings about your ex or about the circumstances of your breakup, your mutual contacts will know. Resist the urge to rehash what happened and try to find closure instead.^{[10]
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- If you are having trouble coming to terms with the breakup, it may help to talk to a therapist.
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Take the high road. Undoubtedly there will come a time, when your mutual friends will mention your ex’s new partner. Then, everyone will freeze up after realizing the comment may have been insensitive to you. Brush this off and keep moving, even if it hurts.
- Tell your pals that you understand that they’re still friends with your ex, and may even befriend the new date, too.
- If you storm off in anger or act really hurt at the mention of your ex’s name (or their new partner), your friends will start to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you. Such behavior won’t bode well for the future of your friendships.
- If you feel the urge to storm off, take a deep breath, then find a calm way to discuss your feelings. You may have been bottling them up.^{[11]
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  Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}
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Divvy up event invites accordingly. It’s unrealistic to expect that you and your ex will be able to attend every gathering hosted by your mutual friends. This may be possible months or years later, but it may hurt too much to be in their presence shortly after the breakup. In such cases, attend gatherings based on who’s had the relationship longest.^{[12]
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- For instance, if your ex’s best friend gets married, you might decline your invitation so your presence doesn’t make him uncomfortable. You might choose to take the newlyweds out to lunch to celebrate on a later date.

Expert Q&A

Question

Why is my ex picking fights with me?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

They may still be upset about the breakup or could have unresolved anger over what happened. Don't take the bait! Take a deep breath or step away until you calm down so you can avoid fighting with them.
Question

How can I recover from a breakup?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

Understand that the end of a relationship is painful, no matter what. Acknowledge and validate that pain while realizing that you have the tools to recover within you. Rather than looking for someone else to build you up, take back your personal power and transform your life into whatever feels good for you on your own terms.