Catching Vibes? The 8 Best Ways to Tell Someone You Already Have a Boyfriend

Co-authored by Imad Jbara and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: September 29, 2021 References

It's a totally normal situation—you're really enjoying talking with someone when suddenly they start flirting. If you're already seeing a guy, you don't want to lead this person on, but you also don't want to hurt their feelings. You can start by dropping hints and get more direct if they're not picking up the clues. We've listed some tried-and-true suggestions below to help you break the news.

1

Check your phone for a message from your boyfriend.

Pull out your phone and say you're waiting to hear from your boyfriend. This is a painless way for you to let the person know you're taken without directly having to tell them. Just be super casual and say you're supposed to hear from your boyfriend or that you've got to send him a quick text.^{[1]
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- You could even pretend to listen to a voicemail that your boyfriend sent you. For instance, say, "Hang on, I've got to listen to this voicemail. My boyfriend's trying to reach me."

2

Mention your boyfriend casually.

Bring up your boyfriend within the first few minutes of conversation. This subtlety lets the person know that you're taken without you directly telling them that you are in a relationship. You don't have to repeatedly mention him—just once is usually all it takes.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Here are a few ways to do it:^{[3]
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- "We've been meaning to see that movie, too! My boyfriend loved the first one when it came out."
- "I've never been to that restaurant. They were booked the last time my boyfriend and I tried to check it out."
- "I love that band. My boyfriend and I saw a band that you might like, too."

3

Be polite and kind if you have to reject them.

Tell them that you're flattered but already taken.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} They had no way of knowing that you're already in a relationship, so try to respond with kindness and respect. Remember, it probably took some courage to flirt or ask you out, so don't punish them for it.^{[5]
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- You might say something like, "I have a boyfriend, but I'm flattered. Thanks for thinking of me in that way. You've done wonders for my self-esteem today!"^{[6]
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4

Continue talking with the person once you tell them.

Keep chatting for a bit so things feel a little less awkward. Don't leave a long silence after you say you have a boyfriend or everyone might feel awkward. Instead, ask the person a question to get them talking again. For instance, after you mention that you have a boyfriend, ask about what the person likes or ask them for a recommendation.^{[7]
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- For example, if you said, "My boyfriend and I love seeing new local bands," you could follow up with, "Do you know of any good bands or venues?"
- It's totally fine to change subjects or bring another person into the conversation.

5

Acknowledge any awkwardness, if necessary.

Apologize if you think you accidentally led him on. Sometimes, you're just talking and enjoying yourself and you don't think to bring up your boyfriend. This can make it super awkward if you try to casually mention a boyfriend when you've been talking to someone for a long time or didn't mention it the first time you talked with them. Instead, be direct but clearly tell them that you have a boyfriend.^{[8]
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- If they're getting really flirty, say something like, "I should stop you there. I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but I'm seeing someone."
- Reconnecting with an old friend? They may not know that you're dating someone, so make a point of catching them up. You could say, "Do you know Mahmoud? We've been dating for the last few months."

6

Introduce the person to your boyfriend.

Bring your boyfriend over if he's nearby. Nothing sends a signal faster than your boyfriend walking over and you wrapping your arms around him. Obviously, this only works if you two are at the same place, but all you have to say is, "Hey, this is my boyfriend, Patrick."^{[9]
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- Don't forget to introduce the person to your boyfriend, too.

7

Ask a friend to tell the person.

A wingman or wingwoman can discreetly tell them if you don't want to. After all, that's what friends are for! Say you need to use the restroom or step aside for a minute so your friend can casually tell the person that you're seeing someone. This might be less awkward for the person since they won't feel like they've made you uncomfortable.^{[10]
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- Your friend could say something like, "Hey man, I can tell you really like her, but you should probably know that's she's already in a relationship."

8

Tell them to stop if they won't take the hint.

Pull them aside and firmly tell them that need to stop flirting with you. Be direct and assertive when you tell them that you're not comfortable with the person touching or flirting with you. If they still don't listen to you, call out their behavior loud enough for other people to hear. The person might be embarrassed enough to stop.^{[11]
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- For example, say something like, "I thought I was clear, but maybe I haven't been. I'm not comfortable with you flirting with me and I'd like you to stop."
- It's probably a good idea to be around other people or to get some space between you and the other person.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you politely reject someone through text?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Be honest but polite! Say something like "I'm flattered that you want to get to know me, but I'm already seeing someone."
Question

How do you politely decline a flirt?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Keep it simple! Just say "Thanks for the compliment, but I'm already seeing somebody and I'd rather not jeopardize that relationship."