How to Respond to a Narcissist Ex Husband

Written by Jay Reid, LPCC | Edited by Hannah Madden

Last Updated: May 21, 2022 References

Divorcing your narcissistic ex can feel like the start of a new chapter in your life. However, there may come a time (or lots of times) when you still have to talk to your ex about your kids, finances, or assets. Fortunately, by keeping a few tips and tricks in mind, you can talk to your ex husband about whatever you need to. We’ve listed all the tips you’ll need to know to have productive, constructive conversations with your ex that don’t end in a fight.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Limit contact with your ex.

Only contact him when it’s absolutely necessary. In a perfect world, you’d be able to cut your narcissistic ex out of your life completely—but even after a divorce, that might not be possible. Try to talk to him as infrequently as you can, and only chat with him about important stuff, like your kids (if you have them) and any loose ends you need to tie up.^{[1]
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HelpGuide
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- If you are able to cut your ex out of your life, try implementing the no-contact rule. Block him everywhere (including social media) and don’t reach out to let him know he’s out of your life for good.

2

Send texts or emails instead of talking in person.

It’s much easier to talk to a narcissist via a phone or computer screen. When you need to contact your ex, write it out in an email or a text, then send it to him that way. You can avoid a lot of unnecessary fights and arguments this way, and it gives him a chance to compose himself before he responds.^{[2]
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- This is a great idea for communication if you are co-parenting with a narcissist.

3

Try to stay calm when you two talk.

If you get upset or angry, you’ll only feed into what he’s doing. Your ex might say some upsetting things to you, and your first reaction might be to scream, yell, or cry. Take a few deep breaths and try to keep your feelings in check, then respond in a calm, polite tone.^{[3]
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- Narcissists want you to get riled up, so they’ll often say very inflammatory things just to upset you. Try not to take it personally, and remind yourself that he’s not your husband anymore.

4

Ignore his love bombing.

Love bombing is a tactic your ex might use to win you back. If your ex husband all of the sudden starts being super nice to you or giving you lots of compliments, be very wary of that. Narcissists will often be overly nice and loving to people to win them over before sliding back into their abusive tendencies.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Remember who your ex is, and don’t fall for this behavior.
- You can calmly but firmly ignore his advances by saying something like, “That’s very nice of you. Thank you.” Then, move on.

5

Focus on the subject at hand.

Pick one topic and stick to it so that there is a clear beginning and end. If you absolutely have to talk to your ex, go with one subject in mind. Otherwise, you could spend ages talking in circles or debating the history of your relationship. Try not to get side tracked, even if he attempts to guide you away from the main issue.^{[5]
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- If he tries to bring up other things, say something like, “That’s not what we’re here to talk about. I’d like to get back to the original issue.”

6

Talk to him gently but firmly.

Keep your tone neutral but strong to keep the conversation focused. Narcissists will often interpret a negative tone as a threat, which could make him lash out. When you talk to your ex, keep your tone of voice solid, and don’t back down if he makes threats against you.^{[6]
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- For instance, instead of saying, “I hate when you talk to me like that,” try, “Please don’t speak to me in that tone of voice.”
- Instead of saying, “You’re acting like a child,” try, “Let’s both try to talk this through like mature adults.”

7

State your boundaries clearly.

Boundaries will let him know what he can and can’t do to you. If you don’t state your boundaries, your ex might think it’s okay to walk all over you. Tell him that you’re not going to stand for any abuse, and feel free to leave the situation if he gets out of line.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Expert Interview. 11 April 2019}
- For instance, if he starts yelling, you could say, “I’m not going to listen to you if you raise your voice at me. Please lower your voice.”
- If he insults you, you might say, “I won’t have a conversation with you if you’re going to be nasty. I want to be civil with you, so please treat me with respect.”

8

Focus on the present, not the past.

Rehashing old issues will only bring up negative feelings. If your ex tries to bring up your marriage or what happened in the past, shut him down gently but firmly. Stick to the issue at hand, and only talk about the present or the future. That way, you can avoid starting arguments or fighting about old topics again.^{[8]
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- Try something like, “I really don’t want to talk about what happened in the past. Could we just move on?”
- Or, “I’d rather not dive into that right now. Let’s talk about what we came here to talk about.”

9

Take a neutral stance on anything he says.

Agreeing or disagreeing only adds fuel to the fire. Try to be non-committal, and don’t say you’re in favor (or not in favor) of anything your ex brings up. Agreeing can encourage his behavior, while disagreeing can provoke him into lashing out.^{[9]
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- Use phrases like, “Maybe,” “We’ll see,” or, “I’m not sure,” to stay natural without riling him up.

10

Don’t apologize to him.

Narcissists will often guilt you into thinking you are less than them.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.} If your ex tries to do this with you, don’t let him—refuse to say you’re sorry for whatever criticism he throws your way, and keep your own self-worth at the forefront of your mind.^{[11]
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- Apologizing to him can lead to you softening your boundaries or doing things you don’t actually want to do.
- Your ex might try to make you feel powerless. The best thing you can do is remind yourself that you do have the power, and he’s not in control of you.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Adam Dorsay, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
  Expert Interview. 11 April 2019}

11

Remember that his behavior is not your fault.

You’re divorced now, and whatever he does is on him. It’s easy to take the blame for a narcissist’s behavior, especially because they’re so good at shaming other people.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.} Keep reminding yourself that you two are done now, and you don’t have to live with him or be in a relationship with him ever again.
- When you’re having a tough interaction with him, keep thinking about how you get to leave and go home without him. If you can keep that in the forefront of your mind, it might just give you the strength to push through.

12

Focus on your own goals.

Don’t let your ex husband influence your life anymore. Now that you’re divorced, you get to decide what you want to do, where you want to live, and how you want to behave. Keep doing things to better yourself and improve your life, and let your ex husband become a distant memory as much as possible.^{[14]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Keep up with friends and enjoy new hobbies to distract yourself from your ex.

13

See a therapist if you need to.

Toxic relationships can be hard to deal with, even after the fact. If you’re having a tough time interacting with your ex husband or coming to terms with his narcissism, make an appointment with a mental health professional. They can help you work through past trauma and come up with ways you can interact with your ex in a positive, constructive manner.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Jay Reid, LPCC
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.}
- Therapy sometimes has a negative stigma attached to it, but it’s one of the most helpful tools you can use to better your mental health.^{[16]
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  Expert Source
  
  Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
  Licensed Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.}