How to Tell Someone You Don't Like Them

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: November 15, 2022 References

While it's a good idea to try to get along with people from all walks of life, even those you don't much like, there are times when letting someone know that you don't like them is better than pretending otherwise. For example, you might need to tell someone who approaches you while you're out that you don't want to date them. You may also need to inform someone that you don't want to develop a friendship. You may even want to break up with someone who's been your friend for a long time. In such cases, you'll need to make it clear that you'll never want to be more than polite from a distance.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Telling a Stranger You're Not Interested

1
Be direct. One way to turn someone down is to give them a simple, direct answer to a request for a date or your number. The direct approach can be good because you don't leave them hanging and because you don't leave room for ambivalence, so they can move on to someone else.^{[1]
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- For example, you could use the line, "I appreciate you asking me, but no thank you."
- You could also say, "No, I'm not looking to date right now."
- Be sure to make "no" part of your answer so you are very clear.^{[2]
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2
Go for an indirect answer. If you don't want to flat-out reject someone, you can answer in a roundabout way. One way you can make it more roundabout is to start out with a compliment about the person but still end with a rejection.^{[3]
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- For instance, you could note, "You seem like a good person, but I don't want to date anyone, so I'm going to say 'no.'"
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3
Try an avoidance tactic. Another option is using an avoidance tactic. In other words, you dodge the request by using a decoy of some sort to not respond directly, such as giving a fake number to the person so they don't know you're rejecting them.^{[4]
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- To give out a fake number, you can just make up a number, but make sure it's not someone else's number. Also, this tactic can backfire if the person tries to call it or sees you again sometime.
- Another option is to say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You can also use a friend as a pretend significant other; however, if you use this tactic, you may drive off other people, which can be a problem if you are trying to meet people.
4
Skip saying "sorry." By apologizing, you're pointing out that you feel sorry for the person, which can make the rejection that much worse. Plus, you have no reason to apologize. You're simply saying that you choose not to accept their request.^{[5]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Telling Someone You'd Rather Avoid Their Company

1
Make sure you need to say something. That is, sometimes, it's in your best interest to just stay silent. If telling the person won't help the situation, then you may just want to leave it alone, even if the person does irritate you.^{[6]
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- For instance, telling a manager you don't like them probably isn't going to be all that helpful to you. Your manager holds power over your career and can make your work life miserable, so telling a manager you don't like them isn't going to be beneficial. You might also get in trouble for insubordination.
- In addition, you may weigh your options if the person you don't like is a family member or a friend of the family. If you're going to see the person on a regular basis, telling them you don't like them is only going to make those situations more difficult.
- Similarly, if the person is a mutual friend with other friends, it may make social gatherings more difficult if you tell the person you don't like them.
- Also, consider whether you're being fair in your dislike. Maybe you took an instant dislike to someone without getting to know them. Try getting to know the person better before making a snap judgment.
2
Keep it civil. No matter how you tell someone you don't want them in your life, try not to cross over into being a jerk. You can tell someone you don't enjoy their company without being mean about it, which can also help you not burn bridges.^{[7]
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- If you're too brutal, you may have trouble making friends with other people. Word will get around.
- Don't be abusive or mean when you talk to the person; be as respectful and calm as possible.
- For instance, saying, "I can't stand to be around you." is pretty mean. Instead, try, "Our values are too different, and I don't really have time for new friends."
3
Don't give the person an "in." If you simply don't respond to a person's advances towards friendship, they'll eventually get the message. In other words, try not to engage in chatty conversation and don't agree to plans you don't want to join in on.^{[8]
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- Also, try not to smile at the person. You don't have to frown, but smiling makes you more approachable.
- This approach can lead to other people seeing you as standoffish or a snob, so be careful.
4
Try a direct approach. While the direct approach can be brutal, it can also establish right off the bat that you don't want to go any further. If you really can't stand the person, it might be better to get it out in the open; however, this can backfire, especially if you use it at work.^{[9]
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- You could say something like, "I don't think we're compatible as friends, but it was nice to meet you."
5
Be honest with your feelings. If this person appears to want more of a relationship than you are comfortable with, directly tell the person without being judgmental.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} For instance, perhaps they want a deeper friendship when you just want to stay acquaintances.
- You might say something like: "I'm sensing you want more friendship from me. That's more than I'm willing to give right now. If you still want to be closer friends with me in a few months, would you be willing to check back in with me then?"
- Alternatively, you could say, "Thanks for your kind request for friendship. You seem like a wonderful person. I'm just not interested, thanks."

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Telling a Person You Don't Want to Be Friends

1
Consider your goal. Decide what you want out of the situation, and then make a choice about the best course of action to achieve that goal with the least amount of tension. If you just want to see the person less, then you may not need to tell the person you don't like them. If you want to cut the person out of your life completely, it's probably best to tell them upfront rather than just ignoring them.^{[11]
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Research source} Ask yourself questions like:
- What do I hope will happen when I tell this person I don't like them?
- Do I want them to leave me alone? (Then maybe I should ask for that instead.)
- Do I want to see them less? (Then maybe I should tell them I can only hangout once a month.)
- Do I want to hurt this person's feelings? Will I regret hurting their feelings afterward?
2
Be as nice as you can. Even though you're essentially rejecting someone, you shouldn't be a jerk about it. Rather, try to keep the meanness to a minimum, so that you don't leave the person feeling horrible or hopeless.^{[12]
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- For example, saying, "You're an idiot, and I don't like you," isn't really appropriate. Instead you could say, "I know you'd like to hang out more, but I am not comfortable with that. I feel our beliefs are too different."
3
Treat a friendship like a romantic relationship. If you're trying to tell a close friend that you've grown apart, treat it like you would a romantic relationship. That is, break up with them like you would do with someone you're in a romantic relationship with.^{[13]
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- Sitting down with them in person is the best, though you can send a letter or email if that's your only option. Establish why you want to stop being friends. Ideally, put the blame on yourself, such as "I'm just not the same person I was, and I think we don't fit together as friends anymore."
- Another option is asking to take a break. Maybe you just need some space to adjust, although taking a break can also be a way to ease the person into a more permanent break.
4
Avoid the person. While this option may not be the best, it is an option. You can simply stop returning a person's calls or avoid talking to them when you see them. They may eventually get the message that you don't want to be friends with them.^{[14]
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- People sometimes use this method in an attempt to spare the other person's feelings, but sometimes "ghosting" like this can actually be more confusing and hurtful, and just prolong the inevitable. The person may start to worry about you and may not understand that you're trying to end the relationship, so it's usually best to just be direct if possible.
- Know that if you avoid the person, you may end up having to be direct in the end. They may ask if something is wrong or if you are mad or avoiding them. Prepare yourself to answer these questions.
- One way to avoid people in person is to use work as an excuse, such as, "I'd love to chat, but I really need to get back to work."
5
Be realistic. It hurts to reject a person, especially a persistent one, just as it hurts to be rejected. You're not going to get out of this situation without hurting both of your feelings; however, if the friendship is truly a bad fit, it may be time to let it go so you can both create healthier, more productive relationships.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.}

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I reject someone without hurting them?

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.

Cher Gopman

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Tell them as soon as you know how you're feeling since waiting can make the feeling worse.
Question

What should I do if a boy at school likes me, but I'm not sure if I like him back?

Community Answer

Imagine yourself dating him. If it doesn't seem right, you probably don't fit together. If it does work, imagine yourself kissing him. If you think "Ew", it's probably not the best idea to date him.
Question

What do I do if I have already told them yes for friendship, but now don't want to talk anymore?

Community Answer

Just ask if you can take a little break. Tell them you want to talk to more people without being interrupted and promise that you can talk soon.