How to Be the Bigger Person

Last Updated: February 14, 2023

Are you tired of getting dragged into arguments and never knowing how to get out? Use a simple technique called "being the bigger person." When you become the "bigger" person, the arguments stop. We've covered everything you need to know about being the bigger person, so you can put your best foot forward in your next tough conversation or interaction.

1

Address how the argument is going to affect the both of you later on.

Make sure to include key points such as stress, anger, and irritability.^{[1]
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2

Breathe deeply and count to a certain number in your head.

Breathing and counting help you avoid retaliating in anger.^{[2]
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Trustworthy Source
American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
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3

Understand why people argue.

People argue because they don't want to feel defeated by their "opponent." If you realize that, the opponent's feeling of victory or success in each argument will fade as you continue to act like you don't care, you'll be less hesitant to stop the argument.^{[3]
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4

Ignore the person and walk away.

Exiting the conversation is a good option if all else fails.^{[4]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I cope with someone who's determined to be my enemy? Should I try to be as nice as I can?

Sabrina Grover, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Sabrina Grover, LMSW is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) who earned her degree in Advanced Clinical Practice from New York University. Sabrina has experience working in substance abuse recovery centers and schools where she gained experience providing evidence-based treatment to children, adolescents, adults, and families. Sabrina specializes in Dialectical, Narrative, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. She has particular expertise in treating clients struggling with grief, complex trauma, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, and depression. She commits to providing a supportive environment for everyone who commits to growth and offering a warm, non-judgmental atmosphere.

Sabrina Grover, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Expert Answer

Absolutely—empathy is always key. You're more likely to build rapport if you try to understand someone's perspective, even (or especially) if they give you a hard time. Realize that everyone struggles, and this person's negative attitude might be the result of an internal battle. While this individual is ultimately responsible for their actions and how they carry themselves, you can make the world a little nicer by not reacting to them. Instead, focus on being your best and kindest self. This individual might even warm up to you. Even if they don't, you'll be so focused on being a good person that you'll hardly think about this so-called enemy.
Question

How can I bear my defeat?

Community Answer

Take a deep breath, think of a time when you worked had and did well. Remind yourself that defeat is normal. List people or situations that you have heard about that have failed at something and it led to better things. For example, Michael Jordan the great basketball player, was cut from his high school basketball team and used this defeat to become one of the greatest basketball players in NBA history!
Question

How do I react when the other person is being immature in an argument and making me want to defend myself (for example, not stopping when asked to and using insults)?

Community Answer

To be the bigger person in the argument, don't respond back with insulting words. Say what you need to in a polite way. If you need help, or if the person is being too immature/rude with their words, be sure to tell a trusted adult.

Warnings

Your efforts may make the situation worse because the person might dislike you even more because of your strength. If so, apologize (no matter how much you don't want to) and start from a clean slate.

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