How to Stop Being Friends with Someone Who's Friends with Your Other Friends

Co-authored by Jessica George, MA, CHt

Last Updated: June 22, 2022 Approved

If you are frustrated or angry with someone and you know you can't be their friend anymore, you may consider ending the friendship. However, that person may be the friend of one of your friends. How can you handle this situation? Start by dealing with it slowly and letting the person know why you don't want to be their friend.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Ending the Friendship

1
Make sure you don't want to be their friend. Oftentimes people will get into arguments and you may feel as if you are done with that person. However, these feelings aren't always permanent. Before you do anything drastic, evaluate your friendship and think of the good and bad things your friend has done to you.
2
Let the person know. Avoid a scene or adding to the drama; try talking with them in private or even in writing over email. Handling the issues one-on-one in person is the best way to make sure you're both heard and understood.
- If it's a person who you know wants to be your friend and you don't want to be theirs, let them down gently. A good thing to say might be "I think we should have a distance for a while. I really need to focus on school right now. I know you want to be my friend, so I hope you understand." Say it nicely.
- If it's a person who does not want to be your friend and you want to be theirs, make sure you understand their reason. Try to sound sad, but not angry at them for their choice. "I understand," is a good way to put things across.
- If you have been through an argument and you both do not want to be friends, you should evaluate this, because the argument may fade and time may heal it. If you're sure you both want to move on from the friendship, the transition should be fairly easy; accept your feelings openly and decide to "cool it" together.
- It’s extremely hard to end friendships gracefully, since there are too many emotions involved. If something terrible has happened that warrants you having to end the relationship, perhaps you can simply slip out and stop contacting or connecting with them without "breaking up" with them.
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3
Keep a distance. The best way to really cool a friendship is to stop hanging out. This may be more difficult if you have shared friends in common, or you attend the same school or workplace. But it's not impossible. Stop calling one another, texting, or hanging out one-on-one. In groups, stay cordial and friendly, but don't seek one another out. Just build a healthy distance, and your friendship will soon become less intense.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Dealing with Your Group of Friends

1
Don't be mean to the person when you're in a group. Don't launch into a deep conversation with that person, but there's no need to be rude. Talk with your other friends and talk to that person if he/she happens to join the conversation. Instead, stay polite and say hi in the hallways sometimes, but do not engage. Act as if he/she were just a classmate and not anything better or worse. Do not give the person the cold shoulder, or they may start to be mean to you too.
2
Stay connected with your group. If the ex-friend is talking with one of your friends, therefore leaving you out, make sure you engage. Don't walk away just because the person you don't like is talking to someone else who you do like. Still, be polite so that your friend doesn't mention anything in public.Also you friend may question you about that person. Tell them slowly and calmly what happened, if your friend is a good one they will understand.
3
Tell your other friends as needed. It's best to avoid making a big scene
4
Deal with any jealousy in a mature way. If a friend of yours is starting to become closer to the person you don't like than you, you may feel jealous. This is okay. But do not be mean or cruel to your friend or that person. Instead try regaining the friendship with that person.
5
Be prepared that one-on-one interactions with your ex-friend may be awkward. You'll both feel it, especially at first. Just try to be polite and talk normally as if you were talking to a friend.
6
Let your friendship (or lack thereof) evolve over time. You may eventually choose to be friends again. Let the friendship evolve naturally, and if you find yourself wanting to talk or hang out more again, just go with it. You don't need to make big public announcements; just let it happen.
- If they want to be your friend but you don't want to be theirs, it is better to avoid making a big scene or saying "no". You can be nice to them, but you don't have to spend all your time with them. Don't feel bad. You can be polite without becoming best friends again; just keep the distance that you feel comfortable with, without being intentionally rude or off-putting.

Community Q&A

Question

There's a girl in my group of friends that everyone likes, but she bullies me. I want to keep away from her, but not my other friends. What do I do?

Community Answer

Talk to your friends when the bully isn't around. Tell your friends you don't like how this girl has been treating you and you need a break from her but still want to hang out with them. Then only make plans with your friends when the bully isn't involved.
Question

What if they start rumors about me and all my others friends start to believe it?

Community Answer

Ignore the rumors because you know they're not true. As for your other friends, try to explain it to them. If they don't believe you and it is truly awful enough for them to stop being your friend, then make new friends.
Question

What if they say someone doesn't like me, like their parents or sister or something?

Community Answer

Ask them why. If a friend's parents or sister don't like you, they probably have some kind of wrong idea about who you are and what you're like. Maybe ask to meet up and discuss it all together and see if you can come to an understanding.