How to Act Around Your Ex

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP and Glenn Carreau

Last Updated: July 16, 2022 References Approved

Breakups can be tricky to navigate when you have to see your ex around work or school all the time. It may be impossible to avoid being in the same room and even talking to your ex, but there are ways to make each encounter less painful. With some confidence and poise, you can skillfully manage interactions with your ex, whether you're trying to get over them, stay friends, or get back together!

1

Stay calm when you see your ex.

Remember, your ex is probably just as nervous as you are. Breakups can leave you feeling angry, sad, and lonely, and a chance run-in with your ex isn't the right time to vent those feelings. Do your best to stay composed when they're around. It's natural to be upset if your ex acts distant or turns hot and cold on you, but you can take steps to calm yourself down and avoid lashing out at them.
- It's okay to excuse yourself and take a few deep breaths when you get worked up. If you need to do more, take a short walk to get your body moving. Massage areas of tension to help yourself calm down.^{[1]
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2

Walk and talk with confidence.

Self-confidence can help you face your ex without being intimidated. You'll likely have a lot of powerful emotions when you see your ex, especially if they hurt or dumped you. However, you'll seem more approachable and less closed off when you have confidence. Use your body language to send a message of self-assurance, and work on building up your self-esteem in the wake of your breakup.
- Adopt a confident posture with your back straight, chest forward, and arms uncrossed.^{[2]
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- Make eye contact with your ex and pay attention to their expression to get a feel for their emotional state.
- Build self-esteem by cutting out negative self-talk, forgiving yourself for your mistakes, and encouraging yourself to grow and learn new things. By the time you face your ex, you'll be feeling great about yourself.^{[3]
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3

Dress to impress.

When you look good, you feel better about yourself too. It might be tricky to predict when you run into your ex, but if you can, wear an outfit that makes you feel cool and comfortable. Plus, after a breakup, it often feels good to change up something about your look—like getting a haircut or refreshing your wardrobe. Dressing your best will improve your self-confidence and help you make a good impression when you see your ex again.

4

Be polite.

This shows your ex that you can be the bigger, more mature person. Treat your ex like you'd treat any normal acquaintance in public. It's helpful to act this way if your ex dumped you or hurt you because they'll expect anger the next time they see you. Smile and wave, or have a pleasant conversation with them, and they'll see how strong and self-sufficient you really are.
- If you want to move on from your ex, you can be polite and civil without pretending that you will hang out regularly, which could come across as fake.

5

Make casual small talk.

Steer clear of discussing the breakup, which might upset you both. It's probably a bad time to talk about the relationship if you run into your ex while you're out and about. Instead, have a light and friendly conversation about something else; you could recap what you've been up to lately, discuss a cool project you're working on, or briefly mention upcoming weekend plans.
- Normal conversations with your ex should stay drama and negativity-free. If you want to have a deep discussion about your relationship, plan it out beforehand and go somewhere you can talk privately. ^{[4]
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6

Be yourself.

Your ex knows you well and can tell when you're not acting normally. You don't need to declare how great you're doing or how glad you are that you broke up if it's not true. False bravado may come off as strange or awkward to your ex. Present the best version of yourself to the rest of the world, but don't pretend to be someone you're not.

7

Keep your first few conversations short.

It's easy to get emotional and say hurtful things during long talks. Limit the amount of time you spend talking to them and offer a polite excuse if you start feeling uncomfortable. Longer interactions can also lead to an awkward silence, especially if your ex is acting cold and distant. To make things simple, just give a casual greeting, chat for a couple of minutes, and continue with your life.
- If you need to get out of a conversation, say something like, "I've got to go meet Casey for lunch. I'll catch you later, okay?"
- Alternatively, you could say, "I've got so much homework it isn't even funny! I should go get a head start on it now, but I'm glad we were able to chat for a bit. See ya!"

8

Go to social events like you always do.

Your relationship doesn't need to affect hanging out with mutual friends. You'll probably both be invited to special occasions if you share a friend group, like birthday parties, graduations, and weddings. Don't ignore each other, but don't sit together, either. That way, neither of you will be tempted to make a scene. Plus, you don't want to answer questions about whether you two are back together all night long.^{[5]
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- Resist the urge to talk negatively about your ex to other people when you're with a larger crowd. It probably won't make you feel better, and other people may think it's disrespectful.^{[6]
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- Let yourself feel sad when you see your ex at social events but don't let it ruin your day. You deserve to enjoy yourself!

9

Bring a friend with you.

Your friends can be a buffer, so you don't have to be alone with your ex. They can make sure conversations with your ex stay friendly and casual or give you an excuse to leave a conversation with your ex early. For example, if you're dreading class after a breakup, ask a friend if you can walk together and sit next to one another—at least for a few weeks while you get over the breakup.^{[7]
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- Stay in larger groups when you can. Any awkwardness between you and your ex will be less visible in groups.

10

Keep it brief if you're with someone new.

Flaunting your relationship status can make your ex uncomfortable. Make a friendly introduction if you run into one another, and then move on. You don't need to go out of your way to show off your date. Also, if there's a high chance you and your new date will run into your ex, make sure you've given your date a heads-up beforehand.^{[8]
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- Play it cool if your ex gets a new date, too. Introductions will probably be awkward for all of you, so be polite and easygoing throughout the exchange.
- When meeting your ex's date, or introducing yours, remember that everyone wants to get through the interaction as calmly—and probably quickly—as possible, and in that way, you are all on the same side.

11

Take it slow if you want to stay friends.

Rebuilding a friendship takes time and patience. Understand that you won't be able to have an easygoing dynamic right away, but you can build up to it. Limit your interactions and set boundaries with your ex. Make it clear that you'd like to be friends, but don't rush yourself (or your ex) if you're still processing feelings from the breakup.
- Boundaries are important because they'll serve as guidelines for your new friendship. Decide what you're comfortable saying and doing with your ex and how much physical and emotional space you want between you.^{[9]
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- Make sure you're pursuing a friendship for the right reasons. If you're secretly trying to get back together with your ex, it's better to have a conversation with them about it than pretend to see them as a friend.^{[10]
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- If your ex keeps blowing hot and then cold, it's better to steer clear of them. You don't need to get invested in someone who doesn't show you the respect you deserve!

Expert Q&A

Question

How should I act around my ex if we have kids together?

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

Christina Jay, NLP

Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach

Expert Answer

If you have kids with your ex and have to stay in each other’s lives, act civil around them. Try not to pry into their personal life too much, like who they are dating now.