How to Amicably End a Relationship

Last Updated: May 6, 2021 References

Not all relationships can last forever. This means that ending a relationship is an inevitable part of being human. However, ending a relationship on a good note is often more desirable than ending it in rage and frustration. If you're in a struggling relationship and feel that it's time for it to end, you might want to know how to amicably end a relationship. Keep a tight rein over your emotions and keep the emotions of the other party in mind.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Choosing the Right Time and Place

1
Wait for the right time. If you've decided it's time to end your relationship, the first thing to figure out is when to do it. If you want things to end amicably, you'll want to choose a time when ending the relationship will result in as little disruption to the other person's life as possible.
- It may be tempting to try to get it over with right away, once you've decided to end a relationship. Instead, try to pick a time--soon--when you can have this difficult conversation that won't cause any more trauma than necessary.^{[1]
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- If possible, avoid breaking the news on major holidays, right before the person has to go to some important meeting or function, or in conjunction with other major life setbacks like the loss of a job, parent, or pet. Be sensitive to these situations, and be willing to push the schedule back a few days if necessary.
2
Choose the right moment. Pick a time that you won't be rushed, setting aside a couple of hours for the conversation.
- Having a time limit for the conversation in mind is a good idea, in case things get out of hand.^{[2]
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  Research source} Decide in advance how much time you will spend, and if you can, make plans that require you to depart at the end of that time.
- By the same token, do make sure you have enough time to have an honest conversation about the topic and answer any reasonable questions the other person may have.
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3
Choose a good place to have the conversation. Choose a good place to have this conversation. The best option is usually a place that is neutral and semi-private.^{[3]
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- You don't want to choose a place that is completely private, as this increases the possibility of the other person making a scene or giving emotional speeches that might persuade you to change your mind.^{[4]
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- By the same token, you don't want to do this in front of people you know or somewhere that every word you say will be overheard. This can be embarrassing and humiliating for the other person.
4
Do it in person. Do not plan to end the relationship via text, email, a social networking site, or even via phone call if you can help it. This detached way of ending a relationship may be easier for you, but it is disrespectful to the other person.
- Ending a relationship via text or email can also increase the possibility of misunderstandings, which could lead the other person to feel that there is still hope when there is not.^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Getting in the Right Mindset

1
Think about what you want to say. Plan out in your mind exactly what you want to tell the person. This will help you be clear, and will also help you stay focused on what you need to say if you start to lose your courage.
- Have answers ready for any questions you can anticipate the other person asking. He or she will almost certainly want to know why this is happening, and if there's any chance you will change your mind.^{[6]
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- Be specific about the grievances that have led you to this decision, and be clear about the fact that the relationship is over--this is not up for negotiation. Plan to say something like, "Because of X, I need to break up with you," not "I've been thinking maybe we need a break from each other."
2
Get some feedback. If you can, talk over what you plan to say with a trusted friend beforehand.^{[7]
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Research source} Ask your friend to tell you if anything seems unclear, and what questions they might anticipate the other person having.
- You can also ask your friend if you are being too harsh, or if anything you are saying might give the other person false hope.
3
Prepare yourself, mentally and emotionally. Ending a relationship is hard. It will be difficult, both for you and the other person. Expect an emotional reaction, and do your best to steel yourself for it.
- Think about what kind of support you may need after the conversation. Make plans in advance to do what you will need to do to take care of yourself.^{[8]
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- You may need some time alone afterwards. Or, you may want to meet with a friend. Think about what will be most helpful to you and make arrangements.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Ending the Relationship

1
Set a time. Once you feel prepared, you need to let the other person know that you need to have a talk about something important. This way, you can be certain that he or she also has enough time and that you won't be interfering with an important public, business, or social engagement.
- If you can help it, do not tell the other person you need to have this conversation until a few hours beforehand, at most. Especially if there are obvious issues in the relationship, the other person may spend a lot agonizing hours worrying about what's going to happen if you give him or her too much advance notice.^{[9]
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2
Be gentle, but honest. Don't be unkind or accusatory, but tell the person in simple and straightforward terms that the relationship is over, and explain why.
- Be specific about why it didn't work out. This can be a learning opportunity for the other person.
- For example, if you are breaking up with this person because he or she doesn't include you in other aspects of life (e.g. social outings with friends or meeting family), you might say: "I haven't felt like I'm really part of your life. When you go out with your friends, I feel uninvited, and I feel that you haven't been inclusive when I've asked to go. I also feel concerned that you haven't introduced me to your family. It makes me feel like I'm not that important to you. I think you're a great person, but that's not the kind of relationship that's going to make me happy, so I need to move on."
- It is ok to be honest about your feelings about the breakup as well. If this is difficult for you, let the other person know. It can help both you and him or her feel better about the situation.^{[10]
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3
Don't sugarcoat. While you want to be as kind as possible, you should not sugarcoat things or be too nice. This can send mixed signals that be confusing to the other person.^{[11]
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Research source} It can lead him or her to hold onto hope that you may change your mind. This doesn't do the other person any favors in the long run.
- It's possible for a breakup to be so nice that the other person doesn't realize what has happened. If this occurs, you'll have to go through the whole thing again.
- You would not want to say, for example, "I really love you, and I think this is something you need to work on." This could be interpreted to mean that if he or she made some changes, you'd be willing to continue the relationship.
4
Take responsibility. In most cases, when a relationship ends, both parties bear some responsibility. It's very seldom only person's fault. Acknowledge your responsibility for the end of the relationship.
- For example, you might say, "I probably should have spoken up more before now to let you know how I felt about these problems," or "I know there's more I could have done to make you part of my life, too." Statements like these will help the other person feel less as if she or he is being blamed for all the problems that have brought about the end of the relationship.
5
Provide a specific reason for the breakup. Using the "It's not you, it's me" line can make the other person feel like you really are blaming him or her. Instead, provide a specific reason for the the breakup based on your needs, but don't feel like you have to tell the person every single reason why you want to break up.^{[12]
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- For example, you might say something like, "I have noticed that I am becoming really critical of you and it is interfering with my ability to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend. That is not fair to you and it tells me that I am not ready for this kind of commitment."
6
Listen to the other person. You're not going to be the only person with something important to say in this conversation. Listen patiently and respectfully to the other person's response, and truthfully answer any questions she or he might have.
- The other person's response may be emotional. He or she may wish to tell you about their feelings. There may be difficult questions. Be prepared for and accepting of all of this.^{[13]
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- For example, if the other person bursts into tears, you might say "I understand that this probably hurts you a lot. I'm sorry this is so difficult for you."
7
Don't argue. While it is respectful to hear the other person out and answer any questions she or he may have, do not allow this to become an argument. This will benefit neither of you.^{[14]
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- If the other person starts making accusations or blaming you for the problems, you could say something like: "I know I wasn't a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend either, but this is how I feel. I really don't want to have an argument about it."
- If the person tries to talk you into remaining in the relationship, you can say something like, "I'm sorry, but my mind is made up, and I'm not going to change it."
8
Keep control over your emotions. However the other person responds, try to be the calm one in this situation. You've had time to prepare yourself, the other person has not.^{[15]
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- You may have very strong feelings about the relationship ending. The other person may react in a way that is hurtful to you. Regardless of how this plays out, take a deep breath and try to keep your emotions under control. Getting angry and having a fight now will definitely not promote an amicable split.
9
Be clear about the future. Tell the other person, in straightforward terms, what type of relationship you would like to have with them in the future. If you hope to still be friends, say so. If you don't want to see her or him again for awhile (or ever) say that, too.
- For example, if you hope to stay friends, you could say something like: "I hope after we both take a little time to heal, we can still be friends." If you do not want to have the other person in your life at all, be honest. Say something like: "I really think trying to be friends would be too difficult for me. It's probably best if we don't see each other anymore."
- Even if you want to stay friends, don't assume that will necessarily work out. The other person may not feel that way. Or, it may simply be too difficult for one or both of you.^{[16]
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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Keeping it Amicable Afterwards

1
Don't complain about your ex. There are many mistakes that people make after a relationship is over that can prevent the split from being truly amicable. One of these is a tendency to complain about the other person.
- If word gets back to the other person that you've been saying unkind things about him or her, this can be hurtful and ruin any chances of an amicable end to the relationship. You may have feelings you need to vent, but don't do it with anyone who is likely to share your comments with others.
- Definitely do not complain about this person to mutual friends.^{[17]
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- Don't vent on social media, either. If you don't think you'll be able to resist the temptation, just stay off social media for a few days until you are calmer about the situation.^{[18]
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2
Don't seek revenge. If you feel you've been wronged by the other person in the relationship in some way, it can be very tempting after a breakup to seek revenge in some way. It should go without saying that if you want things to be amicable, this is unacceptable.^{[19]
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- Do not, for example, get romantically involved with a friend of other person as means of getting back at him or her. Do not post embarrassing pictures of him or her on the internet, or go around revealing information that was told to you in confidence.
3
Divide any shared possessions fairly. Where many breakups turn nasty is when it comes time to divide shared possessions and/or return things that belonged to the other person. This can be especially difficult if you live with the other person. Approach this as calmly as possible, and be fair.
- Give back anything that legitimately belongs to the other person.
- Try to find a mutually agreeable compromise with shared belongings, asking, for example: "How would you feel if I took X and you take Y?"
- If the other person really wants something and it isn't that important to you, it may be worth just letting him or her have it. If it's not worth a fight, consider just letting it go.^{[20]
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4
Don't encourage lingering feelings. If the other person still has feelings for you and wants to get back together, do not encourage these feelings in any way, unless you are seriously considering getting back together.
- Sending mixed signals may be hard to avoid if you feel conflicted, but do your best. It isn't fair or respectful to the other person to string him or her along if you don't actually want to get back together.^{[21]
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- Even if you still have lingering feelings for the other person, or still find him or her attractive, you should keep that to yourself. It might make you feel good to say it in the moment, and it may even feel good for the other person to hear it in the short-term. However, this can make it harder for the other person to move on with life, which can lead to resentment and anger after a while.
5
Avoid intimate contact. Ending a relationship can be scary, for both parties. As a result, it's not uncommon for people to seek out the familiarity of intimate contact with someone they've recently broken up with. This should be avoided.
- Making out or having sex with someone you've just broken up with can feel good at the time. In the long run, though, it keeps you both from moving forward and can make the situation more painful and difficult for both of you.^{[22]
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6
Give it time. Even if you want to remain friends with the other person, expect and accept that you will probably need some time apart before this can happen. Recovering from a breakup is a painful process and it can take a long time.^{[23]
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Research source} Even if you are happy about the break up, your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend might be heartbroken. He or she will recover, but it will take a while, so try to be patient.
- Trying to be friends right away can make it harder for one or both of you to move on with your lives. Wait until you are sure that you and your ex are ready to be friends. This may take a few months or even years.

Warnings

Be prepared for the possibility that, even if you really want things to end amicably, this may not be realistic. Breakups, especially in long relationships, can be very emotional. Anger and bitterness are common. As hard as you may try to avoid a nasty split, sometimes it can happen anyway.^{[24]
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