How to Avoid Your Boyfriend Taking You for Granted

Co-authored by Laura Richer and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: October 26, 2021 References

In a strong, healthy relationship, both people put in equal effort. If your boyfriend expects more from you than he's willing to give in return, he might be taking you for granted. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to keep that from happening. We’ll cover a variety of different things you can say and do around your boyfriend to build a balanced relationship in which you both feel valued.

1

Do things for him because you want to.

Your boyfriend shouldn’t expect you to do things for him. Whenever you do something for your boyfriend, make sure it’s not just so you get recognition or because he expects it from you.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Really think about if it’s something that you want to do for them and that you’re okay if you don’t get reciprocation for it.^{[2]
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- For example, it’s okay to make lunch for your guy if it’s something you enjoy doing, but if he demands it from you or gets upset when you don’t, then he may be taking it for granted.

2

Say no to things you don’t want to do.

Avoid agreeing to things if it’s only to please him.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} If the guy asks you to do something and it’s not something you want to do, don’t be a people-pleaser and say yes.^{[4]
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Research source} Firmly tell him “no” and don’t feel the need to give any more explanation if you don’t want to. Being clear and honest will help him know that you’re not going to get pushed around by him.^{[5]
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- You can always try coming up with a compromise so you both get something you want. For example, if he wants to go to a party, but you want to stay at home, you may compromise to go to the party for a few hours before coming home for the rest of the night.

3

Put your feelings first.

Acting only on his feelings affects how you make your own decisions. It can be really easy to get caught up in other people’s feelings, but it gets a lot harder to gauge what you really want.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Rather than worrying about how your boyfriend is feeling, check-in with yourself to see what you’re experiencing and determine what you need emotionally.^{[7]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}

4

Communicate openly.

Set aside the time to chat for a few minutes every day. Keeping open communication nurtures a healthier relationship.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Try to avoid any distractions, like eating while you’re talking or leaving the TV on, or else it’s hard to really focus on one another. Take a little time to discuss your day, your feelings, and anything that’s on your mind so you feel more connected and appreciated.^{[9]
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- If you don’t live with your boyfriend, make time for a quick phone call when you’re both free so you have a chance to chat.

5

Tell him about your needs.

It’s okay for you to ask for specific things from your relationship. Your needs are just as important as your boyfriend’s, so focus on them equally in your relationship. Come up with a list of all the things you need from the relationship to feel fulfilled and appreciated.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Have a conversation with your boyfriend and go through each of the things on your list to make sure he understands them.^{[11]
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- For example, you may say, “I need to feel validated and supported in this relationship. Could you work on encouraging me more throughout the day?”
- As another example, you could say, “I need a few more intimate moments between us during the week.”

6

Set some personal boundaries.

Let him know your limits upfront so he doesn’t try to push them.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Write down the things that you don’t want to do or discuss so they’re clearly defined. Sit down with your boyfriend for a conversation and let him know about everything that would push your boundaries.^{[13]
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Research source} If he ever does something that tests your limits, be assertive and tell him right away so he doesn’t try doing it again.^{[14]
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- For example, you could say something like, “I will not tolerate it if you ignore me the entire night if we’re spending time with your friends.”
- As another example, you could say, “I need to be able to make big decisions about my life on my own, but I will ask for help if I need it.”

7

Speak up when he upsets you.

Telling him right away prevents him from doing it again in the future. Even though it might be easy to let a little thing slide, he may feel like he can get away with doing more and more. If the guy ever does something that you don’t appreciate, let him know what action upset you and why. Come up with solutions together to work through the issue and what he can do to improve the situation.^{[15]
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- For example, you could say, “It really hurt my feelings when you didn’t say thank you when I gave you your gift because I put a lot of thought into it. I’d appreciate it if we could be more grateful moving forward.”

8

Keep plans you make with your family and friends.

If you always cancel plans to hang out with him, he may come to expect it. Canceling plans on a whim just to see your guy might make him think you don’t have anything better to do. If you’ve made prior plans or have commitments that you enjoy, stick with them and let him know that your time is important to you.^{[16]
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- For example, you could tell him, “Hey, I’m spending time with my girlfriends this Friday night, but we can still get together for lunch on Sunday.”

9

Make some alone time for yourself.

Give him a little time to miss you so he values your time together. If something your guy says doesn’t sit right with you or tests your boundaries, go out and do something fun on your own. Go grab drinks, start a book you’ve been dying to read, or have a soothing spa night so you can just relax. While you’re having your me-time, don’t feel like you have to message him.^{[17]
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- That way, he’ll realize that he can’t treat you poorly and expect you to stay with him, so he may change his behavior.

10

Boost your self-confidence.

You won’t have to rely on your boyfriend if you see the good in yourself. While it’s always nice when your boyfriend says something that makes you feel good, it shouldn’t be the only thing that boosts your self-esteem. Make a mental list of the things you love about yourself, including your personality traits and talents, so you can see the impact you have on others. Use positive self-talk so you have a better perception of yourself and get a boost of confidence.^{[18]
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- Be sure to forgive yourself for any mistakes you’ve made in the past. That way, you can move on and feel less regret or guilt from them.

11

Leave if he disrespects your needs.

Walking away gives him a chance to see what he could do better. If your boyfriend doesn’t respect your boundaries or show appreciation for you, give yourself permission to leave the relationship. While it may seem a little drastic, you have a lot of value and don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t see that. Even taking a short break helps him realize that he has more to give in the relationship and that he shouldn’t rely on you.^{[19]
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- Remember that nobody can take you for granted unless you allow them to. If you stay in the relationship and don’t make any changes, then their behavior will continue.

Expert Q&A

Question

Does ignoring your BF work?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

Clear communication is always your best bet! Let your boyfriend know what your boundaries are, and what you are and aren't okay with doing.
Question

How do I know if my boyfriend is taking me for granted?

Laura Richer
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.

Laura Richer

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

Expert Answer

He might not respect your boundaries, and might try to push you into things that you aren't interested in.