How to Tell a Girl You Don't Like Her

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: May 21, 2021 References

It’s never easy to tell a girl you don’t like her. Maybe she’s a close friend of yours who has developed a crush on you and you’re just not returning those feelings. Maybe she’s a girl you don’t know very well who likes you a lot who needs to be let down gently. Whatever the case is, once you tell her that you don’t like her as gently yet firmly as possible, you’ll both be better off. ^{[1]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Letting Her Down Gently

1
Find the right place and time. Once you know that you have to break the news to the girl, the best thing to do is to act fast. That said, if you want to be sensitive about it, then you have to put some thought into finding the right time and place to tell her. You don’t want to catch her off guard if she’s in the middle of talking to her friends and you try to pull her away, or if she’s prepping for her math test next period. Instead, pick a place that will give you some privacy and a time when she’s not distracted, busy, or stressed out.
2
Start by saying something nice without giving her hope. Though you don’t want to lead her on by telling her she’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen, you may want to soften her up a bit before you tell her you don’t like her. Just say something like, “You know I think you’re an amazing girl” or “I always love talking to you” to let her know that you do care for her without saying anything that sounds too romantic. Choose your words carefully in advance so you don’t give her the wrong idea.^{[2]
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- As you say it, make sure to keep your distance, so she doesn’t think you’re coming on to her. You should have closed body language and turn away from her a bit to let her know that you’re not looking to get intimate.
- You should keep eye contact to be respectful, but don’t stare into her eyes so intensely that she gets the wrong message.
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3
Break the news. This is the hard part, and the best thing you can do is to tell her as soon as possible. Don’t dilly dally with too much small talk or she may be confused or she may even get her hopes up, thinking that you might ask her out. Just be as honest as you can without hurting her feelings. Make it clear that you’re telling her the news because you want to be honest and want to minimize the pain she’s feeling. Take a deep breath and come out with it. ^{[3]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}
- You can say something like, “I know you have feelings for me, and I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel the same way. I respect you too much to not let you know and I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.”
4
Listen to what she has to say. Let’s face it. Once you’ve said your piece, you may be itching to get the heck out of there ASAP so you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness. However, the girl in front of you may be hurting a lot, and you should have enough respect for her not to walk away immediately. If she wants to share her feelings with you, let her do it, as long as things don’t get too heated and emotional.^{[4]
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- You can say something like, “I’m really sorry you feel that way,” but you shouldn’t feel the need to apologize too much. After all, you can’t really help what you’re feeling.
- If she gets really upset, you can comfort a bit, but you should try to cut the conversation short. You don’t want to give her the wrong impression.
5
Say you’d like to be friends if you do. It’s time to be real. If you really don’t know her all that well and don’t wish to get to know her, then leave the conversation where it is. But if you’ve already been friends or she just seems like a cool girl, then you can tell her you’d like to be friends or that you’d like to still be friends. Of course, she may roll her eyes or be upset in the heat of the moment, since this is a thing so many guys say without meaning it, but if you really do mean it, then let her know you’d like to be friends, and this will be possible once she has some time to get over you.
- Just say something like, “I think you’re a really cool girl and would love to be friends. But I understand that it may not happen for a while.”
- You can also say, “I know everyone always says they’d like to be friends, but I really mean it.”
6
End on good terms. Though the conversation won’t be easy, you should try to end things on a good note as much as you can. You can thank the girl for talking to you, remind her you want to be friends if that’s the case, walk her back to where she was hanging out, or just try to say something positive. If it doesn’t feel too corny or false, you can even try to make her laugh, though it may not work in the moment. The most important thing is that you leave the conversation on a positive note, so the girl doesn’t walk away thinking you’re a total jerk.
- You can say, “I hope you feel better soon. I really do mean that.” You can also say, “I’m really flattered by how you feel.”
- You don’t have to say something corny like, “I know the right guy will come along soon” because she may roll her eyes at that. Even if it’s true, it may not be what she wants to hear.
7
Give her space if you want to stay in touch. If you really do want to keep being friends with her, then you should probably take some time off before you ask her to hang out with you or with you and a group of friends. She may need a few weeks, or even a few months or more, to truly get over you, and just the sight of you may make her heart ache a little bit. Though you should still be friendly when you see her, let her take the initiative to let you know when she’s ready to hang out with you again.
- When you do see her, just give her a wave and a smile and say, “How are you?” If she’s visibly cold and upset, then don’t push it.
- If she doesn’t ever want to be friends because she’s too hurt, then you should respect that too.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Finding Alternate Ways to Break the News

1
Know that telling her in person is the best way to go. ^{[5]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} If you want to give the girl the respect she deserves, then you really should tell her you don’t like her in person. However, there may be some circumstances that may lead to you telling her how you feel a different way. Maybe she lives in a different town or you won’t have a chance to see each other for a while. Maybe you really don’t know her very well and don’t want to spend some solo time with her though you do want her to get the message. Whatever the case is, make sure you think long and hard about whether or not you really should tell her in person before you give her the news.^{[6]
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- If you care at all about the girl, then you should have the decency to tell her you like her in person, if you have the chance to do that.
2
Give her a call. The next hardest thing after actually telling her in person is calling her to tell her the news. Just get her number from one of her friends if you don’t have it (without making it look like you want to ask her out!) and tell her the news as nicely and as sweetly as possible. Just say something similar to what you would tell her in person, something like, “I’m really flattered that you like me, but I thought you deserve to know I don’t feel the same way” and wait to hear what she has to say. Though this won’t be easy, you’ll feel better when you deliver the news and may find it just a bit less uncomfortable than telling her in person.
- Just say something like, “This isn’t easy, but I wanted to tell you that I don’t like you romantically. I’m sorry to break the news to you, but I really thought you should know.”
3
Send her a nice text. Okay, so generally it’s not a great idea to send any important information over text and the girl will feel pretty burned to get the news this way. However, if she’s really persistent and you just want her to get the message, you can send her a quick text to tell her the news so you both can move on. She’ll appreciate that you took the time to tell her yourself instead of leaving the dirty work to someone else.
- Just say something like, “Hey, I know you like me and I really appreciate your honesty. But I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel the same way. I thought you should know.”
4
Send her an email. Another way to tell a girl you don’t like her is to send her a short and sweet email. Though email may not be the most personal way to tell her how you feel, it can be appropriate if you already have an email relationship and it can let you express your feelings a bit more thoroughly than a text message. Just keep it short and sweet and tell her that you don’t return her feelings while leaving the message on a positive note. Here’s what you can say:
- “I know that you like me, and I just wanted to tell you that I don’t return your feelings. I hope you’re doing well and that we can hang out soon.”
5
Chat her online. Another way to tell her that you don’t like her is to chat with her online, whether you’re using Facebook chat, g-chat, or another form of chatting. Simply tell her how you feel without spending too much time on small talk. If you chat with her for 20 minutes before breaking the bad news, then she may think that you actually want to get to know her or that you even want to ask her out. Just a simple, “Hi, how are you?” can get the conversation going and can quickly get you to say what you want to say.
- Come out with it quickly. When you’re online, you don’t have to craft a brilliant sentence. Just tell her you don’t like her while being as nice as possible. You can avoid directly saying “I don’t like you” and say something like, “I don’t feel the same way” to soften the blow.
6
Write her a note. Another thing you can do to let her down is to write her a handwritten note delivering the bad news. This can feel a bit more personal than emailing or texting her, because she’ll see that you took the time to write it in your own handwriting and that you chose your words carefully. You should keep the note short and sweet and make sure to give it to her at the end of the school day so you know she won’t read it in the middle of class and won’t get upset in public.
- Just write 2 or 3 sentences telling her that you don’t have feelings for her and make sure to sign your name. Make sure you give it to her yourself so someone else doesn’t end up reading it.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Knowing What Not to Do

1
Don’t tell other people before you tell her. If you care at all about the girl and her feelings, then you shouldn’t go around telling your friends, her friends, and anyone you pass in the halls, that you don’t return her feelings. Even if you really don’t like her very much at all as person, you should give her the respect she deserves by telling her the news yourself instead of letting her hear it from someone else.
- Put yourself in her shoes — if you really liked a girl, how would it feel to find out that she doesn’t feel the same way from someone else?
- If her friends ask you if you like her or not, make sure you tell her that you don’t return her feelings instead of having her hear it from one of her friends.
2
Don’t tell her in public. Another thing you should try to avoid is telling the girl how you feel when she’s surrounded by people. Though you may think it’s easier to just go up to her at a party or when she’s talking to a bunch of her friends, this will actually catch her off guard and will make her much more upset than if she were alone and had time to process what happened. Though it may be hard to get her completely alone, do the best you can to keep your news private so you cause as little pain as you can.^{[7]
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- You don’t want her to get extra embarrassed in front of her friends and your friends. Respect her feelings and her privacy.
3
Don’t lead her on. Another mistake guys make when they tell a girl they don’t like her is to lead her on because they feel bad about saying the truth. If you don’t mean it, then don’t say something like, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now, but maybe we can date in the future” or “You’re the perfect girl for me but I just can’t let myself fall in love” or “I just need some time to get over someone right now.” Though you may think that this softens the blow, it actually will prolong her pain, and you should avoid making any declarations you don’t mean just because you think it’ll make the conversation easier.
- Make it clear that you don’t have romantic feelings for her and that you won’t have them at a future date, either. The sooner she knows this, the sooner she’ll be able to move on.^{[8]
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4
Don’t insult her when you reject her. Though you may think you need to be a little mean for the girl to get the point, you should avoid telling her that you don’t like her because she’s just not your type, because you think she talks too much, or because you don’t think she’s smart enough for you. You should also avoid telling her you don’t like her because you like some hotter girl in your grade. Just tell her you don’t return her feelings and keep it at that.
- Avoid saying things like, “I just don’t have a lot to say to you” or “I think you’re kind of annoying.” There’s no need to kick her when she’s down.
5
Don’t make stupid excuses. Though you may think that making excuses is the best way to keep yourself from getting hated, you should be as honest as you can. Don’t ever say, “It’s not you, it’s me” because every girl has heard that before. Don’t say that you’re too busy to date anyone right now when you know perfectly well that you’d make time for the right girl. Don’t say that you just don’t like relationships when in reality, you’d love to be in a relationship with a different girl. Be honest with the girl and she’ll respect you a lot more for it.^{[9]
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- You don’t want to develop a reputation for being a liar. If a girl didn’t like you, you would want her to be honest too, wouldn’t you?
6
Don’t drag it on. Once you know that there’s a girl who really likes you and that there’s no chance she would return your feelings, you should tell her as soon as you can when you can find the right time and place. ^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} The longer you hang out with her while knowing you don’t return her feelings, the longer you give her hope, and the best thing you can do is to really tell her how you feel so that she can move on.
- Though you may think it would be easier if she found out you didn’t like her from word of mouth or by seeing you with another girl, you owe it to her to let her find out the easy way.

Expert Q&A
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Question

When do you tell a girl you don't want to see her again?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

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You can’t wait forever to tell her the news. You don’t have to wait for the situation to be perfect in order to tell her how you feel. Just make sure that you have some privacy and that she doesn’t seem too upset.
Question

How do you know when it's time to break up with someone?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Think about if the person you are with makes you a better person or makes you happy. If the answer is no, then that might be a sign that it's time to break up. Our time is so valuable, and if you don't see a future with the person you are with, then it might be worth considering breaking up. By being in a relationship with someone who's not the right one, you're taking the chance of missing out on the person that is right for you.

Warnings

Never come straight out telling a girl, "I don't like you!" This will result in more hurt feelings than a deliberate approach.

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Thinking a girl's hair is ugly, does not mean, "I don't like her." Make sure you have a good reason for not liking this girl, and ending your friendship with her.

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