How to See Yourself As Others See You

Appreciate the value of mirroring. We are actually biologically wired to mirror one another. Mirror neurons become excited when we engage with others. This sometimes results in mimicked physical expression, and allows us to internally experience the emotional states of others.^[7] This is the biological basis for empathy. We understand the emotions of others by feeling them ourselves. ^[8] This responsible for the connection we feel when sharing personal stories with one another. Empathy helps us to develop compassion and establish rapport.

• The internal experience of mirroring typically happens automatically and outside of our conscious control. This means it usually happens whether you want it to or not, and may affect your outward behavior, without awareness.

Recognize how mirroring is effecting your behavior. As you become more self-aware you'll realize mirroring affects your posture, mannerisms, speech, emotions, and even breathing. While this is typically a good thing, in some instances you may notice you are adopting the negative emotions of others and your emotional experience intensifies as those around you become increasingly agitated.^[9] If you become aware your thoughts or feelings about a particular person or subject are more negative after interacting with another, reflect upon whether there was any real change in the circumstances or if you may have been feeding off the negativity of the other person.

• While the inward experience of mirroring is often automatic, you are in control of the outward expressions of mirroring. You can choose to respond contrary to mirroring.

Ask a friend to observe you interacting with another and make notes of exaggerated or inhibited expressions of mirroring. These notes will be important to help you and your friend become more aware of the specific behavior you are looking to change. Then create some sort of sign, like tugging an ear, so your friend can alert you and make you more aware when you are mimicking inappropriately. You can then consciously alter your behavior.

• Identify when mirroring may be reinforcing particular responses or shading perceptions. Because mirroring largely occurs beyond our awareness, variations in expressions of mirroring unknowingly impact others' impressions of us. Those who fail to express outward signs of mirroring may be seen as cold and unfeeling, while those who mirror vigorously may be viewed as reactive, aggressive, unstable, or annoying.^[10]
• If you find impressions of you are skewed because of atypical mirroring patterns, you will either have to accept others' characterization of you, or consciously work to change your mirroring patterns. You may need to actively work to increase or decrease your mimicking of others. You can practice increasing or decreasing mimicking with close friends.

Deescalate intensifying patterns of responses. Mirroring can become cyclical in face to face interaction. As one person becomes agitated, so does the other. The interaction then becomes increasingly heated, volume typically increases, speech becomes more pressured, language becomes more aggressive, and hand gestures and facial expressions become more exaggerated. If you easily become caught up in these types of escalating interactions, you might consider whether the interaction is representative of your actual feelings about the subject. Are others witnessing your passion for the subject, or a runaway fit of mirroring. Once you become aware your participation in the interaction no longer represents how you actually feel about the subject, you can alter the tone of the conversation. The great thing about recognizing when mirroring may be resulting in a poor representation of your thoughts and feelings is that you can then use the same cyclical nature of mirroring to change the interaction. This is a way to manage impressions and make sure others see you accurately.

• If the discussion has become more negative than you'd like, you can introduce positive expressions. Occasionally smiling softly, will elicit similar behavior in response.
• Progressively decrease your volume and soften your language to reduce intensity.
• Laughing will result in injections of humor from others to lighten the mood.

Engaging in reflective listening, as the listener, to be sure your perception of the talker is accurate. Tell the talker you'd like to engage in reflective listening to make sure you are understanding. This will create lots of opportunity for you to get clarification and to verify your perceptions of the other.

• Your responses to others may be distorted because of personal biases or projections. Sigmund Freud introduced projection as a defense mechanism and was later expanded upon by Anna Freud.To avoid dealing with our own unacceptable or undesirable thoughts and feelings, we attribute them to another person.^[11] This then colors our impressions of the other person's behaviors and shapes the way we respond to him or her. This in turn, influences the other's perception of you. To be sure you are accurately perceiving others and responding appropriately, you should seek to verify your perceptions.

Be honest with yourself. We engage in self-deception to protect our sense of self. We all possess traits and display behavior we are not proud of.^[12] Carl Jung referred to the collection of these unsavory traits and unacceptable thoughts and feelings as the shadow. Projecting our shadow onto others relieves us of the guilt and shame we experience when we acknowledge it. Others will not be so willfully blind of these parts of your personality, so denying them will only inhibit your ability to see yourself as others see you. If others have commented about your jealousy, or intolerance, or any other trait most would like to deny, explore the possibility you are indeed those things and accept them.

• If something about your personality causes you enough distress that you would rather lie or hide it, you should be working to change it. You must first acknowledge the trait(s) to change them.