How to Find a True Friend

Co-authored by Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Last Updated: December 7, 2022 References Approved

True friendship is one of the deepest relationships you can have with another person. A true friend is there for you through thick and thin - they'll laugh with you, they'll cry with you, they'll bail you out of jail if necessary. Here are some ideas on how to go about finding that special person.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Putting Yourself Out There

1
Take the initiative. When it comes to finding a true friend, you can't afford to be lazy. A real friend won't just magically materialize on your doorstep, so you need to be willing to put some work in. Take matters into your own hands and start socializing.^{[1]
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- Stop waiting for other people to do the work for you. Call people up and ask if you can hang out with them, or organize an event yourself.
- Don't worry about seeming desperate or needy. Focus on you and your goal. If it all works out in the end, then who cares?
- Try to hang out in such a way that no one feels you are clinging to them in desperation or friend-poverty. If there is a group, make eye contact with everyone, and not directing your speech singularly.
2
Meet new people. You won't make friends by sitting at home alone every night. You need to be proactive, so force yourself out of the house and meet as many people as possible. It might be intimidating at first, but it'll be worth it in the end.^{[2]
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- One of the easiest ways to meet people is through friends you already have. Tag along to a party or social event and get your friend to make the introductions.
- Meet people through hobbies or classes. Friends are generally people that you share a common interest with, so the people you meet through hobbies or classes are excellent potential friend material.
- Meet people through work. You might have a work colleague who you feel a connection with, but you've never hung out socially. Now is the time.
- Meet people online. Sometimes there's a stigma attached to meeting people online, but it can be a genuinely great way to meet people. Blogging, social networking and posting on online forums are all perfectly viable ways of socializing.
- Avoid going to places that have one focus. This means that you shouldn't try to get a chance at cinemas and theaters, since there the main focus is on the screen and you won't meet too many people there except by chance. Public places like tea and coffee shops, parks and bars help a lot in socializing. However, there are other places with a friendly environment that you shouldn't hesitate to try out.
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3
Don't be oversensitive. Meeting people for the first time can be tough. They may seem disinterested or unwilling to make an effort. Or else you might hit it off instantly, but you never hear from them again. Don't be disheartened. Finding a true friend takes time. You should realize that a friend you have earned with a lot of hard effort is commonly a true friend.
4
Don't be picky. Keep an open mind about who you hang out with. When you're trying to make friends, being picky is not a good strategy. Your initial goal is to meet as many people as possible, so talk to everybody and keep an open mind. This will help you determine about people's personalities and know who to stay away from and what good characteristics should be present in a good friend.
- Even if you meet someone who looks or seems like someone you'd have nothing in common with, talk to them and give them a chance. They might turn out to be your truest friend!
- You're not going to know a true friend at first sight - you'll have to get to know them first - so consider every possibility!
5
Be persistent. Even if your first attempt at putting yourself out there isn't as successful as you had hoped, don't despair! People can take a little while to warm up, so the second or third time meeting someone might go a lot better than the first.
- If you invite someone to hang out, don't be upset if they can't make it. Chances are they have a genuine excuse, it's not because they don't like you. Give it a week or two, then ask again.
- Sometimes it just won't work out with someone and that's okay. Consider it a practice run for when you meet the real deal.
6
Be patient. It takes time to really get to know someone, especially when you're looking for true friendship.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 21 September 2021.} If you continue to put yourself out there and make an effort to hang out with as many people as possible, eventually you'll find someone you genuinely connect with.^{[4]
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- Be realistic about how much time it'll take to really get to know someone. Sure, you might hit it off and feel like you've known someone for ten years rather than ten minutes, but usually it'll take much longer, depending on how often you hang out.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Chloe Carmichael, PhD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 21 September 2021.}
- In the right situations, you can make new friends very quickly - like when you start college, move to a new city, or join a sports teams.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Getting to Know One Another

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Start a conversation. The first step in getting to know a potential friend is to strike up a conversation. Believe it or not, very interesting conversations can start up with, "The weather is sure cold!". Another way is to find out a little bit about them and their interests. Once you get started on an interesting topic, the rest will come naturally.^{[6]
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- Try making a general comment or asking a question about something generic, just to break the ice. For example, "Great party, huh?" or "How do you know John?"
- Try to listen more than you talk. Show that you're interested in what they have to say. Even if you find their speech boring, try to appear concentrated in order to not hurt the other's feelings.
- Find out about their interests and hobbies. If you can find something you have in common, the conversation will flow more freely.
2
Get their contact information. If you hit it off with someone, make sure to get their contact information before you part ways, you'll need it if you want to organize to meet up with them again.
- Get their phone number or email address, or ask if they're on Facebook. It doesn't matter as long as you have a way of reaching out to them.
- Be sure to give them your contact details too. They might just invite you to do something fun.
3
Invite them to hang out. Here is where a lot of people falter. It's fun to meet people once and make friends with them on Facebook afterwards, but you won't develop a true friendship unless you take the next step and invite them to hang out. Hang outs are not necessarily about going to Starbucks and buying a Coffee Espresso for both of you! Try new and fun ideas, like consider going on a long-drive if you have a car^{[7]
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- You don't need to invite them to do anything special, just ask them if they'd like to go for a drink or hang out at the beach.
- Even if they can't make it, they'll probably be flattered you asked. Try again in a week or so. Let them have their space otherwise they will think you are too clingy.
4
Accept every invitation. It's good to make your own plans to meet up with people, but if you get an invitation it's even better. Think of it as an easy opportunity to get to know someone better or meet more people.
- Accept every invitation that's thrown your way, even if it's to see a movie you're not interested in or to play a sport you don't like. Once you're there, you will be glad that you made the effort.
- You don't want to get a reputation as the person who never shows up for anything. That's a surefire way to never get invited anywhere.
- If you really can't come, explain your reasons to the other person funnily and in such a way that they realize you aren't refusing to your own option but on a real excuse.
5
Give the relationship time to grow. Deep, meaningful relationships don't just blossom overnight - you need to nurture them and allow them time to mature.^{[8]
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Research source}^{[9]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 21 September 2021.}
- Once you've made the initial steps and established a routine of hanging out, just repeat, repeat, repeat.
- To become a true friend with someone, you need to hang out fairly often, keep in touch, enjoy good times together, and get to know each other on a deeper level.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

What To Look For in a True Friend

1
Look for someone you can have fun with. A true friend is someone that you have a great time with. You should be able to make your own fun, laugh together, get in trouble, and genuinely enjoy one another's company. It's not necessary that you have to laugh with your true friend---deep and meaningful conversations for a long period of time are usually are helpful to nurture a friendship.
2
Look for someone who will be honest with you. A true friend will always be honest with you, no matter what. It doesn't matter whether it's about something trivial, like whether your outfit looks good on you, or something life-altering, like if they found out that your partner is cheating on you. A true friend will never keep you in the dark. This doesn't include their telling you about their personal affairs all of a sudden. This will take a little time since your friendship isn't that ripe yet!
3
Look for someone who will be loyal to you. A true friend will be fiercely loyal to you, whether you're present or not. This means that they'll stand by you, even if they don't agree with your decisions and stick up for you when nobody else will. However, don't expect them to stand up for you when you truly are wrong. If they do, reconsider their being a good friend.
4
Look for someone trustworthy. You can trust a true friend with anything, whether it's to feed your cat while you're on vacation or to keep your deepest, darkest secrets.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 21 September 2021.} If your secrets litter around the whole school, and the only person you have told it to would be your best friend, then they are not really considered real friends.
5
Look for someone dependable. A true friend is there when you need them, to share the good times and help you through the bad ones.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 21 September 2021.} They return your phone calls. They show up for the lame double date you made them agree to. They don't go M.I.A. when the going gets tough.
6
Look for someone supportive. A true friend is supportive of you and your goals. They won't try to change you, make you feel uncomfortable to holding you back.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 21 September 2021.}

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it okay to not tell your friends everything?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Absolutely! Above all else, you should want to confide in your friends instead feeling obligated to tell them every secret of yours. You can have a healthy friendship without sharing everything about your life!
Question

Is it OK to confide in a friend?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Confiding in a friend is fine as long as you're doing it in a quiet, private space. Also, make sure there's enough time for your friend respond and talk with you.
Question

What are the conditions of a good friendship?

Chloe Carmichael, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.”

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Trust and intimacy are really important markers of a healthy friendship. You should always feel known and seen by the other person.

Warnings

Not all people will be willing to be your friend, so just move on.

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Never give out your personal information online.^{[13]
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If you're chatting online, never try to meet up in person unless you're absolutely sure that this person is legitimate. It's hard to tell, but be extraordinarily cautious. This means not meeting someone in person right away, wait a year. If you do meet- always meet in a very public place where there is security. Also, bring a trusted friend, sibling or adult.^{[14]
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