How to Text Your Ex

Co-authored by Lisa Shield and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: February 25, 2022 References

It might've taken tons of reflection and a couple tubs of your favorite ice cream, but you're feeling ready to reconnect with your ex. You could be looking to rekindle your friendship or romance—or you may just want to check in. As long as you're transparent about your intentions, respectful of your ex's boundaries, and certain that reaching out will be good for your own wellbeing, then the rest is easy.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.} Plus, we've got tons of text ideas to help you through the process. For everything you need to know on how to text your ex, read on!

1

"I was just thinking about you today. How are things?”

Tell your ex they're on your mind for a casual, low-pressure opener. Sometimes, you just want to see how your ex is doing—but beyond that, you might not be sure of what you're after. Write a short, straightforward, and honest message that explains to your ex that you've been thinking of them. Finish up with a question that can help keep the conversation rolling.
- “I’m planning a trip back to Poughkeepsie next summer—and of course that made me think of you. How have you been?”
- “I just watched Sing Street again. It's SO good. Made me think of you. How are things on your end?”
- “You popped into my head on my walk this morning. And I thought: I wonder how Elodie is doing. Then I realized I could just ask you, haha.”

2

“I wanted to ask—what happened with the house hunt?”

Show an interest in your ex's life to start off on a positive note. Follow up on their house hunt, job search, or even pet adoption process. If you're on decent terms, then there's no reason that you can't simply reach out and check in. Write in a friendly tone to help show you how thoughtful you are while you kick off an open-ended conversation.
- “This is so out of the blue, but I was just thinking about your job hunt. Did you end up getting that teaching position you really wanted?”
- “Hey! I can't wait in suspense any longer. I have to know: did you get to adopt that kitten? She was ridiculously cute.”
- “You probably heard back about those scholarships, right? How’d that go? I’d love the chance to congratulate you :).”

3

“Saw your IG post. Love the pink hair, Todd.”

Socials can give you plenty of fun material to talk about with your ex. If you want an excuse to check in that feels personal and can lead to an open-ended catch-up session, go through your ex's social media. Be on the lookout for new hairstyles, cool trips, and general life updates. Use a kind, upbeat tone to open up conversation without making your ex feel pressured.
- “Saw the new nose piercing—very chic. I remember you’d wanted to get one for a long time!”
- “Excuse me, did you seriously just get back from Cape Town!? That’s so dope. I’d love to hear more about it.”
- “Saw your post about moving out of your King Street apartment. It’s the end of an era! Are you staying in Newtown?”

4

“You got into Davidson!? That’s so amazing!”

Celebrate your ex's success for a friendly start to the conversation. If you want to check in on your ex generally, send over a positive shoutout. Whether they got a promotion, a scholarship, or an athletic title, send kudos that can open the floor to more conversation. This text doesn't pressure your ex or load on any expectations. You may even make their day!
- “Hello Kat! Or should I call you Ms. VP of Marketing now? What an insanely cool accomplishment. I’m so thrilled for you!”
- “Just saw the fellowship announcement…I couldn’t be more stoked for you. Huge, huge congratulations, Santiago. You deserve this!”
- “Wow, 1st place in the district! I know how much this means to you. I couldn’t be happier for you, Arjun.”

5

"I just saw someone who looked exactly like Sally. So bizarre!"

Having an excuse to reach out can make it easier to check in on your ex. Explain to your ex that you saw a mutual connection's doppelgänger (and between us, you can totally make this up!). Go for a casual, offhand tone to create the perfect low-pressure opener. Through the conversation that follows, you two can get a better sense of what you want from each other.
- “Your dog's long-lost twin is sitting across from me at Urth Cafe. It's making me miss her! Could you give her a little pat for me, please?"
- “There’s a guy at my gym right now who looks exactly like Ray. I would send you a pic if that weren't a totally creepy thing to do. He’s not in Boston, is he?”
- “I swear I thought I saw your sister in Central Park today. It was such an uncanny similarity, seriously."

6

"Remind me of that incredible coffee shop's name?”

Ask for specific info from your ex to subtly start a casual conversation. Seek out information that you know they have, like a forgotten password, a mutual connection's number, or a hiking spot. He may try to keep the conversation going himself, but if not, respond with a question about his wellbeing to keep the texts flowing. Write out a simple message in a friendly tone.^{[2]
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Research source}
- “This is so lame to ask, but I forgot my crypto login. You still have mine written down with yours, right? Could you send it?”
- “Sorry to bother you, but what was the name of that travel agent we both really loved? Lucy? Lindy?"
- "Do you still have the coordinates for that camping spot in Big Sur? I’m planning a trip in a couple weeks. I’d really appreciate it :)”

7

"Just finished Beach House’s new album…what'd you think?”

Use a cultural event as an excuse to reach out to your ex. Look out for news that relates to you and your ex's shared interests. Look for new TV seasons, songs, books getting released. Use this to start up a conversation. If you're not sure of what you want from your ex beyond a simple check-in, this can open the door—and even better, it gives you lots to talk about.
- “Okay, we have to talk. Ozark season 4?! Thoughts? I feel like I have a million things to say.”
- “Did you see that John Green is writing again? It’s like he read our minds. Looks like the book comes out in April. What do you think it’ll be about?”
- “What do you think of Julia Jacklin’s new single? I know you must've listened to it at least one hundred times already."

8

"Are you seeing anyone exclusively right now? ;)”

Even when the breakup was for the best, you may miss hooking up. First, determine whether or not your ex might feel disrespected if you ask. If you're not sure and you're worried about hurting them, ask a friend for a second opinion. Then, send a message to suss out their interest. Go for a flirty vibe, keep it subtle, or just outright ask them if they'd look to hook up.
- “I saw your IG post yesterday. Not gonna lie, you look amazing.”
- “I definitely still think about you…or think about us together...at night.”
- “I’m watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall rn (your favorite) and definitely would be up for a little Netflix and chill..."

9

"It’s been a while. Do you want to grab lunch and catch up?"

In-person meetups can help you decide what you want from each other. Choose coffee, lunch, or brunch invitations over dinner-and-drinks hangouts—because meeting in the evening might give romantic vibes, which you may not be sure you want yet. Leave specifics out of your invitation. Instead, let your ex offer an ideal time and place. This way, the meetup is happening on both of your terms.
- “Hey, I’d love to get together sometime. Maybe we could do coffee at some point? Let me know what you think.”
- “No pressure whatsoever, but would you want to get breakfast sometime? I’d love to see you and talk.”
- “Is there any chance you'd maybe want to grab lunch? It can be whenever. Just let me know.”

10

“No pressure, but I'd really like to be friends with you.”

After healing from your breakup, you may miss your ex platonically. Before you send a text to reconnect, talk through the decision with a pal. Does your ex still have feelings for you? Did things end well between you two? Once you've determined that reaching out won't hurt your ex's healing process, send an honest, clear, and direct text that opens the door to future friendship.^{[3]
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Research source} Setting clear boundaries is really key!^{[4]
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Expert Source

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}
- “Hey, I know it’s been a while, but I just wanted to say that I miss you. I’d love to be friends down the line.”
- “I’m a little nervous to say this, but I want you to know that I really want to be friends. You were a huge part of my life, and I miss you.”
- "Hey. I'd really like to be friends. You may not be ready yet, but when you are, I’d love to reconnect.”

11

“I miss you. I still think about how things ended. Could we talk?”

Send an honest, heartfelt text if you want to rekindle things with your ex. Ask for an in-person meetup so the two of you can have this important conversation face to face. If you get nervous, remind yourself that in love, a little risk is necessary to have a shot at getting what you want —which you deserve. Then, even if it's disappointing, accept their reaction.
- “Hey. I still think about you a lot. I’d really love to talk in person. Would you be down to get a drink?”
- “I’m still not really sure where things went wrong with us, Darius. I’d really love to talk things out together at some point because I really miss you.”
- “Do you ever wonder if we could’ve made it work? I think about it a lot, to be completely honest. I’d love to talk about it in person if you’re interested."
- It's important to discuss what went wrong in your past relationship before you try rekindling things again.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}

12

"I wanted to reach out to say I’m sorry for the way I acted during our breakup.”

The pain of heartbreak can cause people to act in ways they regret. First, talk to a friend to decide whether or not your ex would want to hear an apology from you. Whether you want to rekindle a relationship of some kind or you just feel it's right, draft a heartfelt apology text for your ex. Ensure that the message doesn't ask for anything in return. Finally, accept their reaction, whatever it may be.^{[6]
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Research source}
- “Hey. I want you to know that I feel awful for how I treated you when we ended. You don’t need to respond to this. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.”
- “Hi. First, I want to say that I’m not asking anything of you. You don’t even have to respond. But I wanted to say sorry for what I said during our breakup."
- “Hey there. You don't have to say anything back if you don't want to. I just wanted to say I’m genuinely so sorry.”

13

"This breakup has been so tough. I think I need closure. Could we talk things through?”

Breakups can be confusing, but closure can help you heal. If you're having trouble sorting through your breakup, reach out to your ex to talk things through. Clarify exactly what you're looking for so that your text isn't misinterpreted. Whether you want a question answered or you've got something important to say, send a straightforward text asking your ex for a conversation to provide closure.^{[7]
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Research source}
- “I feel so confused about how we left things. I know breaking up was the right decision, but I still have so many questions. Could we talk?”
- “I feel like we both still have things we need to say to each other in order to move on. Do you feel that way too? Could we get together to chat?”
- “I haven’t really found closure yet, to be honest. I'd really like you to clarify a few things for me. Would you want to talk sometime?”

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I say to get my ex back?

Lisa Shield
Dating Coach
Lisa Shield is a love and relationship expert based in Los Angeles. She has a Master's degree in Spiritual Psychology and is a certified life and relationship coach with over 17 years of experience. Lisa has been featured in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times, and Cosmopolitan.

Lisa Shield

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

There isn't anything you can say to get your ex back; at the end of the day, it would just be a manipulation. Instead of focusing on "winning them back," ponder what went wrong in the relationship to begin with.