How to Move on from a Relationship You Ruined

Co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and Nihal Shetty

Last Updated: March 2, 2022 References

The end of a relationship is always hard, especially if you feel like it’s your fault it ended. But we’re all allowed to make mistakes, and we owe it to ourselves to find happiness again. We’re here to help you move on from a relationship you ruined. We'll walk you through making peace with losing that special person in your life and turning this experience into one of positive growth.

1

Send an apology.

Apologies offer you and your ex a chance for closure. This apology isn’t an attempt to win your ex back—it’s a chance for you to express regret over how things turned out and to leave the relationship behind on a better note. There’s no need to get into specifics about what happened, or to write an overly long apology—a short message expressing your remorse is more than enough.
- Try sending an apology over e-mail that looks something like this: “I know we aren’t on great terms right now, but I want you to know that I wish you only the best things in life. I’m so sorry for the mistakes I made, and for how much I hurt you. I hope that you can one day forgive me, and until then, that you find happiness and love.”
- Don’t worry if your ex doesn’t end up responding. They may need time to heal, and you should give them their space.

2

Go no-contact with your ex on social media and text.

You don’t need updates on your ex, so remove them from social media. This means blocking them on all of your social media platforms—no exceptions. Unless you have a practical need to be able to keep in touch with them (like if there are kids involved), block their number as well. It can feel tough, but going no-contact with an ex is the fastest way to move on.^{[1]
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- This is totally optional, but if you want to send them a brief note beforehand letting them know that you’re not blocking out of anger, feel free to do this. Try sending a short message saying something like, “Hey, I think it would be best for both of us if we went no-contact. I’m going to be blocking you on social media, and you should feel free to do the same. I’m sorry for how things turned out—hope things are going well.”
- If your ex is harassing you about the mistakes you made in the relationship, block them immediately. Don’t let guilt trap you in an abusive dynamic—you don’t deserve harassment by an ex, no matter what you did.

3

Get rid of your ex’s things.

Keep your home from feeling like a memorial to your relationship. Pictures of the two of you together, souvenirs from trips you took with them, and anything else that you associate with your ex should find its way to the trash or a bag stored in someplace that you never check. The act of removing these objects will help you move on from the past and create space in your home to fill with new memories.^{[2]
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- If you have objects at home that belong to your ex, return them. If you’ve already gone no-contact, ship them to your ex’s house or have a mutual friend drop them off for you.

4

Forgive yourself.

Fight off any negative thought patterns that lead to self-blame. For example, if you keep spiraling into thoughts of “if only I’d done this or that,” tell yourself that you’re only human, and all humans make mistakes. The truth is that if this relationship was meant to last, it would have. Guilty and anxiety-inducing thoughts are not going to help you move on, so nip them in the bud.^{[3]
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- It can take some time to forgive yourself, but know that you’ll overcome your feelings of guilt eventually. None of us are perfect, and it’s a sign of strength to accept this, move on, and try to do better in the future.

5

Journal what went wrong in your relationship.

Explore the reasons why your relationship wasn’t working. In your journal, write about some of the negative sides of your relationship. If you really feel like you ruined the relationship, how did this relationship not meet your needs and lead to this outcome? This is a great opportunity to learn from this relationship, so that you can find a better match in the future.^{[4]
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- We sometimes look back on our exes with rose-colored glasses (or, the opposite, and we think of them as the terrible villains of our lives). But the truth is we all have positive and negative qualities, and sometimes not working out as a couple doesn’t mean either of you is an irredeemably bad person.
- Just because your relationship didn’t last forever doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good experience. Relationships aren’t like rom-coms with happily ever afters—they take consistent work, are sometimes better off abandoned, but are, in the end, always worth experiencing.
- Don't beat yourself up as you reflect on your relationship! Instead, be gentle and kind, as though you were talking to a close friend.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lena Dicken, Psy.D
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}

6

Spend more time with friends and family.

Friends and family can fill the vacuum of your relationship. After a breakup, you can feel a bit unmoored, since one of the most important relationships in your life is now gone. But by spending more time with your friends and family, whether by giving them a call or hanging out in person, you can fulfill your need for human connection.
- Your friends and family are also an invaluable support system after your breakup. Open up to them about what you’re going through—many of them have probably dealt with similar feelings in the past, and can help you through this period of your life.

7

Find some healthy distractions.

Time spent upset at yourself for the past is time wasted. By throwing yourself into new activities, you can limit the amount of time you spend caught up in your feelings. Join a social group, volunteer, try out new restaurants by yourself or with friends, or visit new places. A busy life will keep you feeling productive and living in the present.

8

Focus on self-care.

No matter how busy you are, spend 30 minutes doing something just for you. What activities can you do or discover that bring you happiness? This might mean taking up painting, reading for pleasure, or just enjoying a long bath. The purpose is to find activities that make you happy, and reminding yourself that there is so much pleasure in the world, even without a partner. You deserve happiness, and not to live a life swallowed up in guilt.^{[6]
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9

Take care of your health through exercise.

Starting a new exercise routine gives your body a new source of joy. Exercise gives you more energy and can even combat depression. It releases chemicals in your brain like endogenous opioids, which create feelings of contentment. Try getting out of bed in the morning for a quick jog or visit to the gym—it might feel tough at first, especially if you aren’t used to working out, but you’ll get the hang of it soon.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}
- Healthy living isn’t just about exercise. It’s okay to feel sad after losing your relationship, but relying on crutches like alcohol or other substances can easily backfire. Taking care of your health is more important after a breakup than ever before, since you’re feeling very vulnerable emotionally and can fall into bad habits.

10

Practice mindfulness.

Imagine yourself in a happy place and take deep breaths. Close your eyes while you’re doing this, and try it out for a few minutes each day. You might not be able to control everything your life, but you can control your breathing—and doing this is quite powerful. The benefits of this kind of mindfulness training are innumerable, and can lead you to a greater feeling of stability and comfort.^{[9]
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- Nowadays, there are a ton of apps available on your smartphone to guide you through some mindfulness exercises. Even if you’re feeling skeptical, give them a try—you might be surprised by the results.

11

Take advantage of the freedom of being single.

Eat at restaurants, go to the movies, and live your life to the fullest. Many people in relationships yearn for the freedom that being single affords you, so enjoy it. There’s no more need to compromise between what you and your partner like doing, or to navigate between schedules.
- When you want to do something, go ahead and do it—being single gives you more opportunities to do the things you enjoy, not less.
- Being single is exciting—there are so many opportunities available to you now. Focus on the future, rather than the past.

12

Start dating again when you’re ready.

There are plenty of other people who are right for you. Jumping into a new relationship right away probably isn’t the best option, but when you feel ready to try again, (re)download some dating apps, go to parties, and start meeting new people. There’s nothing wrong with being single, but don’t let this one relationship keep you from finding a new partner.
- Signs that you’re not over your ex include things like making excuses to go and see them, constantly bringing them up with your friends, or catching yourself fantasizing about getting back together. If you’re finding yourself doing these things, it’s worth keeping things casual while dating.^{[10]
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- Avoid jumping into a ‘rebound’ relationship—you can end up hurting someone else. Until you feel like your thoughts aren’t dominated by your ex, don’t date anyone seriously.^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lena Dicken, Psy.D
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.}

13

Ask for help from a professional.

A therapist or counselor can give you space to process your feelings. Sometimes, we don’t realize when we’re being drawn into negative thought patterns of guilt or self-blame until someone else points them out to us. Talking to a therapist can help you get your life back on track and stop ruminating over the past.^{[12]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do I stop hurting after a break up?

Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.

Lena Dicken, Psy.D

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Be very gentle with yourself! Heartbreak is really, really challenging, and it's not going to go away overnight. Instead, be kind to yourself and reflect on the relationship objectively, rather than blaming yourself for everything that went wrong.