How to Prepare for a Visit from Your Mother in Law

Co-authored by Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Last Updated: June 29, 2021 References

Many people have difficult relationships with their mother-in-law. Even if you get along great with your mother-in-law, you still want to be prepared for when she visits. Be ready for a visit from your mother-in-law by preparing your home, talking to your spouse, and staying civil. Having a successful and happy visit from your mother-in-law will help to make your relationship with her and your spouse that much stronger.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Preparing Your Home

1
Clean your home. Make sure your place is ready for an inspection by your mother-in-law. Even if you get along great with her, you still want to make sure she is comfortable with her visit.^{[1]
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- Change your sheets and linens. If your mother-in-law is staying in a guest room or in your bedroom, make sure she has clean and fresh linens.
- Scrub bathroom and kitchen tiles. Make sure all surfaces are spotless and have no stains.
- Get rid of carpet stains. Clean any blemishes out of your carpet, especially in any communal areas. Consider renting a carpet cleaner if necessary.^{[2]
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- Take out the garbage and recycling. Keep it segregated in your kitchen. Make sure all disposables are taken care of and out of the main rooms of the house.
2
Prepare food. Your mother-in-law may expect home cooked meals while she is visiting. Plan out your meals and buy all the necessary groceries before she arrives. If you’re especially busy, think about making meals beforehand and freezing them.
- Plot the weekly the meals for her visit. You want to have a clear idea what you’re making every day, especially for dinner.
- Buy the major components for meals at the store. Be prepared to have food for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Don’t run out of food while she’s there.
- Make meals beforehand. While you likely want to make a few meals fresh, it may be useful to prepare food beforehand for your mother-in-law. This is a good idea if you’ll be busy working while your mother-in-law is visiting.
- Consider her diet and meal preferences. Your meals should take into consideration any special dietary restrictions she may have. Also, if she has a favorite food that you feel comfortable making, try to make that meal one of the days she is visiting.
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3
Welcome her into your home. Your mother-in-law should feel welcome at your place, since she is visiting a family member. Try to do little things that make her feel at home and comfortable while visiting. Find things that she likes to do or give her things to do to make her feel at home.
- Think about things she likes to do. Try to initiate events while she visits that you know she’ll enjoy.
- Involve her in your daily life. Mothers-in-law often just want to help. Let her help you out with errands, the kids, or making dinner.^{[3]
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- Ask her about her life. Some mother-in-laws, especially if they are widows, may be lonely. Talk to her about what she’s doing, which will make her feel closer to you. Ask her questions like, "How are your friends?" or "What have you been up to lately?"^{[4]
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- Don’t make her feel like a burden. Your mother-in-law should feel like her visit is welcome, even if it inconveniences your week.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Spouse

1
Talk to your spouse before their mother visits. It's important to have clear and direct communication before your mother-in-law arrives. Make sure he or she knows about your concerns and is prepared to help you out. Have a clear plan of responsibilities while your mother-in-law is visiting.
- Share with your spouse any concerns you have about your mother-in-law’s upcoming visit. He or she should know how you feel.
- Let them help you out while your mother-in-law is in town. Your spouse should be able to help around the house and to run interference with his or her mother. Entertaining them and making them feel comfortable should not be your job exclusively.
- Make a plan with your spouse about how to deal with your mother-in-law when she is in town. He or she should know what they are expected to do while their mother is in town.
2
Put your spouse before mother-in-law. Keep your relationship a priority even when your mother-in-law is in town. Your relationship is the most important one in the household. Don’t let the visitation of his or her parent disrupt that.
- Honor and respect your spouse. Never choose sides, but make sure that you are putting your spouse first. Don’t get distracted from your spouse by visits from your mother-in-law.
- Maintain a strong bond with your spouse during your mother-in-law’s visit. This demonstrates that you have a strong marriage to your mother-in-law.
- Rely on each other during difficult times. Family visits can be stressful. Help one another out during these visits. Don’t let them become sources of fights, but instead sources of togetherness.^{[5]
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  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
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  Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
3
Set boundaries with your mother-in-law. Your mother-in-law may overstep her bounds. Let her know (or have your spouse let her know) where she belongs and where she does not.^{[6]
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- Talk to your mother-in-law if she oversteps boundaries. She may not know or may be doing it unwittingly. It's important to let her know when it happens, so she's aware.
- Be clear and direct when talking to your mother-in-law. Don't try to soften the blow if there are boundary issues.
- If there are boundary problems, be polite and respectful. Make sure you are not attacking her about something she may be unaware of doing.^{[7]
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  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- Your spouse may be the better person to talk to his or her mother about boundary issues. This may be a better idea than you talking to her, especially if your relationship with your mother-in-law is contentious.
- Telling her things like, "In our household, this is how we do things" or "We think this is important in our house" will let her know that you have your own priorities that may be different from hers.
4
Maintain your household. When your mother-in-law visits, it can disrupt your normal family routine and dynamics. Be consistent with your regular schedule. Don’t fall into old patterns because your mother-in-law is around.^{[8]
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- Make decisions as you normally would. Your mother-in-law is a guest. This means she should be paid attention to, but should not dictate what happens. Remember that she is leaving at some point, so don’t change your life to meet her needs.
- Work together as a team. Don’t let your mother-in-law get in the middle of your day-to-day life.
- Be aware that your spouse may revert to his or her childhood role. He or she may act more like a child now that his or her mother is around. Try either putting up with it for the visit or talk to them if they are acting strangely.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Staying Civil

1
Avoid controversial topics. Don’t bring up any sore spots when your mother-in-law is in town. In particular, don’t discuss finances, politics, religion, children, or sex while she’s around.^{[9]
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- Finances can be a touchy subject in any marriage. They can become even more difficult to navigate by involving in-laws. Don’t talk about your money situation when your mother-in-law is in town. If she asks, politely change the topic to something else.
- Keep discussion of politics to a minimum. You never know where your in-laws may be coming from. Even if you agree, it’s best to avoid contentious topics during a short visit. Find something you agree on to change the topic if she brings it up.
- Don’t talk about religion with your mother-in-law. This is especially a good idea if you know there are differences when it comes to religion. Regardless, make sure to not spend too much time on discussions of religion if could be a point of contention. Say things like "Well, everyone has their own beliefs" if disagreements come up.
- This may be obvious, but don’t talk about sex with your mother-in-law. It’s uncomfortable and can cause problems in your relationship with your spouse.
2
Take her advice with a grain of salt. Mother-in-laws love giving advice. Listen to them politely if they offer advice. However, don’t feel obligated to follow their advice.
- Let your mother-in-law give you advice. Even though you may disagree with her, it’s better to let her talk than cutting her off or disagreeing with her.^{[10]
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  Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- Listen politely to their advice. It may be worthwhile advice or helpful. Regardless, don’t be rude and let them know they are heard. Say things like, "I understand" or "That seems like it worked for you" when she gives advice.
- Feel free to ignore their advice if you want. There’s no rule that you have to listen to your mother-in-law. Be polite, but don’t’ feel like you have to follow what they say.
3
Avoid competition. Mothers-in-law may want to compete with their children’s spouse, especially if the spouse is a woman. Don’t compete with them. Tell your spouse to avoid being drawn into comparisons as well during his or her mother’s visit.
- Let mother-in-law cook. Mothers-in-law like making their children’s favorite dishes. Give them time and space to make food if they want. Don’t be in their way in the kitchen, but try to help them out as best as possible.
- Stay away from any comparisons between you and your mother-in-law. Comparisons will only lead to emotional fireworks. Warn your spouse against comparing the two of you at any point during her visit. If your mother-in-law, or your spouse, tries to compare the two of you, politely dismiss the comparison by saying something like "That's interesting, but I don' think it's worth comparing" or "Everyone has their own way of doing things"
- Give your spouse and mother-in-law time to be together. She is likely coming to see him or her, rather than you. Make sure they have some time to be together one-on-one, if possible.
4
Deal with arguments that arise with your mother-in-law. It's inevitable that you'll disagree and possibly get into arguments with your mother-in-law. If that happens, stay calm, don't be emotional, and try your best to maintain the relationship.^{[11]
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Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- Keep calm if arguments arise. Don't raise your voice and keep a calm face and demeanor.
- Arguments with your mother-in-law may make you feel emotional. Try to keep your emotions in check and not show if you are angry, upset, or sad.^{[12]
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  Life Coach
  Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.}
- Do your best to keep the relationship intact. Try not to say anything you'll regret later if arguments arise.
- If your mother-in-law is verbally or physically abusive, it may be best to cut off ties. While she is your significant other's mother, that does not mean you have to take everything from her.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How can I get along better with my mother-in-law?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Relationships with in-laws can be difficult because they are not necessarily people you would have chosen to be close with, but by nature they are people who quite suddenly became close in your life. If there is anything about your mother-in-law that you love and admire, use that as an opening to grow more understanding and caring towards the other parts of her.
Question

How do I fix my relationship with my mother-in-law?

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach
Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.

Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA

Matchmaker, The LA Life Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

It's normal to have conflict with your mother-in-law. Things usually go wrong when emotion get out of check. Try to stay calm around your mother-in-law. Additionally, hear her out when she has something to say instead of arguing with her or disagreeing. You can always discard her advice.