How to Say No to a Friend

Co-authored by Jennifer Butler, MSW and Amber Crain

Last Updated: March 20, 2023 References

Saying no to a friend can be hard, but you have every right to say no without feeling guilty. Try to remember that saying no to a friend doesn't make you a bad friend. It’s okay if you don’t want to do certain things. When you tell your friend no, be firm and use a kind tone of voice. If possible, offer an alternative or explain why you’re saying no, but don't feel like you have to apologize or feel guilty about your choice.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Being Direct

1
Be firm but kind. Respond in a firm tone of voice that makes it clear to your friend that you’ve made up your mind. There’s a fine line between being firm and sounding impolite, though! Phrase your response in a considerate way and try to avoid curt, one-word answers.^{[1]
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- For example, if your friend asks you to go to a party or event and you don’t want to, don’t say, “No, I don’t feel like it.” Try something like, “Thanks for inviting me, but that’s not really my scene.”
2
Respond in a concise way. While you should avoid being too brisk with your friend, don’t feel like you have to provide some elaborate response. Over-justifying yourself probably won't seem genuine and they may even think you're outright lying to them. Also, if you give too many specific reasons for why you can’t do something, your friend my start offering workarounds when the truth is, you just don’t want to do it.^{[2]
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- For example, a good, concise response would be, “I wish I could help, but unfortunately my schedule is already jam-packed.”
- Try something like, “I’m flattered that you asked me, but I can’t this time.”
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3
Use clear language to avoid any misunderstandings. Avoid responses like “Maybe,” “Let me check my schedule,” and “Give me a call later” if you already know your answer is definitely “no.” Halfhearted answers like these are unclear and easily misinterpreted. Your friend may assume that you’ll move your schedule around to accommodate or that you're considering what they asked of you.^{[3]
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- Go for a clear response like, “Thanks for inviting me, but I have something else to do that day and I can’t get out of it.”
- Another good option might be, “Thanks for the babysitting offer, but I have a part-time job now and I really don’t have extra time.”
4
Don’t delay your response. It may seem easier to put your friend off by saying something like, “I’ll think about it” or “Let me get back to you,” but you’re only delaying the inevitable. Waiting to give an answer may also put your friend in a bind, which could result in some anger later on.^{[4]
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- For example, if your friend asks you to help with a project and you say, “Let me get back to you,” you’re wasting their time when they could be looking for someone else to help them instead.
5
Avoid apologizing repeatedly. Something like, “I’m sorry, but I can’t” is totally fine, but elaborate and profuse apologizing is unnecessary and may even make your friend feel like they should be mad at you—you’ve clearly done something that warrants multiple apologies! Stick with one empathetic apology and move on.^{[5]
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- For example, you might say, “I’m really sorry, I wish that I could loan you $20, but I just don’t have it right now.”
6
Don’t be afraid to say “no” twice, if necessary. You may have a friend who doesn’t respect boundaries or who is very persistent. If you’ve caved and said “yes” to something in the past, especially after initially saying “no,” your friend may think they can get away with this behavior again. If they keep asking you the same question, you may need to be a little blunt to get through to your friend.^{[6]
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- For example, you might need to say, “I definitely can’t/don’t want to do that. The answer is ‘no’ and I won’t change my mind on this.”
7
Change the subject or walk away if your friend is being pushy. If you’ve turned your friend down multiple times and they still won’t respect or accept your answer, it’s perfectly fine to just walk away. You declined as politely as you could more than once, very bluntly, and there’s nothing else you can really do. If you hang around, they’ll just keep asking.^{[7]
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- If you feel bad about walking off, you can say something like, “I have to get to a meeting/class/work. See you later.”
- If your friend is really pushing it, walking off without another word may be the best way to get your point across.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Softening the Blow

1
Offer an alternative or say “yes” to something else. Offering something else while also saying “no” to the original question can definitely help if you’re worried about hurting your friend’s feelings. For example, you could say something like, “I can’t help you write the essay, but I’m heading to the library right now, so I can help you look for some books and resources.”^{[8]
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- Or you might say, “I can’t go to your sister’s birthday party because I already have plans that day, but do you want to hang out at the mall with me tonight?”
2
Provide an explanation but keep it brief. Saying “no” without giving any explanation at all may come off as callous or rude. If you’re worried about upsetting your friend, offering an explanation can help them understand why you’re declining. The key is to keep your explanation brief and to the point. You don’t need to over-explain yourself, and doing so could make it seem like you’re just making up excuses.^{[9]
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- For example, you might say, “I can’t go to that party because I don’t want to see Erik and I know he’s going to be there. We just broke up and I’m just not ready for that.”
3
Use a sympathetic tone. Turning someone down can easily hurt their feelings, and some subjects are more delicate than others. Empathizing with your friend shows them that you care about their feelings and that your “no” isn’t personal. For example, you might say, “I know how much it means to you, and it really stinks that I can’t be there. I wish I could be.”^{[10]
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- You might also try something like, “I wish I could help with that, but I can’t. I dealt with something similar last year, so I definitely understand how rough it can be.”
4
Thank your friend if you’re turning down an offer or opportunity. If a friend offers to help you with something, it’s only polite to say “thank you,” even if it’s something that you definitely don’t want or have no interest in doing. For example, you might say, “Thanks so much for offering to let me borrow your prom dress from last year. You rock that style, but it doesn’t look nearly as good on me.”^{[11]
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- Or, you could say, “Thank you for offering to get me an interview at your company! That’s really flattering, but I don’t think my skills will be a good fit.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Avoiding Guilty Feelings

1
Remind yourself that it’s okay to say “no.”^{[12]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.} It’s easy to feel bad about saying “no” to a friend, but chances are, you have a really good reason! It’s important to take time to rest if you’re exhausted and overworked. If your friend wants you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn’t feel obligated. Sometimes, saying “no” really is the best option for everyone.^{[13]
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- In the long run, always saying “yes” to a friend, even when you don’t want to, could make you feel bitter or resentful toward that person, and that’s not good.
2
Focus on the reasons behind your decision. If you find yourself feeling really guilty, remind yourself why you said no in the first place.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.} Maybe saying “yes” will require you to sacrifice time that you desperately need for something else. Perhaps saying “yes” will force you to go against beliefs that are very important to you. There’s a reason you said “no” and keeping it in mind can keep the guilt at bay.^{[15]
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3
Keep your friend’s best interests in mind. If your friend is pressuring you to do something harmful or dangerous, like take drugs or cheat on a test, saying “no” might prevent them from going through with something they’ll regret. At the very least, it will probably make them reconsider. As a true friend, it’s your responsibility to keep your friend’s best interests in mind. Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad friend.^{[16]
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- For example, if your friend asks you to sneak out to go to a wild party with older kids, don't feel guilty for declining. She may decide to skip the party if she has to go by herself, which means she won’t be offered drugs and alcohol or drive while intoxicated.
4
Don’t dwell on the situation. In most situations, the best thing to do is just say “no” to your friend and move on. Chances are, your answer won’t be keeping your friend up at night, so there’s no reason for you to waste time feeling bad about it. You may feel a twinge of guilt at the time, and that’s normal. Just remind yourself that it’s okay to say "no" and let that guilty feeling pass.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}
5
Remember that a real friend should accept your answer. Even if your friend is a little upset with you, holding a grudge against you is unacceptable. No matter what your reasons are for saying “no,” a true friend will respect and accept your decision, even if they don't understand it. If they don’t seem to be getting over it, ask them about their feelings and how you can help smooth things over.^{[18]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}
- For example, you might say, “I feel awful that I couldn’t be there for you, but I honestly had no choice. What can I do to make you feel better about this?”

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I learn to compromise?

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Love & Empowerment Coach
Jennifer Butler is a Love & Transformation Coach and the Owner of JennJoyCoaching, a life coaching business based in Miami, Florida, although Jennifer works with clients all over the world. Jennifer’s work centers around empowering women who are navigating any stage of the divorce or breakup process. She has over four years of life coaching experience. She is also the co-host of the Deep Chats Podcast along with Leah Morris and the host of season 2 “Divorce and Other Things You Can Handle” by Worthy. Her work has been featured in ESME, DivorceForce, and Divorced Girl Smiling. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from New York University. She is also a Certified Health Coach, a Communications & Life Mastery Specialist, and a Certified Conscious Uncoupling and Calling in “the One” coach.

Jennifer Butler, MSW

Love & Empowerment Coach

Expert Answer

Consider asking yourself why you struggle to compromise and what you think it will cost you if you do. There may be some sort of block or narrative running in the back of your mind that is preventing you. You may see compromising as giving in, for example, or you may feel like you are being taken advantage of if you compromise. Ask yourself if your inability to be flexible is based on what's in front of you, or if it is a response that is more tied to an experience you had in your past.