How to Be the Guy Every Girl Wants

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: February 16, 2023 References Approved

"What do women want" is a question that men have been asking themselves for decades, if not hundreds of years. Because every single woman will have different and subjective criteria for choosing a partner, trying to come up with a universal answer can be daunting and confusing. But the truth is, regardless of whether or not your have the perfect smile or the perfect height, there are certain things women do want almost universally: they just happen to be the inner qualities of a person. By promoting a positive personality, avoiding negative qualities, and treating women right, any man can be the kind of guy every girl wants.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Promoting a Positive Personality

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Be confident. The benefits of being confident are nearly endless: greater happiness in life, freedom from anxiety and reduced stress levels, and greater self worth. People who are around confident people also reap the benefits: their interactions with you will be more relaxed, comfortable, and enjoyable, and they'll be able to trust and respect you more. All other things unchanged, if it's between someone who is confident and someone who is anxious all the time, most women would prefer to be with a guy who's confident.^{[1]
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- Show confidence by exhibiting good posture--stand up straight, smile, make good eye contact, take more space, don't fidget, and be open with your stance (that is, don't cross your arms or your legs).^{[2]
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- Remember what makes you great. You do in fact have lots of skills, talents, and points; make a list of these things for your reference and look them over from time to time as a reminder.
- If you start to feel negative about yourself, give yourself a pep talk. "Hey, man. So what if you don't have a six pack. You have an A in Math, you have a nice smile, you're funny, you just got a job as a lifeguard for the summer, you have really good friends and you're a really good shortstop. You have a lot of things going for you!"
2
Be adventurous. Girls like guys who can tell them interesting stories about things they've done and seen, and many girls will enjoy getting to experience these things with you. By doing lots of things you'll be enriching yourself as a person, learning new skills and information and the kinds of things you do and don't like. Try new foods, new sports, crafting (like woodworking and welding), programming, sewing--anything that piques your interest.
- Don't get caught up in the notion that certain hobbies are for girls or boys only. The idea that certain things are only for one gender or the other is all the result of cultural conditioning, and there's nothing wrong with a boy learning to knit or skydive or whatever he wants to do.^{[3]
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3
Develop a sense of humor. Everyone likes being around someone that can make them laugh: laughter does a lot of great things for your body, including reducing stress and blood pressure. It also makes us feel good. Learn how to make people laugh, and learn how to take a joke as well, even if it's at your own expense.^{[4]
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- Remember that no matter how big or small one's failures, they're just an opportunity to improve yourself and everyone makes mistakes. Don't get hung up on a sense of pride and you'll be able to enjoy your life a lot more.
- Remember that so-called mean-hearted jokes made at the expense of others actually aren't funny and can spread hurtful ideas about other people. There are lots of jokes that you can make that have nothing to do with other people and won't hurt anyone's feelings. For example: "What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?" "A shoe."^{[5]
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Be generous. When you interact with people, be generous: share your time and your feelings with others, and take the time to be a pillar of support when they need you. Take the time to give back to the communities and world around you as well and you will become a person more people want to be around.
- Volunteer to help drive siblings to and from school functions and sports practices.
- Help your friends and classmates on projects when they're struggling.
- Donate your time and energy to visiting people in assisted living homes or walking dogs at your local animal shelter.
- Participate in fundraising drives like baked sales for charity or canned food drives around the holidays.
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Be honest, ethical, and authentic. Sometimes people get the idea that there are certain "types" of guys that you can easily classify men into, and that by becoming that "type" of person you will become appealing. It might be true that if you change yourself to be someone you're not, you could attract a girlfriend. But that relationship would be based on a lie that you will have to continue indefinitely in order to sustain that image. Live your life and conduct your relationships in ways that are genuine, honest, and uniquely you.^{[6]
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- If you're not into something, like a specific kind of music or a sport, don't lie, even if the girl you're interested in feels differently. Most people will not take it personally if some of your interests are not mutual, and if she does that might be a sign you're not very compatible.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Avoiding Negative Qualities

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Don't be misogynistic or sexist. Women find it unappealing when men are bitter or look down on women. This applies whether it's a personal comment about her, other women you've dated, or women in general. No one is going to want to spend time around someone who treats them disrespectfully and unkindly.^{[7]
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- For starters, don't make rude comments about women, label them as "crazy," claim they belong in the house, or call them derogatory names.
- Women are really just people. Ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you were a woman and use this as a gauge.
- Ask the women around you--sisters, mothers, friends, and coworkers--what kinds of behavior they find offensive and be sure to avoid doing these things.
- If you have problems with disliking women as a whole, you likely have some personal issues that you need to take some time to address. Try to figure out why you feel this way, and seek counseling to work your way through it.
2
Don't be gross. Women don't want to date a guy who has no manners and lacks in personal hygiene. It should be obvious, but don't pick your nose, spit, scratch your butt, or clip your nails in public. If you wouldn't want your grandmother to see you doing it, don't do it.
3
Don't be a flirt. Some men make the mistake of thinking that being a ladies' man means flirting with all the women they're around, even if their date is present, or bragging about previous girls they've dated. What this really communicates to women is that you don't respect them, particularly not the girl you should actually be trying to charm.^{[8]
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- At the very least you need to not engage in this sort of behavior in your date's presence, but preferably you should not do it at all.
- You should never, ever cat-call a woman (that is, whistle or make inappropriate sexual comments to women on the street). This is not a compliment but a form of sexual harassment.^{[9]
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4
Avoid unnecessary arguments with her. Although there is a lot of talk about two people needing to have some kind of chemistry, being on a date or in a relationship should not feel like being in a debate class. Many people find arguing to be stressful and unpleasant, and you don't want to give the impression that you're judging her. Wait until your relationship has become more established before getting into philosophical debates and instead let things go and switch topics if things become too heated.^{[10]
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- Brainstorm a number of interesting topics that you two can talk about beforehand, like where she grew up, or what kinds of hobbies you two like, your favorite vacation destinations, that sort of thing.
- Telling a woman what to do, how to do, or why to do something, especially when you are ignoring her own life experiences in favor of a man's, is often referred to as "mansplaining." It's considered unattractive and disrespectful.^{[11]
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5
Don't be overly cheap. Most women will not expect you to spend indiscriminately, but if you take a girl on her first date to your favorite fast food joint or ask her to pay half at a very expensive restaurant that you suggested, she may think less of you for that. Think about it: a date is a chance to show her that you think she's special and to treat her so: if you act cheap, you're communicating that you don't value her or your potential relationship with her.^{[12]
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- Avoid mentioning words like "saving" and "budget" for the first few dates.
- Plan your dates wisely. You can pick restaurants that you know have a menu in a price range you can afford by looking them up online first or choosing to eat at lunch time instead of dinner. You can also try making dates that might be cheaper overall, like making a romantic picnic in the park or taking her out to a famous local destination for sightseeing instead of eating.
6
Treat everyone around you well. Whether you're at work, on a date, or at school, be careful that you treat everyone around you with a minimum level of respect. This means don't pick fights, yell, insult people, act egotistical, and in general avoid copping an antagonistic attitude. Women are often watching how you treat other people around you, and not just them, to get a feel for how you might treat them later on or people they care about.^{[13]
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- This includes people serving you, like waitstaff or salespeople.
- If you find yourself in a situation where you're getting upset because something didn't go right (say you waited an hour for your food to come and when it did it was cold), take a few deep and slow breaths before speaking in an even, calm voice. Politely say "I'd like to speak to a manager." When they arrive, without blaming anyone, explain the exact problem and why you are so upset before asking them to please do what they can to make it right.
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Don't be needy. Although everyone gets down in the dumps every once and awhile, you should avoid being overly insecure and dependent. Particularly at the beginning stages of a relationship, you want to show that you've got things together and you're not a hot mess just waiting to fall apart on her.^{[14]
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- Don't talk a lot about previous relationships that didn't work out or express deep fears of failure on the first couple of dates. Until you have gotten to know each other better, say after several months of steady dating, this is often considered oversharing.
- If you have overwhelming or chronic feelings of anxiety or sadness about your work, friendships, or current or past relationships during the time period before you can share but have no one else you can talk to about it, seek counseling from a licensed therapist to help you work through your problems.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Treating Women Right

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Compliment her. Everybody likes to hear that they're liked and why someone finds them attractive. It's a good way to boost her self esteem and make her feel special. Be sure that your compliments are specific--instead of saying "I think you're beautiful," which she has probably heard before and is very vague, try saying "I like your freckles, I think they're cute," or "I love your perfume, it makes you smell so good."
- Compliments that take note of both her inner and outer qualities, like "That dress looks great on you, it really brings out the color of your eyes," are especially good. This compliments not just her physical features but also her choice of dress (and therefore her decision making abilities). Women want to be valued for their minds as well their physical bodies.
- Avoid comments that are sexual in nature until you are in a much more established relationship: you should wait until after the second or third date at least. Many women will not be comfortable receiving overt sexual attention too early on, and it's better to air on the side of caution than risk offending her.
2
Show her you care. Although being told that someone cares is great, women want to be shown that you care too. Although this can mean giving gifts, this can also boil down to displays of affection: kisses, hugs, hand holding, and that sort of thing. The whole point of dating someone is being with them and feeling close to them; if you're too distant and emotionally unattached that's not good.
- Gifts do not have to be expensive: although many girls do like candy and flowers, something that you have taken the time to make yourself, like a piece of art, a poem, a song, or something you've handcrafted like candles, will also make her happy. It's not the price tag on the gift but the thought that went into it that should matter.
3
Share your feelings and talk regularly. No one can know what's on your mind unless you say it, so it's important that you communicate effectively. Once you've gotten past your second or third date, a girl is going to want to start to know what you're thinking and feeling: how your day was, the things that trouble you, what made you happy, how you're feeling, etc. Talk about the things that matter to you, like important projects or personal setbacks, and don't be afraid to admit when something matters, even if it feels like it should be too small to be noteworthy.
- There is no hard and fast rule as to how much communication is too much or too little, especially since each person's or couple's life circumstances may make this vary greatly. If one of you owns your own business or is busy 12 hours of the day working, then you may not be able to talk as much. Talk with her to find out how much you both agree is the right amount: as long as you two are happy, whether you talk or see each other every day or only once a week is fine.^{[15]
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Listen to her. Relationships can't survive without good, healthy communication, and women want a man that is both capable of expressing himself and listening to her. Listening to someone is a sign that you respect them as a person and value their thoughts and experiences. If you don't want to listen to the person you're with, chances are that's not the right person for you. Practice good listening skills.^{[16]
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- Keep eye contact and face her when she's speaking.
- Stay relaxed but pay attention and refocus on the conversation if your attention starts to wander.
- Keep an open mind and don't be too quick to pass judgments.
- Don't interrupt her, particularly not to give solutions. Wait until you're sure she's finished before you begin to speak. Cues in her speech pattern (a long, uninterrupted pause after a completed thought) and tone of voice (the ending high tilt for a question or a low tilt for a statement) will let you know when you can speak.
- Ask questions when she pauses to clarify anything you don't understand, and only give advice if it seems like she wants it.
- Try to understand her feelings and be empathic by giving good feedback, like "That really sucks," or "I'm so happy for you," depending on what you're being told. Basically, try to be supportive, even if you don't have any advice to give.
- Pay attention to any nonverbal cues, particularly those being given through body language and facial expressions, which will help you understand how she is feeling.
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Respect her boundaries. There may be times when the girl you like expresses that she doesn't want to do something, like talk about a sensitive subject (ex: a family member's mental illness) or having sex. It's very important that you respect her if she says no and don't try to force her to do something that she isn't ready to, whether this is talking or acting. This builds trust, and most likely in time she will be ready to share with you whatever she's been holding back.
- If you want her to realize that you want to be supportive, or that you still want her to feel comfortable coming to you in the future, try saying something like "Okay, I understand and respect your feelings. But if you ever change your mind, just let me know. I'm here for you."
6
Get involved in her hobbies. Being in a relationship means that a girl is looking for someone to spend time with. Especially if you don't have any interests that already overlap, you should try to get to know what she likes to do and get involved too. This could be anything from finding a similar band that you're both into to books that you like or playing video games--girls have interests just as diverse as boys, and she'll be touched that you care enough to find out what she likes and to try it out, too.
- Don't assume that you know what she likes based on her looks or other women you know; every person is different. Ask her what kinds of things she enjoys, and pay attention when you have conversations or are hanging out. Likely she will mention things in conversations that she does, like yoga or watching horror movies.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I become the kind of person that everyone likes?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Just be yourself and focus on your personal growth. If you change the way you are to try to be attractive to everyone, it's just not going to work.
Question

What does every girl want in a relationship?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

People want to be heard, appreciated, and respected. So long as you're communicative, kind, and you approach conflict from a place of empathy, they'll be happy!
Question

I keep asking questions but she doesn't seem to like talking to me. What can I do?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

People like answering questions and this is a great way to get someone talking, but only to a certain extent. If you're asking more than a few questions every time the two of you talk, it's going to come off like you're pestering them. Just take it easy on this and try to relax! It can take time for someone to open up to you.

Warnings

She might show signs of getting bored, don't be persistent and just leave her alone for the time being.

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'Don't be too clingy or try to force a relationship.

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