Why Do I Still Think About the One That Got Away When I'm Married?

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Are you married, but you still can’t get your ex off your mind? There are lots of reasons why some memories make you smile and why certain moments are pretty unforgettable. Read on if you wonder about why you still think about the one that got away. We’ll share why you still reflect on past relationships and give you advice about how to appreciate the partner you have now.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional counselor, Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, founder of The Counseling Hub, LLC. Check out the full interview here.

Section 1 of 2:

Reasons You Still Think About the One That Got Away

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You're in touch with your emotions. Know that thinking about them is natural. Maybe you once adored your ex and loved the rhythms you two shared, so your mind still wanders to your ex. Memories of your ex are just opportunities to identify the standards you have for your love life. ^{[1]
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- You may appreciate a good quality about your ex. For instance, maybe you love people who crack jokes, and so you think about how your ex always made you laugh.
- A successful romance with your spouse can remind you of all the other times you were really affectionate with your ex.
- If you're going through a tough time, you're also likely to think about your ex. For example, maybe your spouse is distant, so you miss how much your ex hugged you.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
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You’re curious about how they’re doing. If a lot of time has gone by, it’s pretty standard to wonder about your ex. After all, a lot has changed about you since you’ve met them, including the fact that you’re now married. If you check out their social media or even ask about them, you might just want to know how their life has shaped up.^{[3]
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- You might also still have a lot of mutual friends. Your ex’s name may come up a lot, and their pictures could show up in your feed.
- You may want to compare what you were like with your ex to how you are with your spouse. Maybe you met your ex while you were still in school, and now you have a really successful career.
- It’s okay if you feel a little sad if you see your ex with someone else. It’s a natural reaction that will pass.
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You have fond memories of them. If you catch yourself smiling when you think about your ex, that’s totally okay. Even if you broke up, you still shared some good times with them.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.}^{[5]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.} Almost all relationships had a “honeymoon” stage and lots of highlights. If a happy moment pops up in your head once in a while, it’s just a little nostalgia.^{[6]
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- A memory probably just activated a pathway in your brain, and you’ll feel temporarily close to your ex.^{[7]
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- Remember that memories come and go. Sometimes, you never know when they’ll show up.
- You might worry that positive thoughts about your ex is “emotional cheating”. As long as you aren’t acting on anything, any quick daydreams are harmless.
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You spent a lot of time with them in the past. If you spent years with your ex before you got married, you’ll remember the tight bond you shared with them. Sometimes, you might even feel your ex has a piece of your heart or that the two of you became “one” during your relationship. Any commitment you once shared with someone can be hard to shake. ^{[8]
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Research source}^{[9]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
- You might also miss the closeness you had with your ex after all that time. For instance, you may have had deep discussions with them every night and they left a strong impression on you.
- You might also think about the future you wanted with them. For example, maybe you and your ex always planned getaways, and you hoped to travel the world with them.
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Your relationship with them was exciting. Maybe you miss all the adventure and surprises. You and your ex may have chased new experiences. You might have also enjoyed the thrill of dates and a constant stream of romance.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} If your heart races when you imagine all the fun you had with your ex, it’s just a sign that there’s some monotony in your life.^{[11]
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- Your ex may have shown their love for you in ways you really liked. For instance, maybe some of their romantic gestures really inspired you.
- When you dated your ex, maybe you saw yourself as more free or “single." You may just want to enjoy your independence.
- You might miss how your ex entertained you. For example, maybe they always brought you to new places and took you on interesting dates.
- Use these positive aspects of your past relationship to help you figure out what's missing from your current relationship.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
6
Your connection with them had ups and downs. You might have had a whirlwind romance with an ex. Maybe you experienced tons of passion and even drama. Your times with them might stand out just because every highlight was incredible and each lowlight was tragic.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} If it’s impossible to forget your ex, you might just associate them with a lot of stress and unpredictability.^{[14]
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- It’s normal to get bored once in a while and be drawn to an ex. If you crave some of the chaos from a past relationship, you probably just want some change in your life.
- You might be craving more intimacy and open conversations. Maybe you enjoyed bonding and cozying up to your ex, even if you also had lots of disagreements.
- Some studies suggest that you can get addicted to intense romances. If you limit the times you fantasize about your ex and eventually, you’ll stop craving them.^{[15]
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  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}

Section 2 of 2:

How to Appreciate the Marriage You Have Now

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Think about why you broke up with your ex. Redirect your focus from the best times you had with them and consider the reasons why you ended your relationship.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.}^{[17]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.} List all the factors that caused you two to part ways. Then, write down all the feelings your ex brings up for you. As you journal, remind yourself that all the relationships you had before your marriage had to come to an end. This break-up helped you grow and evolve into the person your spouse loves.^{[18]
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- Maybe you and your ex had completely different goals or neither of you were ready for commitment. Reflect on why you two lacked compatibility.
- You might have stronger feelings about this specific ex because they initiated the break-up. If you ended the relationship, you may feel a lot of guilt, instead. The way you cut ties was more dramatic than the way you did with other connections.
- It’s more likely that you’ll get closure and feel more peace if you express any frustration or confusion you have about your ex.
- Think about negative aspects of your past relationship that no longer apply to your current relationship.^{[19]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
2
Let yourselves be happy and move on. Focus on the different futures you two have built separately from each other. If you accept that the break-up was meant to be and that you both deserve a good life, you’ll be able to put all those thoughts about your ex to rest. You’ll feel proud that you’re a caring person and just want what’s best for everyone.^{[20]
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- Remember that when you moved on from your ex, you were able to grow with your spouse. Your break-up opened up the opportunity for a happy marriage.
- If your ex is with someone else, focus on why that person is a great match for them. You’ll feel a lot more positive and accepting of the relationship.
- If your relationship with your ex brought you lots of joy, remember that your spouse can support you, now. Check in with your partner and communicate about how you both can enhance each other’s lives.
- Don't try to cyber-stalk your ex to keep up with them. Instead, focus on the reasons why you left them in the first place.^{[21]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.}
3
Reflect on your spouse’s best qualities. Sit down and journal all the reasons you fell in love with them, or give them a kiss and tell them why you appreciate all they do for you. Whether you keep your feelings to yourself or voice them, you’ll feel really satisfied with your marriage when you express how grateful you are for your partner.^{[22]
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- You can make writing in a gratitude journal a daily practice, too. For example, you can write, “My husband built a birdhouse with the kids today! He’s the best father.”
- You and your spouse can make praising each other a fun couple’s activity. You can even gush about each other during your date nights.
- If you’re feeling more extravagant, you two can even renew your vows to each other. You can put together a ceremony and invite all your friends. Everyone will feel really sentimental.
4
Embrace the security in your marriage. Remind yourself of all the effort you and your spouse put into your daily rhythms. If you consider all the obstacles you’ve both overcome and all you’ve accomplished to achieve a great balance, you’ll feel a lot more calm. Your ex will be easier to forget, and your focus will be on more ways to strengthen the partnership you have now.^{[23]
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- If it took a lot of time for you and your spouse to learn how to work well together, that’s okay. Just remember that you both find your marriage worth the effort, and that’s what matters.
- Make a list of all the ways you both have created a perfect system together. For example, you can write down, “My wife is fantastic at making sure we both have a work-life balance."
- It’s okay to reflect on challenges you’ve both tackled, too. For instance, you might point out, “At first, it was difficult to find time for both you and my friends, but now we’ve carved out time for our social lives!”
5
Leave your ex in the past and focus on the life you’ve built. Distract yourself from your ex to free up some mental space. Spend more quality time with your spouse, your friends, and your family. Find creative ways to add passion and intimacy to your marriage. After a certain point, you’ll be so caught up in the present that you won’t even realize you’ve forgotten your ex.^{[24]
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- It can be really freeing to get rid of reminders of an ex. You can sell or donate any gifts they gave you, as well as delete any pictures you took as a couple.
- Consider the future you want with your spouse. For example, you may say, “I want to be healthy and happy, so I’ll make sure we focus on our physical and emotional wellbeing.”
- Activities and deep conversations with your partner can get your mind off a past relationship. The fun you have with your spouse will replace any nostalgia you have for the one that got away.

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it normal to have feelings for someone else while married?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Yes! Even if you love your partner, it's normal to have feelings for other people and be sad about the lives that you're choosing not to live.
Question

Why do we think about the one that got away?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

That's actually to be expected. When you commit to a relationship, you are saying no to a thousand other lives you could live. For some people, they end up grieving all these other lives.