Should My Boyfriend Tell Me What to Wear? 3 Reasons Why He Shouldn't

Co-authored by Jay Reid, LPCC and Eric McClure

Last Updated: May 18, 2022 References

If your boyfriend has been telling you what you can and can't wear, you may be feeling confused, taken aback, and hurt. It's never okay for anyone to tell you what you can wear, let alone your boyfriend. Everyone has the right to decide that for themselves. Keep reading to learn why it's a red flag when someone tries to tell you what to wear, plus how you can stand up for yourself and stop it from continuing.

Section 1 of 5:

Is it okay for your boyfriend to choose what you wear?

No, that’s not normal or healthy behavior. In a healthy relationship, one partner doesn’t control what the other person gets to wear.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Lia Huynh, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 5 May 2022.} What you wear should be completely up to you—it’s your wardrobe and your body! If your boyfriend is telling you otherwise, that is a red flag.^{[2]
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Section 2 of 5:

Why Your Partner Shouldn't be Choosing Your Clothes

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It’s your body. No one should tell you what to do with your body, including what food to eat, what hairstyle to have, or what clothes to wear. Everyone has the right to make decisions for themselves when it comes to their own body and what clothes they choose to live in.^{[3]
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It's up to you how you express yourself. Your appearance is an expression of who you are. The reason people dress the way they do goes back to how they feel about themselves, and how they want others to see them. You have sole authority over how you present yourself.^{[4]
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It’s unfair to you. When someone tells you what to wear, it implies that you’re incapable of making that decision for yourself, which isn't true. It’s not fair for your boyfriend to suggest that you can’t pick your own outfits.^{[5]
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Section 3 of 5:

Why Your Boyfriend Tries to Tell You What to Wear

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He may be insecure. Some men try to control what their partner wears because they're insecure and worried about their partner getting attention from other people because of their clothes.^{[6]
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Lia Huynh, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 5 May 2022.} However, just because someone is insecure doesn't mean they get to dictate what their partner can and can't wear.^{[7]
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- If your boyfriend is normally possessive or needs a lot of reassurance that you like him, it's likely that he's insecure.
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He might be controlling. If a man tells you what to wear, that's a red flag that he may be controlling and even potentially abusive. Keep your eye out for other red flags including:^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
University of Rochester Medical Center
Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
Go to source}
- He humiliates or insults you. He comments on your weight and looks constantly.
- He demands your attention or requires you to behave a certain way towards him.
- He blames you for things you have no control over.
- He threatens you, or gives you ultimatums.
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He may have regressive attitudes towards women and sex. Some men think that there’s something wrong with women wearing revealing clothing. They wrongly believe that the way a woman dresses means they’re promiscuous. If this is where your boyfriend is coming from, he may have some problematic and misguided beliefs.^{[10]
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Section 4 of 5:

What to Do If Your Boyfriend Tells You What to Wear

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Tell him that you don’t appreciate it. Stand up to him and make it clear that you aren’t comfortable with him telling you how to dress. You can be curt and straightforward if you want to really put your foot down, or laugh it off for a more dismissive approach. Just make it clear that this isn’t okay.^{[11]
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Research source} You might say:
- “You don’t get to tell me what to wear.”
- “I appreciate the suggestion, but I’ll pass.”
- “Why do you think it’s appropriate to tell me what to wear?”
- “I’m not a doll you get to dress up. Please don’t do that.”
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Have a conversation about why he thinks this is okay. Ask him to explain why he thinks what he’s doing is appropriate so that you can work through this together. Maybe he doesn’t understand why this would be rude, or maybe he did a poor job of communicating and didn’t mean it. This can also separate abusive guys from guys who just don’t understand why they’re saying something rude.^{[12]
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- You might say, “Hey, why did you do that? You get why telling me what to wear is kind of insulting, right? What was going through your head there.”
- A reasonable guy might say, “Sorry, I was trying to be funny; we’re going to a formal dinner and I don’t think they’ll let you in with sandals. I wasn’t trying to insult you.”
- An abusive jerk might go, “I didn’t like what you’re wearing. It’s too revealing. Change.”
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Consider leaving the relationship if your boyfriend is controlling. It is completely reasonable to break up with someone who thinks it’s okay to tell you what you are or are not allowed to wear. If you take this as a sign that it’s time to pack your bags and leave, don’t blame yourself.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- This is a major red flag and if it’s early in the relationship, it’s an especially bad sign.

Section 5 of 5:

Is there any valid reason for your boyfriend asking you to change your clothes?

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It’s reasonable if you’re attending an event with a dress code. If you happen to be going to an event with a dress code and you either didn’t get the memo or you misinterpreted what the dress code was, it’s okay for him to ask if you’d be able to change your clothes. He still shouldn’t be making demands though, so the wording matters quite a bit here.
- For example, “Hey, they mentioned it’s black tie only on the invitation. Do you think your red dress works?” is a totally reasonable comment.
- If he says something like, “You can’t wear that top. It’s inappropriate,” this may be a red flag.
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It’s okay if he suggests something kindly because he’s attracted to it. If your boyfriend playfully asks you to wear “that cute red dress,” he’s flirting in a playful way (and he thinks you’re hot in that dress). It’s normal for people to say things like this when they’re comfortable with their partner, so unless he’s making demands, this one isn’t a big deal.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Lia Huynh, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 5 May 2022.}
- So long as he isn’t dictating what you wear and merely making a request, he’s probably not a bad guy. With that said, feel free to speak up if it makes you uncomfortable when he does this.
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It’s fine if you like his advice or you enjoy him telling you what to wear. Everybody is different, and if you happen to find your boyfriend’s suggestions and ideas helpful, it’s okay! Alternatively, if you’re the kind of person who actually really likes it when your boyfriend “dresses you up,” that’s alright, too. So long as you consent to this, you’re happy, and he’s not a controlling jerk, you shouldn’t feel bad about this arrangement.^{[15]
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- Hey, if you’ve got a crazy stylish boyfriend or he designs clothes for a living, maybe you appreciate his comments!
- There are girls out there who really enjoy being submissive and actively seek out partners who are slightly “controlling” in this way. If that’s you, don’t feel guilty about it!
- Again, he still shouldn’t be demanding that you dress a certain way. These should be suggestions.