How Can I Stop Snooping on My Boyfriend? 11 Tips for a Healthier Relationship

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 18, 2022 References

We’ve all been there: your boyfriend is sleeping peacefully, and his unlocked phone or computer is just sitting right there. One little peek won’t hurt, right? In reality, snooping through your boyfriend’s things can lead to a lot of problems down the road, and it’s not great for your relationship overall. If you’re stuck in the habit of looking through his messages or DMs, don’t worry—we’ll tell you how to stop and what to do instead.

1

Pause before snooping.

Take a moment to reflect on why, exactly, you want to snoop right now. If you’re feeling tempted to grab his phone or his computer, ask yourself something like, “Do I have a reason to feel worried right now, or am I just anxious?” Then, think about why you’re feeling distrustful and what else you could do instead of snooping.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- You might also ask yourself something like, “If my best friend was going to snoop right now, would I support it?”
- Even if you are feeling worried or anxious, unfortunately, that doesn’t give you the right to snoop. Tell yourself something like, “If I’m feeling worried, I need to talk to my boyfriend, not snoop through his phone or computer.”^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.}

2

Leave the room so you aren’t tempted.

You can distance yourself from his devices if you need to. Take yourself out of the room and away from his stuff anytime you feel like you want to scroll through his phone or his computer. That way, it’s much harder for you to access his things, and you won’t be quite as tempted.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- You can even take yourself out of the house if you need to. Try going for a short walk to distract yourself and clear your head.

3

Distract yourself with something else.

Pick up a new book or start watching your favorite TV show. Sometimes, we snoop simply out of habit or because their device is readily available. If your boyfriend is asleep and his phone is just right there, remove yourself from the space and go do something else. The more you can get your mind off of snooping, the better.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- You could also go for a walk, take a bubble bath, listen to new music, or play with a pet.

4

Respect your BF’s right to privacy.

Everyone has a right to their privacy, even in a relationship. Try to remind yourself that your boyfriend deserves that respect, and you don’t have the right to go through his stuff without his knowledge. If you can keep that in the forefront of your mind, you might be able to dissuade yourself from snooping before it happens.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- You might tell yourself something like, “I wouldn’t want my BF to go through my phone, so I shouldn’t go through his.”

5

Remind yourself that you could be harming your relationship.

Unfortunately, snooping can lead to a breakup. Studies show that the more someone snoops on their partner, the more likely it is that they will eventually part ways.^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source} When you get the urge to snoop, try to tell yourself that what you’re doing is wrong, and it could have unintended consequences.
- For example, you might tell yourself, “Snooping isn’t worth it. If I keep snooping, I could eventually push him away, and I might lose him.”

6

Address your trust issues from past relationships.

Often, trust issues stem from being cheated on in the past. If you had a partner who was unfaithful, it’s no wonder why you’d feel suspicious of your current boyfriend. However, it’s important to remind yourself that your old partner isn’t your new partner, and that not everyone will cheat on you.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- You might tell yourself something like, “He isn’t like my old partner. We trust each other, and we have a much better relationship.”^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.}

7

Talk to your BF about your fears.

Communicate with him about what you’re going through. Your boyfriend will understand that you’re trying to resist the urge to snoop, and he’ll probably appreciate that you’re being open and honest with him.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.} Sit down and have a talk, and don’t be afraid to open up about what you’re going through.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- You could say something like, “Hey honey, I just want you to know that I’m working on some trust issues right now. It has nothing to do with you, but I might be chatting with you about what I’m doing in order to better myself.”

8

Bring up any problems in the relationship.

You might have the urge to snoop because you’re feeling jealous or angry. If your boyfriend is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, talk with him about it and address it fully.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 2 October 2020.} That way, you can get rid of any trust issues that you’re having currently, and you’ll probably feel much less tempted to look through his phone or computer.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- For example, you might say, “Hey babe? Could we talk about the boundaries of our relationship? It makes me feel a little bit weird when you message other people on Facebook and Instagram.”

9

Be open about your own online relationships.

Set the precedent by telling your BF about who you’re talking to online. Tell him openly and honestly about what you’re doing on your phone or computer, and then see if he’ll do the same. This is a great way to build trust within your entire relationship, and it could help you avoid snooping in the future.^{[13]
X
Research source}
- You might say something like, “I mostly use Facebook to keep up with my family members, and I never answer DMs from people I don’t know. What about you?”

10

Set boundaries with your boyfriend.

Talk together as a couple to determine what’s okay and what’s not. Maybe sharing passwords is okay, but you need to ask permission before going through his accounts. Or, maybe he wants to keep all of your devices completely separate. You two can work together as partners to figure out your privacy boundaries and what works best for you.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- For a lot of people, their phones and computers are their own private spaces. If your boyfriend doesn’t want you to have access to them, try to respect that.
- Keep in mind that if you want access to his stuff, you might have to let him have access to yours in order to be fair.

11

Communicate with your boyfriend often.

You may need to have more talks about your trust issues, and that’s okay. Even after you chat with your boyfriend and work on setting boundaries together, there may come a time when you feel tempted to look through his devices. If that happens, just talk with your boyfriend and explain what’s going on. He might be able to reassure you enough so that you feel better.^{[15]
X
Research source}