Why Does He Keep Coming Back?

Co-authored by Connell Barrett and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

Is there a guy in your life who’s giving you mixed signals? One day you two are hanging out and having the best time, and the next day you can’t get ahold of him at all. Why would he keep coming back into your life if he doesn’t want to commit to you? While all guys are different, there are some common reasons why he may be stringing you along, either intentionally or unintentionally. In this article, we’ll list the reasons why he keeps coming back into your life, as well as some ways you can deal with him once and for all.

Things You Should Know

He may be giving you mixed signals because he’s afraid of commitment or he doesn’t know what he wants.
It’s possible that he’s using you, either for sex, validation, or attention.
If he’s your ex, he may be trying to win you back.
He could be toxic, controlling, or playing games with your feelings.

1

He has commitment issues.

Oftentimes, guys with commitment issues will leave you feeling confused. He might like the idea of a relationship, but when it comes to actually committing wholeheartedly to one, he’ll chicken out. Don’t be surprised if a guy like this proposes a friends with benefits situation, even after you’ve told him that you want more than that.^{[1]
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- Does he tend to ignore you or ghost you every time you try to define your relationship? If so, there’s a good chance that he has commitment issues. Talk to him about where the relationship is going before moving forward.

2

He’s been hurt before.

Maybe he’s wary because of his experience with past relationships. It’s unfortunate, but some guys have such bad exes that they’re scared to get into a new relationship. If he’s been cheated on or dumped before, he could be pulling back because he’s worried that the same things might happen again.^{[2]
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- Try talking to him about his issues and encouraging him to see a therapist. He owes it to himself and to you to work through these emotions.

3

He doesn’t know what he wants.

He may be trying to figure out if he wants a relationship or not. While this is similar to commitment issues, it can actually be even more confusing: if he doesn’t even know what he wants, how are you supposed to know? He may be coming in and out of your life because he changes his mind back and forth constantly.^{[3]
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- Maybe one day he promises that he wants to marry you and start a family, and then the next day he tells you he doesn’t want to be tied down. These mixed messages indicate that he’s trying to figure it out for himself, too.
- You deserve someone who’s ready to commit to you. If you want a serious relationship, it’s best to cut ties and find someone else.

4

He’s seeing other people.

Some men like to date multiple people at the same time. If he pops in and out of your life, he may be seeing you whenever he’s not busy with one of his other partners. While this is okay for casual flings, if you want a committed relationship, he’s probably not the guy for you.^{[4]
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- If you try to define the relationship, he might tell you he “wants to keep his options open.” This is a huge, glaring sign that he’s dating other people.

5

He likes you, but he’s not in love with you.

He might like you, but not enough to commit to you. While a guy might enjoy your company or really like taking you out on dates, there’s a chance that he’s giving off mixed signals because he’s not head over heels for you. This isn’t your fault at all—it’s on him to figure out his feelings and then communicate them to you.^{[5]
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- Him not loving you has nothing to do with you. Some people just aren’t meant to be together, and that’s okay. You deserve someone who’s infatuated with you, not someone who pops in and out of your life randomly.

6

He’s lonely.

He may be using you for your company. It’s possible that he enjoys spending time with you, but only when he’s feeling lonely or in need of a friend. If you find that he reaches out to you randomly, he may be doing it whenever he’s feeling isolated or hasn’t talked to his friends in a while.^{[6]
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- He may also need a lot of care and affection from you every time you two hang out. This shows that he’s using you to fill his emotional needs, but he’s not necessarily interested in doing the same with you.

7

He’s playing games with you.

Some guys only want to mess with nice people’s feelings. While it’s more likely your guy has commitment issues, there are some guys out there who don’t mind playing with other people’s feelings. He might like that he can show up whenever he wants and you’ll be available to him; that’s how he knows he’s got you hooked.^{[7]
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- If he’s doing this to you, there’s a good chance he’s doing this to other people, too. Guys like this love having multiple people at their beck and call.
- Your best move with a player is to drop him and leave him behind. Most likely, he won’t stop his playing ways anytime soon, and you don’t deserve to be with someone like that.

8

He’s using you as a rebound.

People use rebound relationships to get over their previous relationships. If the guy you’re seeing only recently broke up with their ex, there’s a chance that he’s using you so he doesn’t have to face his feelings. Unfortunately, it’s unlikely that a relationship like this will last, and your best move here is to break things off for good.^{[8]
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- Try talking to him about what you are to see if it’s serious or not. If he admits that he’s using you as a rebound, it’s time to end things.

9

He’s not over his ex.

He may be working through his feelings about his previous partner. Maybe the reason that he keeps disappearing from your life is because he realizes that he’s not over his ex. Then, he comes back into your life… only to realize that he’s still holding onto those feelings. It’s best to give him time to completely get over his ex before getting into a new relationship.^{[9]
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- This is similar to a rebound relationship, except that he might not realize that he’s doing this to you. A rebound is a bit more intentional, while something honestly trying to work through their feelings and get over their ex isn’t.

10

He’s only attracted to you physically.

He may be using you for sex and intimacy. When you two hang out, does it often involve having sex? If so, he might only like you because you two have a great physical connection. While this can be okay in a friends with benefits situation, it’s probably not what you’re looking for if you want a committed relationship.^{[10]
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- Try talking to him about this to see what kind of relationship he wants. If he’s not interested in a real relationship and he only wants a physical one, it might be time to move on.

11

He’s not over you.

If he’s an ex, he could be trying to get you back. Do you find that he pops up right when you feel like you’re over him? Exes have a knack for showing up at the worst possible moment. If you two have a history, he might be trying to win your affection by texting or calling you whenever he thinks about you.^{[11]
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- He might try to remind you of all the good times you two had, or even ask you for one last chance. If you’re not into him anymore, the best thing you can do is tell him that you don’t want to see him anymore.

12

You’re giving him mixed signals.

Maybe he can’t tell what you want from him. Think about your interactions in the past: is it possible that you did something unintentionally confusing? He may have been giving you space until you figured out what you wanted.^{[12]
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- For instance, maybe you were super busy with work one week and you didn’t respond to his texts or calls. He may have taken that as a sign that you didn’t like him anymore.

13

He doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

Toxic men will hang onto you because they like the attention you give them. It’s possible that while he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, he doesn’t want anyone else taking your attention, either. That’s why he pops back into your life just enough to get you hooked again, then leaves for a little while.^{[13]
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- If you feel like this is what he’s doing to you, it’s best to sever all ties with him. Block his number, unfollow him on social media, and don’t reply if he manages to reach out. Otherwise, you’ll have a tough time ending this cycle.

14

He likes validation.

He may be using you for a quick ego boost. Does this guy often swoon when you give him compliments? Or, maybe he loves when you show him off to your friends. This could be a sign that he likes the attention you give him, but he’s not into you all that much.^{[14]
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- Ask him randomly what he likes about you to get a read on things. If he can’t really name anything or gives you a half-hearted answer, it’s time to find someone who actually loves you for you.

15

He’s controlling.

He might enjoy the power that he has over you. Controlling guys enjoy the fact that they can get people wrapped around their fingers. You may notice that he loves it when you fawn over him and give him all of your attention. If that’s the case, he may just be using you to exert power.^{[15]
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- He may also be controlling if he constantly grills you about where you’ve been and who you’ve talked to that day, but will never tell you what his plans are or where he’s been.
- Controlling behavior is a big red flag, and it can lead to a toxic relationship down the line. It’s in your best interest to end the “relationship” with this guy as soon as possible.