How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Hunter Rising

Last Updated: January 31, 2022 References

While it might feel like you shouldn't have any limits with your spouse (they are the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with, after all!), it's important to set healthy boundaries in your marriage so you both feel happy and respected in the long term. What kind of boundaries are important in a marriage though? And how do you actually go about setting them with your spouse? Keep reading to learn more about what boundaries are, how to set them, and what types of boundaries are important in any marriage.

Section 1 of 4:

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are limits for what you’re comfortable with in a relationship. Boundaries tell your spouse what’s acceptable and what crosses the line in your relationship. You set a healthy boundary when you talk about your personal expectations and your partner respects them. When you set a boundary around something, you should be able to say “no” to the things you don’t like or don’t want to do without any pushback.^{[1]
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Section 2 of 4:

Why are boundaries in marriage important?

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Boundaries help you feel secure and respected in your relationship. While it might seem easier to keep your feelings to yourself when you’re upset, your partner won’t know that they’re pushing your boundaries. When you clearly talk about what feels good and what doesn’t in your relationship, it allows you to build more trust and work through hard times together.^{[2]
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Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} If your partner knows and respects your boundaries, they’re less likely to do something that crosses the line.^{[3]
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- Even though it may sound restrictive, boundaries can help you be more spontaneous. Since you already know what your partner is comfortable with, you know what to avoid so they don’t feel uncomfortable.
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You retain your individuality when you set boundaries. When you’re together with your spouse, it can be really tempting to do everything to please them, but that could lead to getting taken advantage of. When you set a boundary, you’re asserting to your partner what’s important in your life and standing up for what you believe so you stay true to yourself.^{[4]
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- Every person and relationship has unique boundaries and different expectations for what makes them happy.^{[5]
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They help you and your partner understand what you need to be happy. When you don’t talk about what makes you uncomfortable in your relationship, you or your spouse might continue doing things that upset you. Rather than bottling up your feelings, talking about what you want lets your partner recognize the things that are really important for a successful relationship.^{[6]
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Section 3 of 4:

Examples of Healthy Marriage Boundaries

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Personal time and space. Spending all your time with your spouse might make you lose your sense of self, so it’s important to stay true to who you are. Another similar boundary could be asking your spouse if they want to do something together before asking your friends if they want to hang out.^{[7]
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- You might set a boundary of having alone time for 30 minutes every day so you can focus on one of your hobbies.
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Communication. Clear and calm communication can really help strengthen your marriage, so talk about how you want to handle your discussions.^{[8]
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Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} Think of a plan for how you talk to one another so you can respectfully work through issues together and come to a resolution.^{[9]
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- You may have a boundary where you ask if your spouse is ready for a serious discussion to make sure they’re in a good mood.
- You could say that if you start feeling tensions rise in an argument that you’ll take an hour to calm down before continuing the discussion.
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Envy and jealousy. If you or your partner is more successful than the other person, it could lead to some jealous feelings. Be open and honest with your feelings so you can work on a solution.^{[10]
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- For example, your boundary may be that when you start feeling envious, you start working on something productive rather than bringing up your feelings to your spouse.
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Support versus stepping in. When your spouse goes through a tough situation, you may want to try and solve their problems on your own. However, that may overstep a boundary and make them uncomfortable for trying to take control.^{[11]
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- You may decide that if your spouse and their parents have issues, you’ll let them work it out on their own.
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In-laws and family. Now that you’re a married couple, you probably want space from your family. Talk with your spouse about how often you want to see your family or how much you want to communicate with them.^{[12]
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- You may ask your spouse to let you know ahead of time when their parents are stopping by.
- You might decide that you spend certain holidays with your family and other holidays with your spouse’s family.
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Sharing relationship details. While you might want to talk about all the details of your relationship with your friends, it might make your spouse feel uncomfortable. List the aspects of your relationship that are fair game to talk about with anyone and what information you want to keep between you and your partner.^{[13]
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- You might set a boundary not to talk about your sex life with anyone outside of your marriage.
- One of your boundaries could be not to post about any relationship issues online.
- If you have an issue in your relationship, let your spouse know first so you don’t talk behind their back.
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Intimacy. You’ll find that you can grow a lot closer and feel more intimate when you communicate about what happens in the bedroom. Let your spouse know what you’re comfortable with sexually and tell them what you don’t like so they don’t pressure you into something you don’t want.^{[14]
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- You may set a boundary to have your spouse ask if you’re in the mood before they start doing anything sexually.
- As another example, you may tell your spouse that you do not like certain positions or actions that they do.
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Infidelity. Some people might think cheating only means having an affair, but your spouse may have a different definition. Have a talk about how you communicate and interact with people outside of your relationship and what could be considered cheating.^{[15]
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- You may ask for your spouse to let you know when they’re spending time with someone one-on-one.
- You might set a boundary that you have to tell your spouse why and when you’re talking with a new coworker or friend of the opposite sex.
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Physical abuse. You should not tolerate any sort of abusive relationship, especially if your partner gets physical. Let your partner know that you won’t stick around if there are any signs of physical abuse.^{[16]
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Section 4 of 4:

How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Your Marriage

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Think about the things you need to be happy and fulfilled. Focus on what you value the most in your life and what really makes you feel content.^{[17]
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Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 18 January 2022.} Try to be introspective and figure out what you personally need from your spouse to feel satisfied in your relationship. It might take a little while to figure out what you need the most, but take your time to sit with your feelings so you can name what’s the most important.^{[18]
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- For example, you may value having some alone time, openly communicating, and spending intimate time with your spouse.
- Think about the times in your relationship where you felt the most love and joy. These are usually when your spouse respects your boundaries, even if you haven’t explicitly said them yet.
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Ask yourself what makes you feel uncomfortable in your relationship. When something makes you upset or anxious, that means that it’s either crossed or pushed one of your boundaries. Consider the things that make you feel that way so you can identify what triggers your emotions and talk about them with your partner.^{[19]
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- For example, you might feel uncomfortable about the way you and your spouse handle disagreements or how they intrude in your personal life.
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Communicate your needs clearly to your partner. Find a quiet time where you can sit down and discuss your boundaries with your partner. Tell them how you’re feeling using “I” statements so it doesn’t sound like you’re blaming or accusing them of everything. Be completely open and honest about how you’re feeling and what you need so your partner fully understands your boundaries.^{[20]
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- For example, you could say something like, “I feel stressed out when I don’t have time for myself when I come from work,” or, “I get uncomfortable when we start shouting whenever there’s a disagreement.”
- Your partner won’t be able to make any changes if you aren’t honest with them about your feelings. If something bothers you, don’t be afraid to speak up.
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Choose consequences for breaking your boundaries. Talk with your spouse about why you value your boundary and try to figure out what feels like a reasonable reaction to crossing the line. Make sure you pick something that you’re able to follow through with. Otherwise, your spouse may push your boundaries knowing that you won’t do anything in response.^{[21]
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- For example, you might say, “I deserve to be respected, so if you hurt my feelings, I will call you out on it and let you know how what you said makes me feel,” or, “I want to work through solutions calmly, so if you yell at me while we’re discussing something, I will ask you to leave and cool down.”
- Consequences don’t have to necessarily be bad. For example, a consequence of getting into a heated argument might be stepping away for a few minutes before resuming the conversation.
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Listen to and respect your partner’s boundaries. Your partner will have different boundaries for themselves, so give them a chance to talk through them as well. Give them your full attention without any distractions and ask them questions if you’re confused about anything they tell you. Keep an open and honest dialogue so you don’t run into any issues later on.^{[22]
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- If you have conflicting boundaries, you may need to come to a compromise that works for both of you. For example, if you want more time to yourself and your spouse wants more time together, you may compromise on having a scheduled date night.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you set healthy boundaries with your partner?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

All relationships are about getting to know each other and engaging in healthy conflict. Healthy boundaries, then, are about knowing our needs, effectively communicating them and attempting to respect our partner's needs.
Question

Can you compromise with boundaries?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

In short, yes. Sometimes what you need might be in opposition to a partner's needs. In some cases, you both need to compromise or to say something like, "This specific thing I cannot compromise on, but I have some flexibility in these other areas surrounding that".

Warnings

Boundaries that are controlling or used as a way to change your partner are unhealthy since they limit what your partner can do and might feel manipulative.^{[24]
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