How to Be an Empathetic Friend

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 16, 2023 References

Empathy is the ability to understand how another person feels and the willingness to alter one's behavior in light of how others feel.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} You probably show empathy to people in your life without even realizing it, though some individuals are naturally more empathetic than others. If you want to become more empathetic, especially to your friends, you can practice developing empathy and becoming more understanding of others.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Focusing On Your Friend

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Be an active listener. One of the best ways to show empathy to a friend is by listening to what they have to say. It can be easy to get caught up in your own thoughts during a conversation or to get distracted by other things in your environment while your friend is talking. However, a truly empathetic friend will listen actively and attentively to a friend in need.^{[2]
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- Make eye contact with your friend while they speak.^{[3]
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- Minimize distractions. Turn your cell phone off and/or put it away so you won't be tempted to check it while your friend is talking.^{[4]
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- Don't try to give advice and don't think about what you're going to say while your friend talks.
- Focus on simply listening attentively, nodding periodically to show that you're engaged.
- When your friend stops talking, ask open-ended questions about what your friend is going through. However, respect the fact that your friend may not want to talk about some things in detail.
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Resist the urge to judge your friend. Real empathy requires you to set aside your judgments and accept another person as they are. That includes accepting that person's suffering for what it is and experiencing an emotional response to it.^{[5]
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- Remember that your friend doesn't need to feel worse about anything they're going through. As their friend, it's your duty to offer support and kindness.
- Imagine how you would feel if you opened up to your friend about something difficult and they made you feel judged or shamed.
- Take your imagined scenario a step further: instead of judgmental behavior, what type of behavior would actually help you during difficult times?
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Reflect on what your friend says. Another way to show empathy while your friend speaks is to reflect out loud on what that friend has said. This can help show that you're concerned for your friend and that you're engaging with their thoughts and feelings.^{[6]
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- Don't repeat what's said word-for-word. This may come across as condescending or impersonal.
- Rephrase what your friend says back to them, then ask them follow up questions.
- For example, if your friend says that no one at work understands them, you might reflect by saying, "I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time. It sounds like you're having a hard time connecting with your coworkers - why do you think that is?"
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Offer continued assistance. Sometimes a friend going through something difficult just needs someone they can talk to or vent about their problems. They may not be looking for advice or anything beyond the company of a reliable friend.
- Let your friend know that you're available if they need to talk or simply want to spend time together.
- Follow through on your offer if your friend needs you. Make yourself available as much as possible, especially if your friend is going through a difficult time.
- Continue to practice showing empathy every time you and your friend spend time together.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Cultivating Empathy

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Get curious about others. In order to feel empathy for someone, you have to have a real interest in how that person feels. It makes sense, then, that one of the most important aspects of empathy is having a basic curiosity about other people and the lives they lead.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Try taking note of other people's actions and body language. Eavesdrop on snippets of conversations when you're out in public places.
- Spend some time thinking about what other people are doing on a day-to-day basis.
- This can be done in fleeting moments. Make a point of noticing other drivers' faces and their expressions while you're stuck at a red light.
- Think about where those individuals are going, what they're doing, and what's going on in their lives right now.
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Recognize what others need and want. Part of feeling empathy for someone entails being aware of their wellbeing as well as their needs and wants.^{[8]
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Research source} If you're unfamiliar with recognizing others' needs and wants, you can start by practicing on people you know.
- If you notice that your friends or family members look upset, ask them what's wrong and what they need or want in that moment.
- You might be able to use contextual clues to determine what someone needs. For example, if someone is shivering, you can safely assume that they're cold and would like warmer clothing or shelter from the elements.
- You can also imagine yourself in someone else's condition and ask yourself, "What would I want or need in that moment?" This can help you better understand someone else's suffering.
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Try caring for an animal. Having a general desire to help someone or something is generally considered an important component of empathy. Spending time with an animal makes you more likely to feel empathy for that animal and want to help it any way you can.^{[9]
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Research source} For this reason, caring for an animal may actually help some individuals develop a stronger sense of empathy for other people.
- Try to spend some time volunteering at an animal shelter if you can. You can also try caring for an animal at home.
- Over time you may be able to build your empathy for others by deepening your concern for the animal.
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Practice speaking in an empathetic voice. You may not always be aware of it, but how you say something is often just as important as what you actually say. If you're trying to become more empathetic, it may be helpful to train yourself to sound more caring and concerned when speaking to a friend.^{[10]
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- Use a recording device to tape yourself saying something empathetic like "I'm sorry that happened to you."
- Say your chosen empathetic phrase several times in different tones of voice and record each version.
- Listen to your recorded phrasings and determine which one would sound most consoling to you.
- Practice the phrasing you chose so that it comes more naturally to you in conversation. You may want to practice in front of a mirror so you can be aware of your facial expression, too.
- Practicing an empathetic voice and expression doesn't mean you're faking the emotions or being insincere. It's simply a way to become more aware of your own mannerisms and body language.
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Be patient with yourself. Most people have the capacity to feel empathy for others, or to at least experience cognitive empathy (not feeling the same emotion, but recognizing that you need to show kindness to someone).^{[11]
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Research source} However, empathy can come more easily to some people. If it doesn't come instantly to you, be patient and keep practicing.
- Recognize that some people have a hard time experiencing or expressing empathy due to a strong sense of individuality.^{[12]
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- Remember that this doesn't mean you're less capable than others; you may just need to spend more time and effort working on it.
- Be patient and keep practicing. In time you will develop the ability to show empathy to your friends, and even to other people you don't like or don't know.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Extending Empathy to People You Don't Like

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Be aware of your thoughts and feelings. Often when you encounter someone you don't like, it's easy to feel angry or frustrated with that person. When feelings of anger arise, it can be incredibly difficult to transition into feeling empathy for that person. The key, then, is to try to catch yourself before that anger has fully blossomed.
- Notice any physical sensations you might be having when you encounter someone you don't like.
- For example, if you're frustrated, you might be feeling flush or experiencing a rapid heartbeat. By contrast, if you're feeling empathetic you might actually feel some degree of sadness.
- Whenever you catch yourself having thoughts or feelings that interfere with your ability to feel empathy, take a moment to breathe slowly and deeply. Concentrate on letting go of negative emotions and open yourself to the other person's feelings.
- Once you're calmer, you should be able to humanize the other person and at least see their struggles as relatable. It's okay if you don't feel empathetic immediately, but you should continue working on it if you want to develop a stronger sense of empathy.
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Focus on what you have in common. One of the best ways to humanize someone you don't know or don't like is to consider how they're similar to you. Even though your lives are different, you still have the same basic needs and wants.^{[13]
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- Think about all the ways that an individual is probably similar to you.
- Like you, everyone you meet has hopes and dreams as well as fears and insecurities.
- If you look closely enough, you may even find some similarities between you and the person you're focusing on.
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Walk a mile in the other person's shoes. In order to truly humanize someone, some individuals need to actually understand why a person feels, thinks, and behaves the way they do. One way to do this is by following the old adage of walking a mile in someone else's shoes. You can do this literally by trying out someone's hardships for a day, or figuratively by imagining the hardships of someone's life.^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Even if you haven't experienced what someone else is going through, you have the capacity to imagine what such an experience must be like.^{[15]
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- Try to relate someone's suffering to something you have experienced, then contextualize it to understand what that person is most likely going through.
- For example, while you may still have both parents, you have probably experienced the death of a grandparent, aunt/uncle, or another relative. As a result, you can imagine how much more intense it must be for someone to lose a parent.