How to Start a Conversation with a Girl You Like

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Last Updated: October 7, 2020 References

If you’re waiting to talk to a girl you like until you’re ready or until the perfect time comes, you may be waiting for a long time! If you like her, now is the time to talk to her. Prepare what you will say first, such as an introduction or hello. Ask her questions and put your attention on to her. Make eye contact and show that you’re friendly and approachable. Be polite and smile, and you’re sure to make a great first impression.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Planning the Conversation

1
Prepare some conversation topics. Have some ideas in mind to build your conversation upon. You may want to stay up on local news, music, radio, or movies. You can talk about television shows, sports, or favorite foods. Have a few things ready to talk about or questions you’d like to ask to keep the conversation going. That way, you can be ready to pick up any lulls in the conversation or move onto a new topic when you need to.^{[1]
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- Build upon what you know about her. For example, if you know she has a cat, ask her about it. If you attend a club together, ask her why she joined it.
2
Choose a good time. Decide when you will talk to her. You may want to go up to her after class or after school. Maybe you want to approach her during lunchtime. If you see each other outside of school, talk to her then. Make sure that she looks relaxed and not in a hurry. Also, make sure you feel confident and have time for a conversation.
- If you know she’s rushing off to something, choose a different time to talk to her. Make sure she has some time for a brief conversation.
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3
Relax. If you’re feeling nervous or anxious, spend a little time relaxing. Notice how you feel: do you have a knot in your stomach? Is your throat tense? Are you shaky? Focus on relaxing any tension in your body. Go for a walk or do some exercise. Find healthy things that help you feel relaxed and not stressed.^{[2]
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HelpGuide
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- Use calm breathing to help ease your tension or anxiety. Breathe in through your nose for about four seconds, then hold your breath for one to two seconds. Exhale slowly out of your mouth for four seconds. Do about six to eight cycles of calm breathing and you’ll likely feel less nervous.^{[3]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Opening the Conversation

1
Introduce yourself. If you’ve never talked to her, be sure to introduce yourself. When introducing yourself, say your name, then ask for her name. Make eye contact and if possible, face her. If you want to be polite, shake her hand. Say something simple like, “Hi, I’m Devin. We have math together. What’s your name?”
- One she tells you her name, say her name back to her by saying, “It’s nice to meet you, Genevieve.”
2
Have an opening line. You don’t need to overly plan what you’ll first say to her, but you do want to be somewhat prepared. This can be as simple as asking, “How are you?” or, “How is your day going?” Keep the conversation going after this. If you have something in common, say it now. This might include going to the same synagogue, volunteering at the same organization, or both liking roller blading. If you have a class together, say, “Can I walk with you to class?” Perhaps you like the same sports teams, so you can ask, “Did you see the game last night?”
- Make your first line friendly and approachable so that she can respond back to you. No need for a cheesy “pickup line” or icebreaker.
3
Be confident and show it. Starting any new relationship or wanting to start a new relationship can be a very intimidating experience for many people. Realize that the girl you wish to have a conversation with may be just as nervous as you. Your best bet is to approach any new conversation with the girl with confidence. Avoid seeking her approval, as it sends her the signal that you are not confident with your own decisions or opinions in life.
- Approach a conversational topic with a lighthearted playfulness.
- Keep her guessing just enough to want to know more.
- Be respectful and kind in any approach to conversations you have with her. If she says something that made you feel self-conscious of yourself, don’t overreact. Move on to a different topic with added wit and humor.
4
Express lightheartedness and be fun. Especially when you are starting or initiating any conversation with a girl, avoid heavy loaded and negative statements or comments. Avoid tense topics such as politics or religion. Once you’ve been able to further establish a relationship with this girl, and after many more future conversations, should one approach such heavy handed topics. Even then, it should be approached with caution and with much respect for another person’s opinions.
- Keep all conversations light, easy flowing and fun.
- Take this opportunity to ask the girl questions about herself expressing your interest in her likes, dislikes, and hobbies. If the girl starts to speak about negative topics, just gently redirect the conversation in another direction.
5
Smile. Smiling is a simple way to be pleasant and approachable. It shows that you are friendly and open.^{[4]
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Research source} People tend to feel safe or let their guard down around others who smile. This can be especially useful at the beginning of a conversation.
- Just don’t smile too much, as she might think it’s creepy. Smile when it’s appropriate, like when you walk up to her, when she says something funny, or when you’re enthusiastic about something.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Keeping the Conversation Going

1
Be polite. Brush up on your conversation manners. For example, don’t interrupt or dominate the conversation. Don’t use crude or naughty language. Stay focused on the conversation, even if you receive a phone call or text message. Keep the conversation pleasant by not telling off-color jokes or stories or saying something that may be offensive.^{[5]
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- Generally, you want to stay away from controversial topics like political opinions, details about a health problem, pet peeves, anybody’s weight, and financial problems.
2
Ask open-ended questions. Find ways to keep her engaged in conversation by asking open-ended questions. Avoid asking yes or no questions, as the conversation can drop quickly. Instead, ask her opinions on things, or ask her to tell you more about something. If she answers a question abruptly, ask a follow-up question.^{[6]
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- For example, instead of asking, “Are you going to class?” ask, “What class are you going to?” Then, follow up with, “How do you like that teacher?”
3
Listen intently. You might want to show her what a great catch you are or tell her all the great things about yourself. Save it. Show your interest in her by actually being interested in her! Give her your attention and listen to what she says. Show that you’re listening by asking questions built on what she has said.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Don’t get distracted by other things happening around you and instead, put your full attention onto her. Listen not only to the words she is saying, but how she is saying them.^{[8]
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- Listen to her tone of voice, how engaged she is, and how much she is interacting with you.
4
Engage her. Ask her questions, laugh when she’s funny, and engage with what she says. She’ll get bored if all you do is talk about yourself. Your main part of the conversation is to focus on listening and understanding her.^{[9]
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- This doesn’t mean ignoring her when she asks you a question or glossing over any interaction she has with you. Do interact with her, but put most of your attention in being interested in what she says.
- Let her ask about you instead of telling her. For example, if you want to tell her about the sports you play, let her ask. If she asks, “What do you do for fun?” you can respond with, “I love playing water polo. I’m actually the captain of the team.”
5
Avoid bragging or showing off. Girls are often quick to lose interest in a conversation if they clearly see that you're flaunting and bragging about all of the things you have or can do. Bragging can also give off the impression that you are insecure with who you are and that you are seeking approval . Bragging is another way of covering your true self up by all the things you have, or all the talents you can do.
- Think of the way a salesman might approach you in selling a brand new car. It may look beautiful on the surface and have all of the new technology, but does that mean that it is a smooth running vehicle that you will want to keep around? Probably not. It is what is under the hood that matters, what makes it run even when it gets messy. So, instead of bragging, try approaching a conversation with a sense of humbleness and groundedness.
6
Balance the conversation. While it’s important for you to act interested in her and ask her questions, make sure that you’re giving quality responses to any questions she may ask you. Try to split the conversation 50/50 so that each of you are both listening and talking about equally.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}^{[11]
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- If you realize that you’re talking too much, ask her a question. For example, say, “Where did you grow up? “ or, “Tell me about what you like to do for fun.”

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Using Nonverbal Communication

1
Show open body language. Show that you’re interested and engaged not only with your words but also with your body. For example, don’t cross your arms or legs. Keep an open posture to communicate openness and approachability. Stand or sit an appropriate distance away from her: don’t be too close where it invades her personal space yet don’t be too far away that you can’t hear each other.^{[12]
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- Lean in while she’s talking. This will bring you closer and show that you’re interested.
2
Make great eye contact. Making eye contact is one of the best ways to show that you’re engaged in the conversation and interested in what she’s saying. It also helps you appear confident and open. If you’re not making eye contact with her, she might think you’re disinterested or nervous.^{[13]
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- You don’t have to make constant eye contact. Just make sure to look her in the eyes throughout the conversation. Most people make eye contact two-thirds of the time, so aim for about that time or perhaps just slightly more.
3
Look at her cues. Notice how she’s acting while you talk. Is she smiling or laughing? Is she asking you questions back? Is she making eye contact? These are ways to gauge her interest in you and the conversation. If she’s enjoying the interactions, keep it up! If she seems annoyed, is looking away, or giving short responses, you may want to try again later or conclude that she’s disinterested.^{[14]
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- Remember that she might be nervous, too. If she’s acting shy or anxious, try to make her feel comfortable by asking more about her or by telling a joke to lighten the mood.