How to Survive Living With Male Roommates As a Female

Co-authored by Eze Sanchez

Last Updated: November 18, 2022

Considering living with a household of all-male roommates when you're the only female? If you're used to female companionship or mixed households, living with an all-male household for the first time ever might seem a bit daunting. The solution is to treat this like any other rooming arrangement, in which agreed-upon rules and boundaries make for easier living for everyone concerned. Whether or not being around all males is something you'll feel comfortable with is, in the end, up to you. All this article can do is to make some suggestions for you to consider.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Deciding on living with all males

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Get to know every member of the household before agreeing to becoming a roommate. Schedule a decent-length interview and ask that every person in the household be present so that you can get to know one another before you move in. It's an effort but given that you intend on living with these guys, you must feel happy from the outset. The interview process isn't just about them assessing whether you're the right fit, it's also about whether they're the right fit from your perspective too. So, use the opportunity to size up their personalities and decide whether they're the right group of roommates for you.
- Ask what household management rules and expectations are already in the household. Then, ask politely whether they're open to having a discussion about renewing those arrangements once you join the household. This will give you an indicator of how receptive they are to listening, learning and being open to change. If they're okay about changing a few things to accommodate you too, that can be a good sign. If there are no household management rules in place, be sure they're willing to change this, as these are the best way for ensuring equal pitching in to run the household smoothly.
- Ask questions about their interests and hobbies. This will give you a good indicator of what they get up to in their spare time and whether their activities are likely to impinge on the household arrangements and amenity.
- Ask about the household rules related to parties and bringing home friends. This will give you a good feel for whether you are about to join a household keen on wild partying (great if you like that, not so great if you don't), dinner parties or occasional events, and if fair warning is the norm. It will also give you some ideas about who might be coming over to stay without actually being an ongoing part of the household. You might also ask something like: "If I wanted my mom and dad to stay for a few days when they visit the city, would that be okay?" Gauge their reaction to see if it matches with your preferences.
2
Think through the things that the guys answered during the interview. Couple this with your feelings about how they gel as a group, whether or not you've warmed to each of them, and what potential issues you can see arising given what you've already sensed about them. This is the time to trust your instincts as well as your analysis.

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3
Consider asking for a temporary trial if you decide to accept their offer for you to move in. Explain that you've never lived with an all-male household before and while you're stoked to give it a try, you would like to be sure that this is going to work, not just for you, but for them too.
- You could even offer to pay an extra month's (or so) rent if you decide to leave earlier than you expected. This may be better than staying stuck in a rooming situation that just isn't working out for you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Keeping the place clean

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If there isn't a cleaning schedule already in place, ask that the household draw up a cleaning roster. Cleaning is nobody's business until it's made everybody's business. Gender does not determine responsibility for keeping the house clean; it's up to making clear decisions about who does what and when. Once this has been worked out, failure to carry through is a failure in responsibility toward the household as a whole, so it's also important to decide together on what penalties apply in such cases.
- It is not your problem whether people you live with are not used to picking up after themselves. To "accept" that they don't is to perpetuate the myth that some people are entitled to be lazy while other people have a duty to do the picking up. It doesn't matter how your roommates were raised, they're in the big world now, and the big world expects them to be responsible.
- If things are getting messy, assume leadership (not ownership), at least temporarily, with respect to getting things in order. When disorder descends, point to the agreed roster and rules on household management responsibilities. Avoid making demeaning statements, but be honest. Try keeping your observations factual by saying something like, "The sink is being used for food prep. Kindly put those dirty dishes straight into the dishwasher." Don't explain, don't complain; there is no need to justify wanting cleanliness.
- Consider having differentiated approaches to certain areas of the house. For example, messy bedrooms are fine provided the doors are kept shut (after all, you might prove to be the messiest member of the household if you never hang your clothes up, but that's your space), while the living area must, without fail, always be acceptable enough to bring friends home without embarrassment.
2
As a household, schedule a weekly cleaning time and break up the cleaning duties. This is a great way to provide momentum and ensure that everyone is responsible for encouraging the group as a whole to get things done. Even if it's the only day when everything is in order, at least you can rely on this weekly event to deal with the worst of mess and missing things.
- Make a time to sit down with your roommates and distribute the cleaning duties.
- Weekly clean-up can also be a good time to do forward planning, such as making grocery lists, writing requests to the landlord about repairs needing to be done, discussing any household issues that any person has, etc.
3
Pull your own weight. If you avoid doing your share of the cleaning, you'll upset the household balance as much as anyone else slacking off. Schedule it in your diary and do what needs doing in the spirit of being a good team member.

Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Sharing space, food and household items

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Consider the likely impacts on you of all-male events held in the household or yard. You don't have to love it but you do need to manage around it, so that you get the space and freedom you are paying for too. Maybe you want to join in sometimes, all the time, or never at all––that's your call, but you do deserve to have the amenity you're paying for.
- Have clear household rules in place about hosting events using the property you all live in. As with cleaning, there must be clarity on what's acceptable, what's okay by way of spontaneous visits from groups of friends, and what is not appropriate. Together, set up house rules with boundaries on noise levels, quantity/type of party events, times visitors can call, whether or not people can stay over, and so forth.
- If there is a party and such events bother you, consider whether you'd prefer to schedule a night out or do something else for a few hours. Unless the party-throwing is constant, it's important to find ways to ensure that everyone in the household has their chance to use the premises in ways they enjoy too.
2
Organize a roster for grocery shopping. It is important to have a discussion about grocery distribution and payment. Unless one householder adores shopping for groceries and truly doesn't mind doing it, it's everyone's responsibility. How this is divided up is entirely up to your household but it should be done fairly and every person must pay their fare share.
- Be sure to include snacks in the household rules. Snacks tend to disappear for party events, and it is the responsibility of the person throwing the party to pay for these, not to use other householder's supplies.
- Mundane-yet-essential things such as cleaning gear, first aid supplies and household safety (batteries for those smoke alarms) should also be incorporated into the shared household spending budget.
3
Have in place household rules about cooking. This is extremely personal to your household, as sometimes there are one or two persons who love to cook and who genuinely don't mind cooking for others a few nights a week. In other households, nobody likes to cook and take-out and noodles are the staples. However, whatever the cooking arrangements, nobody should feel obliged to cook for others and if someone does cook, nobody else is entitled to steal that person's food.
- If there are different dietary needs or mealtime preferences, include these in your discussions about when the kitchen gets used by whom, and how to keep food preparation areas and utensils clean/separate to meet everyone's dietary preferences. It is a lot better to talk about these things than to feel upset all the time or that your preferences are being compromised.
- If food goes walking, try putting sticky notes on food you have put away, making it obvious that is off limits to anyone else in the household. Have a house rule that it's okay to ask for food but not okay to assume that food is for the taking.
- Hide snacks if they disappear a lot. Whether you're living with all-males, all-females, your family, or any other arrangement, sometimes the temptation is simply too much. Maybe even for yourself...
4
If you share the fruits of your baking labor, do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Moreover, it pays to be wise about such generosity, and keep it to a minimum, in case you build up expectations of being Saturday's baker. On the other hand, if you really do enjoy baking and everyone's loving the baked goods, ask them to pay for the ingredients. It's the least they can do.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Should relationships change

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Think carefully before starting a romance with one of your roommates. It can complicate things not just for the two of you but for the whole household. When people pair up within a group, it can be awkward for the others, as suddenly the pair turns into a team and other members of the group can feel that they are being left out or even overwhelmed. An article can't tell you whether or not it's appropriate to turn platonic household friendships into romance; that's something you need to tackle if it ever comes up. However, do think long and hard about the consequences and whether it might not just be better for the two of you to find your own digs should the relationship become long-term. It will all depend on the context of everyone you're living with and... it might just never happen anyway.
2
If you bring back a boyfriend to your place, refer back to the household rules on what everyone has agreed upon about having others back to stay. Most importantly, don't let anyone over-stay their welcome; if your boyfriend becomes a fixture in the house, it's probable that the other guys will also want him to pay rent and pitch in, or that you two find your own accommodations together. Treat it the same way as everyone in the household is treated, by being respectful of everyone's comfort.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I do this without seeming controlling?

Community Answer

Just don't be controlling. If something bothers you, tell them in a calm and gentle way and don't tell them to do things all at once.
Question

Is it safe as a female to move into a house with 5 male roommates she doesn't know?

Torpi

Top Answerer

That depends on both her and the males. If she has met them and feels safe around them, and none of them has a bad reputation or is involved in shady activities - and especially if she is assertive enough to stand up for herself - then it will probably be fine. If she feels at all insecure about it (even if she can't put her finger on why) or if the males seem dodgy, then it is a bad idea.

Warnings

If your male roommates start acting protectively toward you when you bring home company, let them know that their concern is thoughtful but unwanted and that you'll let them know if you ever need their help. As with bringing home anyone, romantic attachment or not, it's always polite to give other householders a heads up that someone is coming over but you don't need to offer explanations as to who, why or what for.

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Leave the household if you are scared, assaulted or hurt. Do not assume in any way that an act of aggression from another household member is your fault or that it's something to pretend never happened; people are responsible for their actions and if a household member scares you, mistreats you, assaults you or rapes you, seek immediate help. If you decide to leave the house as a result of harm toward you, do not return alone. Retrieve your belongings with the help of friends and/or family (or the police) and inform the rest of the household that you are moving out. You are not obliged to explain what happened in detail, only clarify that an unacceptable incident has occurred and that it is no longer tenable for you to live in a household where your safety has been compromised.

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