How to Ask Your Partner for More Intimacy

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: March 14, 2022 References

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it can sometimes feel like you know everything about your significant other. That initial intimacy, or emotional closeness that you once felt toward each other might fade away a bit. Fortunately, getting that intimacy back isn’t hard—by asking your partner deep questions, you can grow closer together as a couple and reaffirm your love and connection.

1

“What are 3 things you and I have in common?”

Learn a little more about how your partner views your relationship. Try to get your partner to dive deep, and talk about things like your morals, your values, and your personalities. You can tell a lot about how your partner thinks about your relationship when they answer this question. Try other ones, like:^{[1]
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- “What do you like doing with me?”
- “What’s something you wish you and I did more of?”

2

“Are you happy with how often we spend time together?”

Check in about your quality time and your partner’s happiness. If you two don’t live together, they might be missing you throughout the week. Or, your partner might feel like they need a little more alone time, which is a great thing to discuss as a couple.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} You could also ask questions like:^{[3]
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- “Do you like texting throughout the day, or do you prefer talking face to face?”
- “How much alone time do you think you need?”

3

“What are 3 things I do that you couldn’t live without?”

See what your partner appreciates most about you. If your partner loves it when you take over a chore for them, they might really appreciate acts of service. If they love it when you give them a hug at the end of a long day, they might really like physical touch. Follow up with other questions like:^{[4]
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- “What’s your favorite way to express love?”
- “What is your love language?”

4

“What do you like most about our relationship?”

Check in with your partner about what they appreciate. You might talk about how you show love, how you support one another, or how well you two communicate.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} It’s a good idea to check in about the relationship overall to double check that your partner is happy.^{[6]
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Research source} You can also ask things like:
- “How well do we communicate with each other?”
- “What’s one thing we could work on in our relationship?”

5

“How can we improve our sex life?”

Sexual intimacy is important, too! If you feel like you and your partner’s sex life has been a little lacking lately, open up the conversation for you to both talk about.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} You could chat about the frequency, the spontaneity, or even the positions. Then, you can decide if you need to switch it up or change anything.^{[8]
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Research source} Follow up with other questions like:
- “What’s one thing you want to try in the bedroom that we haven’t done yet?”
- “Do you have any sexual fantasies that you want to share with me?”

6

“What was your first impression of me?”

Have your partner think back to when you two first met. This might seem like an out-of-the-box question, but the answer can give you some insight as to how your partner sees you. You can talk about what you thought of your partner and how your impressions of each other have changed over time.^{[9]
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Research source} Try asking other questions like:
- “What did you think of me after our first date?”
- “How did your impression of me change as you got to know me?”

7

“When did you realize you loved me?”

Think back to when you knew your partner was the one. Ask your partner if there’s one single moment they can pinpoint, or if they fell for you gradually over time. This is another fun way to reflect on how far you’ve come in your relationship. Ask other questions too, like:^{[10]
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- “Was it love at first sight with me?”
- “When did you admit to yourself that you might be falling for me?”

8

“Is there anything you haven’t told me that you want to share?”

Give your partner an open platform to divulge any info they want. Sometimes, we keep things from our partner so that we don’t hurt their feelings or burden them. If you think that your partner has been keeping something from you, calmly ask them this question to get a read on what it might be.^{[11]
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Research source} You could also ask:
- “Is there anything that keeps you up at night?”
- “Are you holding anything back from me right now?”

9

“What is your biggest fear?”

Learn what your partner is afraid of to understand them better. Some people might simply answer with something like “spiders” or “the dark,” but other people might dive a little deeper, with things like “being alone,” or, “living life with regret.” Try to get into these more intimate answers to understand your partner a little better and learn more about what motivates them. You might also ask:^{[12]
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- “What were you most afraid of as a kid?”
- “Are you still scared of the dark?”

10

“What job would you have if money wasn’t a factor?”

Sometimes our dream jobs just aren’t realistic. You can learn what your partner dreams of doing if they had all the time and money in the world with this simple question! Not only will you learn more about their goals in life, but you might learn what they like to do for fun, too. You could also ask something like:^{[13]
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- “What did you want to be when you were growing up?”
- “Did you always want to be a (current profession)?”

11

“What’s the most important thing on your bucket list?”

Find out what your partner wants to do before they kick the bucket. We all have a bucket list in our heads, even if we haven’t written it down on paper. You can ask your partner this question to hopefully help them achieve that goal, whether that’s now or way, way in the future. Try asking other questions too, like:^{[14]
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- “What’s something you want to do before you die?”
- “If today was your last day on earth, what would you do?”

12

“What would you do if you won the lottery?”

Let your partner indulge in their wildest fantasy. See what they would do with an almost unlimited amount of money—they might be practical and say that they’d pay off their debts and buy a house, or they might go crazy and travel the world or go on a shopping spree. It can tell you a lot about how your partner spends their money. You can also ask questions like:^{[15]
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- “What would you do if someone handed you $100,000 right now?”
- “What’s the most amount of money you’d need to live comfortably?”

13

“What makes you laugh the hardest?”

Your partner might tell you a hilarious story you’ve never heard before. Or, you might just learn a little bit more about their sense of humor. Figuring out what makes someone laugh is a great way to get them giggling, and it’s something you can use all throughout your relationship. Try asking other questions, like:^{[16]
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- “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you this week?”
- “When’s the last time you laughed so hard that you cried?”

14

“What makes you feel accomplished?”

Learn more about what makes your partner feel proud. If they’re really into their career, they might talk about finishing a work project or getting a thumbs up from their boss. If they have a hobby they’re super into, they might talk about learning a new skill or meeting up with other hobbyists. You can also ask things like:^{[17]
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- “When was the last time you felt really proud of yourself?”
- “Do you like it when other people praise you?”

15

“What do you value most in a friendship?”

Your partner's friends can tell you a lot about them. Whatever your partner values in a friendship, they probably value in a relationship, too. Things like loyalty, honesty, and kindness go a long way in a lot of friendships.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} You can also ask things like:^{[19]
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- “What are some friendship deal breakers you have?”
- “Describe your best friend in 3 words.”

16

“When did you last cry in front of someone?”

Have your partner open up about their emotions with you. Talking about a sad time can be pretty tough, so be prepared to comfort your partner as you two talk. You can also learn how they express their emotions—if the last time they cried in front of someone was a long time ago, they might be a little hesitant to talk about their feelings. Try other questions like:^{[20]
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- “How do you cheer yourself up when you’re feeling down?”
- “Who’s your go-to comfort person?”

17

“What’s your favorite way to spend the day off?”

See how your partner likes to relax with this simple question. Learning how someone lowers their stress levels is very important in a relationship—there’s a good chance you’re going to have to help them relax at some point. Take note of what they like to do to unwind, and ask them other things, like:^{[21]
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- “How do you practice self-care?”
- “What’s your go-to activity for de-stressing after work?”

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you fix lack of intimacy?

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

The most important thing is to find a way to talk about what you're observing with your partner. Verbalize it and ask questions about what's happening for them and try to be open and curious.
Question

Can intimacy be restored?

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Yes, it can, but you gotta talk it through. A lot of people ask the questions and then want immediate results, but this puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on the relationship and is not the way to go. You two have to understand how you got where you are at before removing the obstacles and being intimate again.