Newly Married? How to Set Boundaries with Your Parents as You Start Your Own Life

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 11, 2022 References

When you’re newly married, you probably want to focus on your spouse and building a life together. However, dealing with parents who overstep their boundaries can make that a little tough. Thankfully, there are ways you can set strict boundaries with your parents and uphold them while maintaining your relationship.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

1

Discuss your boundaries with your partner.

You and your new spouse should be a unified team. If you’re talking to your parents, have a chat with your partner about the boundaries you need to set. They might have some insight into what you should say or do, and they can help you come up with scripting or specific things to say.^{[1]
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- You might need to set boundaries about lending your parents money, coming over to your house without asking, or even how often they spend time with your children.

2

Sit down with your parents for a discussion.

Pick a time when everyone’s free and nobody’s stressed. The middle of a holiday party probably isn’t a great time to talk, but a lazy Sunday afternoon is fine. If you think your parents might cause a scene, meet in one of your homes. Otherwise, you can talk at a restaurant or a cafe.^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
Go Ask Alice
Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
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3

Be clear about what you want and need.

State your boundaries clearly so there’s no confusion.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.} Remember what you and your partner discussed, and try not to leave anything out. If you have any specific examples, you can add those in as well. When explaining your point of view, use I-statements to avoid making your parents defensive.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Say something like:^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
Go Ask Alice
Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University
Go to source}
- “I wanted to talk to you both about coming by the house. If you’re going to come over, I need you to call or text me at least an hour ahead of time. That way, I can let you know if we’re free or not.”
- “I love you both, but I’m not going to be able to lend you money anymore. Jerry and I want to start a family, so we need to start saving up.”

4

Be assertive, and don’t back down.

Your parents might act shocked or offended, but that’s okay. Don’t let them make you feel bad for standing up for yourself.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.} Remember that you’re in the right for setting boundaries, and your parents shouldn’t be allowed to paint themselves as the victims.^{[7]
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- You can still be compassionate while being assertive. Remind your parents that you love them, and that you’re only doing what’s best for you and your relationship.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.}
- You might follow up your boundaries with something like, “This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I want our relationship to change. I’m just doing what’s best for us as a couple now that we’re married.”

5

Keep your answers short and sweet.

Your parents might have questions about the boundaries you set. Answer their questions with short, simple phrases so they get the message. If they’re intentionally trying to get a rise out of you, keep your emotions in check and try to stay calm.^{[9]
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- For instance, your parents might ask, “So does this mean you don’t ever want us to stop by?” You might say, “No, that’s not what I said. I just want you to call or text me ahead of time so I know you’re coming.”

6

Practice deep breathing to remain calm.

Setting boundaries can be stressful. If you find yourself getting angry or annoyed with your parents, take a few deep breaths and count to 10. If you can’t calm yourself down, it might be best to take a walk or go to the other room until you feel okay.^{[10]
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- This is especially important if your parents are trying to get a rise out of you.

7

Remind yourself that it’s okay to set boundaries.

Setting boundaries often comes with a lot of guilt. However, you don’t need to feel bad for asserting yourself and standing up for what you need.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.} If your parents truly love you, they’ll understand why you need to set these boundaries with them.^{[12]
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Research source}
- If you’re struggling with guilt, repeat things to yourself like, “It’s okay to set boundaries,” “You did a good job setting that boundary, even though it was uncomfortable,” or, “Just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.”^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.}

8

Say no to your parents if they push your boundaries.

Your parents might push the limits of your boundaries at first. If they do, simply tell them no. You don’t need to explain yourself, but if you’d like to, you can remind them of the boundary you set and why you are keeping it.^{[14]
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- For instance, if your mom shows up on your doorstep without calling first, you might say, “No, you can’t come in. I’m super busy right now. If you had called, I could have told you that and saved you a trip.”

9

Stand up for your spouse.

Your parents may try to blame your spouse for your boundaries. Remember that this isn’t the case, and you two are a team now. If your parents try to talk badly about your partner, tell them that it’s unacceptable and they can’t do that.^{[15]
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- Say something like, “That’s my wife you’re talking about, and I won’t have you talking badly about her when she’s not around. If there’s an issue, we can all sit down and talk about it like adults.”

10

Be polite to your parents.

Don’t talk badly about your parents, even with your spouse. Invite them to family functions and have them over for dinner occasionally. As long as they respect your boundaries, you can continue to hang out with them and treat them well.^{[16]
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- If they don’t respect your boundaries, you may need to sit down with them for another talk. Tell them that their lack of respect is affecting your relationship.^{[17]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Adam Dorsay, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
  Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.}

11

Seek professional help if you need to.

People often find therapy very helpful when setting boundaries. If you grew up with parents who constantly pushed your boundaries, suddenly standing up to them can feel super tough. If you need to, talk to a mental health professional for help about your specific situation.^{[18]
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- Sometimes family counseling can be helpful as well, but it’s usually tough to get parents to agree to that.

Expert Q&A

Question

What happens when you start setting boundaries?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Boundaries allow you to not only establish healthy and respectful relationships but also establish the parameters of your life.
Question

Is it bad to have boundaries?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Not at all! Boundaries are specific guidelines, standards, desires, rules, or limits that an individual establishes to protect themselves and others. They aren't a denial of your love and affection for someone; rather, they're a way for you to ask others to treat you with respect.
Question

Why is it healthy to set boundaries?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Boundaries make it clear what we are and aren't willing to allow. If we begin to compromise our own personal integrity, then others will think that it's acceptable to cross that line.